I can feel it coming, I’m sure I can.
I can’t focus on anything at the moment. I have assignments due in the next day or two and I’ve barely started on one of them. There’s more due by the end of the week and again, I think I’ve started on one of them, just barely. I sit here staring at the books, at the computer screen and the whole lot is just not sinking in. It’s going straight through, leaving barely a trace of anything behind.
I’m feeling lethargic and numb. I’m going through little bursts of happiness but then crashing back down again harder than I probably should. The crashes are getting harder and heavier each time. The other day I spent all day just crying, over everything. I sat in the car for 25 minutes crying the entire time, I couldn’t stop. I managed to suck it up for about 1/2 an hour, then cried the whole way home.
I wake up every single morning with a mixture of hate, anger and disappointment flowing through me. I don’t want to get out of bed, I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up again. I do get up, walk aimlessly around the house then come and sit here and start staring at the books and the computer just hoping that inspiration will hit me and I can start working again and produce something, anything.
It doesn’t happen though. It’s been almost 5 days now that I’ve been doing this. In that time I’ve written the two paragraphs required for my English unit and I think they were terrible. It was some of the worst shit that I’ve ever written. Yet a week and a half ago I managed to produce one of the best pieces in the entire class, even I was impressed with what I did and I hate everything I do.
Something big is coming. I’m headed for a massive crash, I know it. I trying so hard though to find someway to avoid it. I can’t have it happen right now. I’ve got work to do and I can’t chuck this in again, I just can’t. If I do it will mean that I’ll always be a failure.
It’s like I’m swimming in a big sea of nothingness. I just wander around aimlessly at the moment. The Husband is back to complaining that I don’t show him I love him. I wish he would just shut up. I do love him. I think I do. I just don’t know anymore. It feels like I know absolutely nothing anymore.
I hate it when this shit happens. Why me? When I look around it feels like everyone is doing perfectly fine, getting on with life, doing something. I feel like I’m stuck, like I always will be, like nothing is going to change. Ever. I’m going go to through all this crap that I’m causing at the moment and nothing will be any different than what it’s always been.
1 in the bed...:
Oh sweetie, I wish I could just come over and hug you. We sometimes have these moments... Behind the clouds, there is always the sun. You know you can do it. Breathe deeply.
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