Psychologist #3

Please note: this post is HUGE. You may want to leave and
perhaps return when you have more time to spare.

The session began with going over the results of the tests that I took. She established what I’ve already told her in that I don’t have Bipolar I but I do agree with the first diagnoses in that I have Bipolar II. I guess I’ll probably  have to wait to find out what she thinks because some how or another we got distracted and I basically ended up bitching about all the shitty things The Husband has done and does do. I did tell her it was getting better overall but I’m not even sure it matters now. I know I care about him and his feelings are very important to me, otherwise I wouldn’t feel so crappy when I hurt his feelings. As for love, I just don’t know.

The Psych seems to think I’ve probably never truly loved him because we were so young when we got together, I wouldn’t have known what ‘real’ love is. I see her point but I’m not sure I agree with her. I’m fairly certain that I loved him deeply at some point. It just seems like in the last year maybe all the crap that has gone on, things he promised and didn’t do, the way he’s treated me etc. etc. has just gotten to me big time. More than ever before. Where I really think my feelings have changed. Frankly though, I’m too scared to tell him this. For a few different reasons.

Firstly, I don’t want him screaming at me, I don’t want him saying horrible things to me that will make me feel guilty and cry. The guilt I feel is usually nothing to do with something I’ve actually done. The Psych says he’s a ‘master manipulator’, that there are times he will deliberately says things to make me feel guilty. Bear in mind she’s seen him just as much as she has seen me, so it’s not like she’s established this opinion based only on what I’ve said. She actually said the other day that when she’s in a session with him and he talks about the things he thinks, they do sound reasonable but when I talk about the same thing, she can see how completely off base he is with what he thinks. Especially when it comes to me and what he thinks I’m thinking. Confusing I know.

Secondly, I don’t want to hurt him. I truly don’t. I would honestly get no pleasure in doing it. I would get some happiness in knowing that I wasn’t linked at the hip with him anymore, but hurting him emotionally in such a devastating way, oh god, I dread the thought.

Thirdly, I’m afraid that he’ll either do something to hurt himself or there may be some small possibility that he will physically hurt me. That might sound dramatic but if the first thing that I’m worried about where to happen then I could easily see it progressing to this, without a doubt. Plus, if he couldn’t me physically then he would do it emotionally by trying to take the kids away from me. He would absolutely go to court and tell them that I am a terrible mother in order to get them believing that by doing so I would take him back because I wouldn’t want to be without them. He did it once before, with Miss Independent, when she was about 18 months old and I did go back to him. So there is a precedent for this in his mind. The difference now is that all the kids are old enough to make up their own minds, I just can’t bear the thought of having to make them choose. What a disgusting and horrible thing for a child to have to do. It’s not fair.

Fourthly, I’m terrified I won’t be able to cope without him. I know that sounds stupid but I’ve had to rely on him for virtually everything for a very long time now. He has made it that way and now he complains and makes me feel bad for it. I don’t drive, I’d have to walk everywhere. What about The Bean Pole and his sport, I wouldn’t be able to get him there. He’d hate me for that, especially now that he’s gotten into State team. What if I can’t balance a budget anymore? I could years ago but I haven’t had to for so long, he’s taken all that over, completely fucked it all up, but taken it over none the less. What if I did just as bad a job as he does? If I did, he’s rub that in so badly, he’d never let me forget it. He’d tell me that I got rid of him because of money and then I couldn’t do it so I got rid of him for no reason.

By the end of my session with The Psych she was telling me to leave him. To leave the kids behind if need be and just go, get away from me. Go to a shelter, go anywhere but near him. I felt really bad for The Husband, because he likes her quite a lot I think and enjoys going to see her each week and here she is telling me to leave him, when he thinks that she is going to help us stay together and make it all okay again. I truly want to talk to him about how I’m feeling but if you were a fly on my wall you’d probably tell me not too. The thing is though, I don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to do that to him either.

I have no desire for sex at all and as I’ve mentioned before he’s pretty keen on the whole thing. For him to get nothing all the time and I’m sure that when we do it’s not all that wonderful for him. I don’t think I’m any good at giving head and my hand jobs seem so awkward. I’m terrible at going on top for long periods because my legs get knackered. I’m not into kissing because I can’t stand the slobber on my face or the feeling of his tongue in my mouth (whether that boils down to kissing him specifically I don’t know because when I work super, mega hard at it I can kiss and feel a tiny bit turned on but I have to do some major mental gymnastics to make that happen). I’m easily embarrassed and incredibly self-conscious. Those things aren’t his fault, though he may have a wee bit to do with the last two. He tells me it’s all wonderful when I’m into it. It’s the quickies, where he can tell that I’m not hugely keen that he doesn’t like. I’m surprised that he hasn’t gotten rid of me yet, given all that! It would probably be a lot easier for me if he did. I know what your thinking, that’s why I’m not sleeping with him, so that he’ll hate me and leave. No, that is definitely not the case. I’ve thought long and hard about that because he thinks I deliberately withhold it because he won’t do what I want or whatever. I swear that I don’t do that. That would be an incredibly cruel thing to do.

I’ve just realised how long this post has gotten! I put that note in at the top just now, so I’ll stop. I don’t think I have much more to talk about right now anyway. Oh, my uni stuff has, to some degree gone all pear shaped. I’ll try and come back over the next few days and fill you in on the good and the bad.