Snagged

I knew this time would come, I was just hoping that it wasn’t going to be this soon.

Maths is not my strong suit by any stretch of the imagination. People are always telling me how smart I am, how I know everything. Those people mostly being my family and the very few friends that I’ve got. More often than not I feel it’s undeserved. I just happen to know a lot of useless facts I think.

When it comes to maths though, I think those same people take a little pride in the fact that I’m an absolute idiot at it all. I’m not exaggerating here, not even a little bit.

I’m currently doing prime numbers, prime factors and doing stuff with negative integers for this uni course that I’m doing. It’s all just basic maths from what I understand, a bit of a refresher, to be prepared for any mathematics that we’ll encounter in our ‘real’ courses.

I’m up to page 37 of my material and I feel so far out of my depth that I’m drowning. I’m panicking. Totally. I’m having to look at a web site that appears to be designed for primary school children! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? Seriously! I’m ready to cry, I almost did before when I apologised to The Husband for not washing the dog. I need a shower and I have housework that is frankly piling up to a ridiculous level (nothing is growing or living in places that it shouldn’t and actually it’s probably not even that bad) but yet here I sit, on my fat arse trying to work through basic, primary school maths. I am so disgusted with myself I’m making myself sick. I want to throw it all across the room and just not do it at all. Chuck the whole thing in.

What’s worse is the fact that when I originally did this course a couple of years ago, maths wasn’t even a component of it. Then I decided to completely drop my bundle, go to the doctor, then the shrink and find out I’m bipolar and trying to do the course after that was nigh on impossible. I just couldn’t concentrate.

I watched Dr. Phil (who is a legend by the way) the other day and he was talking about a couple of bipolar children who’s label appeared to have made things worse for them. In other words they were living to the label, rather than to their potential and he felt that this was a major part of their problem and I thought about that and how I felt after my diagnoses and also what The Husband has said that things just worse after I was told what was wrong with me. He/they are right in a way I think. At the time, I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t move on from the fact that I would be forever labelled mentally ill. So I stopped studying. I’ve been kicking myself ever since and that’s why I was so keen to do it now.

So here I am, page 39 now, and I’ve not got a damn clue what I’m doing. I’ve got assignments to do on this shit as well as an exam at some point in the next 12 weeks. There is no way I’m going to be able to do it. Not with a decent result at the end anyway. Sure, I’ll bumble my way through and finish it all but when it all gets marked and I get the results rather than a letter grade I’ll just get “You really are a dumb arse aren’t you? Are you sure you want to bother doing a ‘real’ university course? I’m not sure your smart enough.”

On a brighter note we took our Little Prince, who’s birthday it was yesterday, to a concert to see The Hilltop Hoods, the best Aussie hip-hop there is, without a shadow of a doubt. They were amazing! I’m not generally a big hip-hop fan but I really love our home-grown stuff. I guess I can relate to it a bit better. They talk about things that I can recognise and use words that I understand, whereas the US stuff, while still pretty good, refers to a lot of places I’ve heard of but know nothing about personally and uses a lot of language that we just don’t use here, though plenty try. Though I am a pretty big fan of Eminem, I enjoy his honesty, though there are times he goes just a little too far, even for me. When it comes to music I’m a ‘anything goes’ sort of girl but sometimes the great Eminem takes it over the line.

I’m sorry it’s been over a week or so since I posted last. I did try and do a TMI the other day but I’m not sure if it was something wrong with my view of the site or if there wasn’t actually one there. I’ve been trying to keep on top of my study and not get behind. If I do that will mean I’ll start to stress and then it will all go very bad from that point on. I will make an effort to post at least once a week. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to get around and check all my regular reads either unfortunately. I need to put what I’m doing now in front of everything else at the moment. Hell, the only time’s I’ve even used the computer is to check the uni site and email from them, other that, nothing. The family are shocked let me tell you!

So, back to these negative numbers bullshit and then, if I can finish this topic I may actually get a shower in today. Wish me luck friends, I’m going to need it I think.