I Just Don’t Know

WARNING: This is another of my Epic posts. So if your kind of busy, you might want to just open me up in another tab and pop back later when you’ve got some time to waste…which you’ll never, ever get back again.

…12th April, 2010…
(or there about’s)

We talked…again, yesterday.

It feels like that’s all I’m doing lately, is having a ton of D & M’s then shifting brain gears to try and study, which is proving really difficult now with all that’s going on.

We kissed and had sex in the shower too, neither of which we’ve done in a while…for a variety of reasons. I can’t seem to bring myself to call it ‘making love’ like they do in movies and like He did yesterday. To me, it’s just sex. I know my view of sex is incredibly skewed and not at all healthy. There are a lot of things that I’ve been able to work on by myself over the years but my issues with sex are something I’ve never quite been able to repair.

…a couple of days later…

I ran out of both privacy and internet, consequently this post has sat here for at least a couple of days now.

I’m still not sure what to write really. It’s been a very odd couple of weeks in a way.

While I’m seriously sick to death of the in depth, emotional conversations, I know that it’s important that we have them.

I’m proud of myself for being almost 100% honest with Him about how I’m feeling. For me to do that with Him is a big deal. He’s always gotten so angry if my feelings are anything other than what He expects, so usually I say very little in relation to the two of us and just keep things on a very basic level – stuff to do with the kids and the like, rather than telling Him that it’s His freaky, paranoid, controlling bullshit is what is really bothering me.

This time though I have said it, without beating around the bush very much either, only a tiny little bit. I’ve told him that I’m sick of being told what I can and can’t do, having to answer for where I am and what I’m doing, not having friends, not having a life of my own that is independent but still parallel with this family. I really, actually said that I was disgusted with myself for allowing Him to do that and not doing anything to stop it or make Him understand that His doing that isn’t acceptable.

…almost 4am on the day after…

I’m trying desperately to study, I have a couple of things that are due and I’m barely through them. I just can’t seem to get it together now.

We had a mid-semester break which went for a week and because I told Him that was on he assumed that I would not be doing any study at all and so when I did he got the shits up and so I slacked off for that week. When I say he got the shits up I mean he made some stupid comment after trying to be all interested and I completely lost it – yelling, swearing and walking out. Now, I can’t get it together properly. I get nervous every time I even think about doing any work let alone actually sitting down to do it.

So I think I was bragging about how proud I was for saying what I’ve been thinking for a very long time now. I am proud of myself. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I’m not waking up depressed and angry all the time. Sure, I’ve still got the migraines going on but I’m pretty used to them by now. Laughing with The Bean Pole which we rarely do, spending a lot of talking through all sorts of things with The Little Princess and even some sweet moments with The Little Prince have all been a part of my days lately.

For quite some time now I’ve been so switched off to everyone and everything. I thought it was just The Husband but if I’m honest with myself (which I try and make a point of being, even I don’t like what I have to say about myself), I’ve definitely dimmed the lights when it comes to the kids too. I’m there for the important stuff but everything else I just stopped paying attention and crawled into myself. Again with the honesty, it doesn’t actually bother me that I’ve tuned out The Husband but the kids, well that’s a different story. I shouldn’t have done that.

Without being totally blunt with them, I’ve tried apologising for it as much as I can. I’ve always made a point of being as honest, in an age appropriate way, with the kids as I can. Even when it comes to things they see between The Husband and I. Some of the dodgy things The Husband does too. How else am I going to get them to understand that what they see from the two biggest role models in their life isn’t always the right, best or even moral way to do things in life? Fuck, I hate having to admit all that. Being mother is so important to me and I hate, hate it with a passion when I screw it up because of the choices that I’ve, or The Husband has made, coming back to bite us in the ass.

So, The Husband, after listening to me the other day has gotten incredibly…clingy…that’s the only word I can think of. It’s almost like He’s going to the other extreme now in an effort to make me happy. The stupid thing is, it doesn’t really make me happy. I must be the hardest to please person on the bloody earth! The thing is, when we talked the other day (I’m not sure if I’ve covered this bit or not already, so forgive me if I’m going over old ground here) He bought up some stuff that happened when we Miss Independent was just a baby, around a year old. It was stuff that I did. I messed up in a massive way. The only justification (that word is going to come back and bite me in a sec) I have for it is that I had left at the time (for the first part of it) and I was about 17 at the time. The other thing I did was not long after I had come back I think and so I was maybe the same age or just a bit older.

None of that excuses what I did and I’ve never denied it, except for one thing. I’m not sounding very good here am I? The point I’m trying to make is that for the last 16 years I’ve been making up for it. I’ve not done a single thing to warrant His controlling nature or His mistrust. I’ve worked hard to repair the damage I did. He used all this as a justification for the way He acts, along with things he experienced in his childhood. While I sympathise greatly with all this, I don’t see why I have to keep paying for it, especially when the majority of it all doesn’t actually have anything to do with me in the first place.

I told Him this, in a much nicer way of course. I also explained how I’m not responsible for His happiness. Sure, I’m a part of it, just like He’s a part of me occasionally, or the kids are huge part of mine, but it’s not up to them to make me happy, does that make sense? They make me happy for who they are, not because I ask them to be people they aren’t in an effort to conform to my ideal’s and therefore make me happy. This is what He does when it comes to me and pretty much everyone else He supposedly loves. The fact he was able to justify his behaviour, even after telling me he was willing to accept responsibility for a chunk of our problems, tells me that just maybe he doesn’t really get it. So when he’s being all…clingy and overly nice, I can’t help but think it’s all a little…fake.