That is such a good question but you know what? I just can’t seem to answer it lately. I truly can’t. I feel fucking conflicted right now. (BTW, I only use the F word when I’m writing because I really want to make a point, not just for the sake of using it or even for shock value.)
It’s like there is two emotional sides competing inside me at the moment. After all this time The Husband has finally worked out that we could be headed for disaster if things don’t dramatically improve. He’s trying to work on things, including himself, which I’m really happy with, for both Him and I. I’m happy that maybe He won’t keep treating me the way that He does and I’m happy for Him in that He may finally work through some of the crap that makes Him the way He is. Having said all that though, there is a part of me that just doesn’t care anymore. I’m over it all. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m just too angry, frustrated, fed up, tired and drained of everything that I had to give. It feels as if I’ve spent years giving all that I’ve got to Him in an effort to please Him. There are parts of me that I think I wouldn’t have minded in keeping but I got rid of them because He didn’t like them. I allowed Him to think it was okay to do most of the stuff that He’s done. There is a part of me that has grown to resent Him. To not want to be around Him anymore.
There is the other part of me that wants to make things work. I don’t believe in just getting divorced because you can. Not trying as hard as you possibly can before even going down that path. I want to try so badly, for me, Him, us and the kids. I’m just in this place right now where it feels like I have nothing left to give. Does that make sense? It’s like He woke up one day and suddenly realised that there was more to my unhappiness than just being bipolar. It had to do with Him and His entire attitude. Then He decided that He doesn’t want to lose me or the kids and so He wants to work on us and Himself, so of course I’m expected to immediately jump with joy and start doing the same thing. I can’t. I feel like I’ve spent so fucking long trying and where I am right now is where it’s gotten me. Is this understandable do you think? Am I being unreasonable here? Seriously, if you think I am, whether I want to hear it or not, please tell me.
We are going around in circles at the moment. Everyday He brings up the same shit, over and over again. I don’t always respond to what He has to say. I prefer to take my time and think over what I have to say, make sure it’s what I really mean, not just something off the cuff, apt to hurt Him because I’m feeling angry or upset at the time. He has a tendency to twist things that I say and turn then into something they aren’t, so I think it’s important that I say exactly what I mean, leave nothing to chance. I’m not always ready to say what I truly think either. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Most of the time I end up saying nothing at all. I think about it for a while then I’ll say something. For a little while now He’s been going on about the same thing, as I said, and the other night (so about 2 1/2 days ago I think) I told Him what I thought. He’s still going on about it, as if I said nothing at all. I can’t even tell you how much this is pissing me off! He keeps telling me I won’t talk yet when I do it’s like He’s not even listening to me. I can’t help but think it’s because He’s not hearing what He wants to hear, so He keeps going in the hopes that I’ll finally cave in and just give Him what He wants. Well fuck that! I’m determined not to.
One of His big complaints is that I don’t show Him that I love Him. I can absolutely see where He’s coming from. At the moment I don’t and I probably haven’t for a while now. I don’t think I’ve ever shown Him in the way he wants me to. It all seems to come down to how He wants things to be. Similar to what I said above, I don’t have it in me to be affectionate right now. I don’t want to be. I know that’s not necessarily fair on Him but I’m not sure what else to do. For me it all comes back to all that I’ve done for all these years and ended up hitting a brick wall. Instead of trying to break through the wall now I’m looking to either go around it or just walk away from it.
Of course sex is a big issue for Him. Again, I can understand that. It must feel terrible from his perspective. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to have sex with Him anymore but the predominant feeling is that I don’t want to have sex at all. If I get an overwhelming urge of any kind, which is pretty rare, then I’d rather just deal with it myself. It’s not that the sex we do have is terrible or anything like that. I orgasm pretty much every single time, whether there is any foreplay or not. I don’t always want foreplay, sometimes I just want the main event and that’s it. There is hardly ever a time where I don’t end up getting some enjoyment out of it. I’m not sure what makes me feel the way I do. I just don’t have any interest. I don’t even know where to begin in sorting that out. A few years back, not long after I started this blog, I had a huge desire. We had Cherry as part of the equation and it seriously turned me on. Even without her around though I felt the most into it all for the first time in a very long time. I was desperately hoping it would last forever but it didn’t. Eventually the desire disappeared and I was back where I started. I don’t want to have to try and find some other girl to bring into our bedroom to get my groove back on again. As it stands though, I don’t give a shit that I don’t want it. At this exact point in time I couldn’t care less. It’s horrible to have to admit but it’s true.
