I told him that I’ve been thinking and feeling about these things for a while now, it’s not just now that I’m saying them, so because of this he thinks that I must be talking to someone online (because I don’t have any friends in real life) who has been telling me that I should be feeling or thinking this way. Which is complete and utter rubbish. Other than writing my blog, all I do is my uni work. That’s it. There is one person I email when I get the chance but that has come about through me writing here. I write what I’m feeling, then people comment on that, not the other way around.
He’s starting to get nasty I think. Despite my telling him how I feel about sex at the moment, he keeps asking, putting me in the position where he has to know what my answer will be, therefore giving him the opportunity to tell me how awful and terrible that makes him feel, which makes me feel horrible and guilty. Am I just being paranoid in thinking that part of the reason he does that is because he knows I’ll feel bad at the end of it?
Last night I told him that part of the reason I feel the way that I do is because I have let myself be put into a situation where it’s acceptable for me to be told what to do. I never made any huge efforts to make it clear that it wasn't okay. I’ve already said this to him in the last few weeks. Last night though he turned it into me hating that I had the kids and that I’m a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM). I never said that, not once. How does he get that from what I said? Is that him trying to make me feel guilty for saying something, for feeling the way I do?
He keeps going on and on about how he’d do anything for me. That he’s there for me at my beck and call whenever I want him. To a large degree that is true. In the mornings he’ll make me a cup of tea if I want one. He’ll do lots of little things for me. I appreciate that, I really do. At the same time though he’s so good at laying on the guilt. Making all of us feel as if we are such a burden to him. When the kids want anything, like a lift to their friends house so they can sleep over, he goes on and on about how he does everything for everyone, how we never appreciate it, we don’t care, we take him for granted, how it’s so difficult to fit everything in. He does this pretty much every single time. What the fuck are we supposed to think?! That he loves us so much and would do anything for us? How can we truly believe all this when that’s what he does when we ask him to do something simple like going to the shop? He’s the one with the license, the car. I don’t have a license. He complains that he has to take the kids to school everyday. What am I supposed to do, walk them there while he sits here with the car?
I love our kids, I truly do. I didn’t want to bring them into the world if we couldn’t afford to look after them though. He said that he would work and I would stay at home with the kids. He’s spent more time not working than he has working. Why? I don’t fucking know! Since he got stabbed, things got much worse. He’s hurt his back quite badly since then too. I’m not unsympathetic to that but for crying out loud, it’s not like there aren’t people out there with all sorts of physical and mental issues that still work. I get that it’s going to be hard to find work that pays enough to support us all but fuck, he could try. There’s bound to be something.
He’s going through a lot right now. He’s copping it from me and he’s tyring to work through all the shit that has made him the person that he is. I understand that must be amazingly difficult for him because he’s tried for so long to bury it all. The hard part for me is because I’m so angry and resentful at the moment he’s expecting me to make him feel better through it all, to support him I suppose. I want to in a way but I just can’t. Does that make sense? I listen to him to talk about it all, I give him advice and try and help in that way, I’m just not sure I can give much more than that right now. It sounds cruel but there is a big portion of what he says that I just want to say “Get over it will you!” Like his mother and father splitting up and the fact that his mother wasn’t particularly gracious of their Dad. The fact that she went out a lot and met a lot of different guys. I can sympathise with all that, my mother did a similar thing but fuck, to let it ruin your entire life, why? Why can’t he just think logically about it. Realise that people do things and they suck but you have to move on, you have to get over it. I think he’s relying on his mother to admit that what she did was wrong to be able to get over it all. That’s probably not going to happen, she may not even think that way. Its like when he has an issue, he expects everyone else to do something in order for it to be better for him. It doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t.
He wants me to ‘talk’ to him. This is a perfect example of why I don’t want to. When I was going through a really low period a while ago, I decided to talk to him, whereas usually I talk to no one. I told him that I have suicidal thoughts. His way of dealing with it was to tell me that he didn’t want to go anywhere because he thought they’d come to a “blood bath”, his words. All he could go on about was how what I said affected him and the kids, how it could affect them. How horrible it made him feel. Last night he reiterated this. In my own words: “Here I am going through all this and you don’t do anything, when I held your hand through everything, when I couldn’t go out because I thought I’d come back to a blood bath…” His idea of holding my hand was telling me that my psychiatrist was an idiot and didn’t know what he was talking about and that I shouldn’t got there anymore, that the meds were stupid and didn’t work. That there was nothing wrong with. How is that ‘holding my hand’? Seriously. When I say things that show my concern for him: “Do you think that all the tablets you take are a good idea? They could be causing you more damage than good, you could becoming addicted to them, maybe you should see about trying something different?” According to him, it’s just a passing comment.
…the next day…
I apologised to being a bit too nasty a one point yesterday, then I went and gave him a hug and told him that I do love him. Which I do. Since then, he’s been all over me and frankly, it’s annoying me. Does that make me a horrible person? Every time he get’s close to me I just feel all the anger and resentment well up and I want to get away as fast as I can. That must make me a terrible person, it must.
Gray was right, I feel like my emotions are sitting on the fence right now. I just can’t seem to work out what side I want to be on more. Sb is right too, what if I do pick a side and then I regret it for the rest of my life? What then? I hate getting up in the morning now. I loathe it. I can’t concentrate to study any more, every time I sit down I just get confused and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I have a maths assignment due but I’m stuck on a couple of parts and I can’t get it together enough to get past it. I’ve got to organise the exam for maths too and I’m petrified because I know I’m going to fail it, I just know it. It just feels like it’s all too much. There’s a part of me that feels like this is what He wanted too. For me to get so stressed out that I couldn’t study anymore. I don’t know if what I think when it comes to Him is true or not or whether I’m just over-reacting and seeing too much into everything.
I just want it all to stop.
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