Contradiction

I’m having real issues lately with The Husband and his ability to completely contradict himself without any realisation that he is actually doing so. I want to write in great length about it but I know if I do then I’ll just get myself angry about it all again and when he gets back he won’t understand what I’m pissed off about and frankly, I just don’t want to explain it to him. He won’t understand.

I know it must seem utterly ridiculous that he couldn’t understand it but that’s how it is. He just doesn’t get it. I have tried, in other ways to explain how often he contradicts himself and he looks at me like I’m speaking another language. It’s incredibly frustrating. He is incredibly frustrating. Arguing with him is like arguing with a child. He can never admit responsibility for his part in the problem, he can’t accept that what someone else says is valid if he doesn’t agree with it. Even having a general conversation about something completely inane is frustrating! If your opinion differs from his then it’s bullshit as far as he is concerned. I simply can’t tolerate that. It makes me so angry I could spit!

If we are arguing about something do with our relationship, which we seem to be doing a fair bit of lately, I am, even though unwilling sometimes, ready to accept that I’ve been in the wrong, that I have played a definite part in the disharmony that is currently surrounding us most of the time. He on the other hand, absolutely not. Not at all. He can always manage to find a justification for why he behaves the way he does. He believe fully in this justification and expects me and everyone else to understand, sympathise and agree with it. I could easily say he’s just offering excuses but they aren’t. He’s not excusing his actions in any way. He’s absolutely sure of what he does and why he does it and nothing will change that. He has every reason to behave the way he does and in actual fact I’m the one in the wrong for even calling him on his paranoid, weird and childish behaviour. It absolutely astounds me!

If there was even an ounce of logic in his arguments then it would be worthwhile and possibly even productive arguing with him but there isn’t any logic whatsoever. Occasionally he’s right. When he calls me out on the way I’ve been acting and treating him he can hit the nail on the head with amazing accuracy. As I said before, I don’t always like agreeing with him but the law of fairness says that I should and I do. I promise that I’ll try and work on or modify what I’m doing and I do. I think a bit more before I open my mouth. I think that when I’m walking past him that it wouldn’t kill me just to touch him on the arm, or hold his hand in the car. I get sick and tired of doing all this though when he can’t acknowledge his own faults or accept his own part of the blame and work on these things.

If we end falling apart one day, I know that I’m going to be completely comfortable in knowing that I’ve done the best I can do. I’m not always doing the best I can, there are plenty of times where I don’t try even a little bit but I usually give myself a mental smack on the side of the head and make the effort. I know there are things that he does try at. I either notice it or he makes a point of telling me that he’s trying. Overall though, the things that truly bother me, that make me look at him differently when he’s doing them, he just won’t believe it and therefore he won’t make any efforts to understand them or try and work on it. I wonder, if we do end up falling apart, will he know this? I seriously doubt it. Actually, I know that if that should happen, he’ll blame it all on me. It will be because I didn’t really love him enough. It’s a pity because I do love him, very much. I just don’t think the way that I love is the way that he wants. Having said that, I’m not always a fan of the way he loves too.

Marriage is important to me and I will keep working on it until I’ve rung every last little drop there is out of it. Only then will I consider it finished. And not a moment sooner.