So the question is asked every single day, repeatedly, What do I want? I haven’t got a damm clue! I don’t know even know where to begin to work it out. All I care about at the moment is studying. I know I’ll fail the maths unit (I am trying) but I’m hoping to do amazing on everything else and then get into the course I want and then in 3, 4 or even 5 years get the job I want and finally start getting this family on track. Beyond that…no idea whatsoever. The part that wants to work things through is out and proud some days, others it’s hidden away and I can barely find a piece of it to remember that it exists. How the hell am I supposed to tell Him what I want when I don’t know. He asks me as if it’s the simplest thing in the world to tell Him when it’s not. Not at all. Not even a little bit.
2 in the bed...:
*hugs you tightly* It is damn hard to get excited when you've been fighting for so long for what he's just now getting. I wish he'd understand that. Though I think you need to sit down and decide once and for all. Do you want to stay or no? Once you make that decision your mindset will follow. You are sitting on a fence and so are your emotions.
i know where you're at, Em. i've been in almost the exact same situation- where i felt as if i'd given so much of myself and felt like i'd practically lost who i was in the process. i survived, though, and so did my marriage- it is possible to work through this phase. it takes a lot of time, a lot of understanding, and a lot of patience.
when you're feeling as conflicted as you are, i don't think it's as simple as deciding to stay or go. it's been my experience that if you're doubting either path, you could end up regretting your decision later- after the damage is done. in my situation, i ended up withdrawing into myself. i assured my partner that i still loved them very much, but that i felt numb (read: practically no physical affection given nor received, and most certainly no sex!). i almost put myself into a form of stasis. i wasn't mean about it or bitter acting, but i just didn't feel like being affectionate or pretending that it was business as usual. i took that time to focus on myself, and on the things i felt had been supressed in me (in my case it was to work on my art). my partner took it very hard at first, but as time went on and they saw that i was truly hurting, and that i had been truthful in what i said about loving them still (we were still talking- not fighting- and i really was walking around in sort of a daze), we settled into this stasis groove for a while as i took the time to heal myself. in this time, my partner realized that i wasn't beating a path to the door (i think insecurity is your husband's biggest issue at the moment) and so they took the time to work on themself. there wasn't some great "a-ha!" moment where we jumped out of that groove and landed back into marital bliss, but as time went on in our secure arrangement, i healed myself to a point where i started to feel again. and believe me, i was at a point where i questioned heavily whether i wanted to stay in the relationship. i'm glad i didn't take that leap, because i would have missed out on the best years of my life.
it might not be the case in your situation, Em (and i apologize if i've hijacked your blog- geez, i probably should have posted this to you as a private note!) but as i said above, it sounds like your husband's biggest issue is insecurity. right now, he's shitting his drawers wondering if you might snap and walk out at any second. if he truly loves you and cares for your well-being, and you truly love him and want to try to make things work, then tell him that. he can get a whiff that if some things don't change, you could leave (you always need to make it clear that you have options), but it doesn't need to hang over his head like Damocles' sword. with regards to sex, sex is a natural byproduct of a healthy relationship. it's like the fruit from a tree. if the tree is healthy, it produces fruit. if it's malnourished, it produces less of it, and it's less satisfying. if the tree is dead, it produces no fruit. the fact that you still enjoy some aspects of sex with your husband tells me that the relationship is not dead, it's just malnourished. he needs to give you space to get yourself figured out. keep your elbows out, hon. it's hard to change habits and it's hard to gain hand in a relationship when you haven't had it before, but it is possible to change things. stay strong, Em!!! i'm sending you loving vibes from the other side of the world!!!
huge hugs!!!
peace
sb
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