Before heading into what I’m sure is going to be a fairly incoherent post, I just wanted to let readers know that I am reading the comments that are left, I just don’t have the time right to respond to them all individually, like I usually do and enjoy doing. Sb, your thoughts are always incredibly appreciated and you’d be surprised at how much they echo my own most of the time.
It is tempting to tell him to get his shit together or her can get out but I don’t want that to happen, despite all the problems we have. Funnily enough I have bought up the subject of him doing something for himself, even before I started my course. He’s always been into martial arts, so I suggested that he get back into doing some BJJ or even go fishing more often, things he can do for himself and also get some time away from all of us as well. He just fobs it all off, or in the case of the fishing, complains about not having the time to do it. He does have the time for god’s sake! I don’t particularly want to go fishing every single time he might and so therefore he doesn’t go, as if he simply can’t function if I’m not there to hold his hand. It drives me nuts.
He has developed an interesting in guns though. Oh what joy that is! I hate them. I see the purpose of them, I understand the use of them in the right context but I don’t see why the average citizen needs to own them. I get the whole hobby aspect but why must they be kept in our home? I don’t want them around the kids. He keeps them safely, that is not an issue in any way, I just don’t want them here, particularly in my damn bedroom! Not to mention the cost involved in it all. There’s the license fees, the cost of the gun itself (he’s into shotguns at the moment), the cost of somewhere to safely store them, the ammunition, the fees for having to do a certain number of shoots per year to keep the license. It all adds up and we just don’t have the money. Not even a little bit of it. He’s not working because of various issues, I’m not working because of my own shit, we don’t have any spare money. I’m doing this course (which is free) so that I can get into a ‘real’ course and then hopefully get a bloody good job and actually make enough money to live on comfortably each week. I don’t know, I’m just rambling really…
We haven’t argued too much in the last few days, though there have a been a couple of disagreements in the last couple of weeks. At this exact moment I’m feeling very…empty. I think that is how I would describe it. It’s like I just don’t care about anything at the moment. I’m in a routine of getting up and spending the day studying and fitting bits of housework in around all that. Going into the lounge in the evenings and watching some of the TV shows that I like and then going to bed. In the midst of all that I’m trying to make sure that I don’t spend too much time studying, that I talk to The Husband enough and go into enough detail regarding what I’m doing, that I make sure I make the effort to touch him in one way or another. I sound terrible I know. I can sympathise where he’s coming from in respect to me not being very affectionate, truly, I can. The thing is, I just don’t want to be. At the moment I can’t help but see a person who is always watching over me and telling me what I should/shouldn’t be doing whenever I look at him. It’s not exactly conducive to the giving of affection. I suppose that is my problem though, something I’m going to need to work on. I will. I just don’t want to right now.
I feel as if I’m always working on some aspect of me. I don’t know have a clue who I truly am anymore. I have some idea, sure, but overall, I just don’t know. I haven’t known in a long time. I’ve spent so many of the last 20 years modifying me to fit in with what he wants that I’ve lost any semblance of who I used to be. I don’t know what I could have grown into.
This is just stupid. I don’t know why I bothered to try and put a post together. All I’m doing is babbling and wasting everyone’s time, which could be better spent reading the thousands of other blog’s that put up posts today that are logical and about something!
Maybe next time I’ll have something decent to say…
5 in the bed...:
Gosh, I know how it feels, this emptiness! You're not the only one.
The point of your blog is to rant and babble. To share what is on your mind. To seek input from impartial parties and see your situation through their eyes. I think you are writing the perfect blog.
*great big hugs*
You're venting, clearing the cobwebs.. We're here to lend an ear and a cyber hug when we can.. Stay strong.
You guys are just brilliant do you know that? Seriously, absolute legends of the interweb!
Em.xx
i think your post is beautiful, Em. i've always told you that i was drawn to your frankness and the fact that you truly write from the heart.
i agree with the everyone else who commented- this is your space. its function is to help you clear out your closet space and give you an opportunity to sort through some stuff that you need to sort through for yourself. you never need to apologize in your own space for writing what you feel, or even how you say it. and the people who are here reading what you share aren't here to judge you. we're here because we all care about you, and like Tragic said, to offer an ear and a 'hug' when we can.
you're in the thick of it now, with your course and all of the baggage its picking up and dragging with you along the way. these are the times when it's hardest to move forward, because the end is not in sight yet. stay strong and persevere! i believe in you!!!
peace and hugs
sb
Post a Comment