It Was My Day & I’ll Do What I Want

Technically, it was my birthday two days ago, Wednesday the 5th. Given our overall financial situation, I thought it better to just spend the day at home and not go out to a potentially expensive lunch or ask for presents that cost money we don’t have at the best of times. That might seem unfair and all that, but that is what I wanted for the day. In response, I got various comments/digs about how terrible I was being, how I was ruining the nice things that He wanted to do for me, why couldn’t I just suck it up and say thankyou, etc. etc. etc.

Not unreasonable comments. Not at all.

An example of why I feel the way that I do about this sort of thing. Why I get the guilt's about it all. Pretend that it’s our pay day, we go out and I see a book or a nice piece of clothing that I’d like to have. Nothing unreasonable in price, usually no more than $10 (Aussie dollars BTW) and I get it. Then, 3 days later we are completely broke. No money at all. The car is out of petrol, the kids need to get to school and sports, plus there’s all the usual stuff that money is required for. I, in turn, feel incredibly guilty for having spent that $10 on the book or the clothing because if I hadn’t, we’d still have that money to put to better use. Irrational, overly dramatic, childish even. Absolutely. But, that is how I feel and I can’t help it. I try not to feel shitty but I do. He will sometimes make comments that exacerbate that feeling too. I don’t give a stuff what he says, I know he’s doing it deliberately, just to watch me squirm. To watch me fly off the handle so that he can then tell me how ridiculous I’m being, how he doesn’t care that I bought a book or whatever, that he’ll buy me whatever I want…blah, blah, blah…

So when my birthday arrived I decided I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or get any damm presents. And given that it was my birthday, that should be my right to have it that way.

Sidenote: I had my mum down the for the day and Miss Independent is back at home with her boyfriend and they both gave me a lovely card each and The Husband did get me some red carnations (we had white carnations and white roses for our wedding). I didn’t need more than that.