I don’t have a lot of time today so I’m going to keep this as short and as sweet as I’m capable of doing, which isn’t generally very short or probably very sweet either. Let me start by saying, Slim blue, your either a mind reader or know me and my life very, very well. :)
I knew it was coming, it was bound to happen eventually. Doing this course full time means I’m spending pretty much all day and most of the evening studying to keep up. I have to or I’ll get behind and then I’ll fail. As I’ve mentioned I find the maths quite difficult and so I spend an inordinate amount of time on it, re-reading pages over and over again hoping against hope that something will sink in. It means that I spend the rest of the week trying to catch up on the other subjects and so that’s even more time spent studying.
When i realised how much time I was spending each day on my work I just knew it was only a matter of time before The Husband kicked up a fuss about it. I’ve been waiting for it to happened for at least a week now. I’m surprised that it took him until last night to finally say something. I have to give him credit for holding out for as long as he did.
We go to bed and he starts. All about how lonely he is, how deprived he is, how unloved he feels, how we all take him for granted and we just don’t care about him, I don’t care about him or how he’s feeling. That all I care about is studying. That’s all I do. I don’t talk, I don’t pay attention, I just ignore him. I’ve simplified this all obviously and made him sound a little more whiney that what he probably did sound, but that’s essentially what his problem his. Surprise, surprise.
I wish I had a recorder or something so that I could play back the conversation/argument/discussion to hear what we both said and see whether what I think it correct or not, or whether I do take things out of context or not. The worst part is, for me is that I had a small discussion with The Little Princess, which I hate doing because these aren’t her problems. She see’s what’s going on though and she knows and sometimes I’ll ask her if I’m just being paranoid or not and today she told me that I’m not, that what I’m feeling in regards to his reaction to my study is right. I didn’t go into details with her, I wouldn’t in a million years but she’s not stupid and I feel it’s important for me to explain things to her, at age appropriate level. I wish she didn’t have to see all this crap though. It would be nice if she could see her father just support me in the way that she does. I’m so lucky to have her.
Getting sidetracked here…
After going over a thousand things for the millionth time I finally just blurted out that I’m sick of feeling like I’m a possession not a wife and that I always feel like I’m having to answer to a father figure for everything that I do or would like to do. I was shocked by what I said because it’s probably the most direct that I’ve been when speaking about that particular issue for quite some time. I have raised it in the past, a number of times in varying degrees but I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so blunt or harsh about it before. Without any prompting or discussion from me my girls have told me many times that their father acts like he owns me rather than loves me sometimes. I’ve also had other people, friends that we’ve had over the years tell the same thing and I know that we’ve lost friends and I’ve certainly lost potential friends over his behaviour, so it’s not just me thinking this or feeling this way. Everyone we’ve ever known and currently do know would say the same thing, even his own friends probably would.
He took it quite well considering. He said, with a hint of attitude (I’m not sure how to describe) “What do you want me to do to make things better?” Or something along those lines. I almost screamed! In the end I said that there wasn’t any point rehashing this shit because I’ve been over a dozen or more times and nothing does change. He won’t change. He is what he is and that’s all there is to it really. I’d love him to change but I just don’t think he can. I don’t think he’s capable and in a lot of ways I don’t think he wants too.
So I’m sure there is going to be moments like this one, I’m positive of it. The eggshells are going to get thicker and sharper to walk on and I just hope I’m strong enough to keep walking through them.
(If there are tons of spelling/grammar errors, please forgive me, I’m trying to type at lightning speed so I can get back to work and so I’m not doing this when The Husband returns in about 10 minutes.)
1 in the bed...:
Em, i'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. like i said before, stay strong! you NEED this for yourself (and your sense of self). that's the beauty of education- once you've got it, NOBODY can take it away from you. no matter where you go in life afterwards, that's a part of you that can't ever be taken from you.
i can imagine your husband's insecurities surrounding your desire to better yourself. and i know that he's likely thinking that once you finish your degree, there's a chance you'll look elsewhere for companionship (because you've grown and he's still 'back there'). he's not entirely wrong for thinking that, but what he needs to realize is two-fold. first, he needs to remember the old addage- "if you love somebody, set them free- if they return to you, it was meant to be". he has to realize that the harder he tries to hold you down, the more you'll struggle to be free and he's sure to lose you. THEN what he needs to realize is that the only way to stay with you, over the long term, is to look for ways to improve himself (separately, but in-step with you). i mean, really, who doesn't want to grow and improve themselves? you've told me how old you are (almost same age as me), and i assume that your husband is at least a similar age. assuming we all live to a ripe old age, we've got a LOT of living left to do!! if he's settled with his level of development and is willing to cruise through the next 40-50 years of his life without looking for ways to learn, grow, and improve himself (and not in a marketable sense, but all of this is nourishment for the soul), then he surely will lose you, Em. because you feel like a person who wants more out life. and the only way to get more out of life is to learn, and grow, and change. it's possible to do all of that with a loving partner, as long as they're willing to put the same effort into self-betterment that you are.
when you're talking with him next about this, i can almost guarantee that he will take it as an insult if you just come out and blurt what i've said here. but you need to find a way (as you're the one who knows what makes him tick) to plant the suggestion that he should also look at doing something to improve himself- for HIM. maybe he takes a class in martial arts, or a hobby he enjoys. maybe he learns a new skill around the house (plumbing, wood-working, laying new flooring). you know him better than anyone- what are his interests? is there anything that he could work on in the meantime? then at the end of your course, you can both celebrate each other's accomplishments together with a nice meal out (or better yet, send the kids off and make a special meal at home together). assure him that you're taking this course to better yourself, and that a better you means a better "us". don't be tempted to play on his insecurities and warn him that he'll lose you if he keeps it up. that will just add gasoline to the fire...
you'll be ok, hon. stay strong, stay focused, and please keep in touch.
huge hugs!!
peace
sb
xo
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