Everything was going on fairly well I thought. In the last month the focus that I had has worn off and I’ve been pushing through it to keep studying, it’s not been easy but it’s been working so far. The fact that I’ve decided not to put up with The Husband and his crap has actually made me feel really good about myself, probably for the first time in a long time, even though it makes everyday life here pretty difficult at the best of times. I thought, no matter what happens, I can do all this. I won’t feel shitty, I will focus on where I plan to go and let that keep me going.
As usual though, it hasn’t turned out that way. For the last five or so mornings, as soon as my brain focuses in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t want to do this anymore. Any of it.” I just want to close my eye’s and not have them open ever again. I close them and pray that I’ll have a massive heart attack or something. So far it hasn’t happened. I’m still fucking here.
Nothing that I can think of has caused this shift. I started to sleep in again, which I didn’t want to be doing. I pushed myself to get up and there I was sitting having a cup of tea and this huge weight just seemed to fall over me. It was almost a physical feeling. I decided I wasn’t going to let that feeling stay, I was going to get rid of it. I went and sat here at the computer and started reading and researching for my History essay. It worked for a little while. I went to my friends place for a bit too. That all seemed to work for a bit. Then by the end of the day, when there was nothing else to do, there it was. Still there. It hadn’t gone at all. I couldn’t even bring myself to go and have a shower. The thought of it just seemed like too much. Everything seemed like to much. It still does. I’m afraid that the motivation I had to keep studying is gone now. That by the time it comes back it will be too late.
I hate this. I hate it. Why do I have to feel like this. Why can’t the normal feelings, the focus, just be the way I am. Why? Why do I have to keep doubting myself. Fuck.
2 in the bed...:
We all have these moments now and then. Don't give up hope!
my dear Em- stay strong, hon. you're right in the thick of things, but if you can stay on course, you'll start to see some light at the end of the tunnel. things always appear to be at their worst just before they start to get better. i know how hard it is, but please don't give up on yourself. i haven't given up on you!
has your Psych talked about the need for you to have a space for you and you alone? it doesn't necessarily need to be a physical space (or much of one). but a place where you can just be alone with yourself and your thoughts- a safe place, where you can collect yourself and stay shielded from the outside? for me, it happens to be the time when i'm sitting with my guitar writing a song. i also find great solace in taking my dog for a walk (alone) in the forest. is there anything like that you can do (preferably outside- in nature)? sit by a stream, or on a beach as the waves roll in. or walk in the woods or through a field and watch the birds and insects go about their lives. it's amazing what can happen when your body starts tuning into the natural rhythms and sounds around you (and having husbands and children taking bites out of you doesn't count as natural sounds!)....
you know where i am if you need me...
peace and big hugs!
sb
xo
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