The End?

~ 19th June, 2010 ~

When I saw The Psych the other day (I won’t be blogging about that session, nothing happened that warrants it’s own post took place), I said to her that I’m fairly certain that the way I feel towards The Husband has changed. I don’t love him like I once did and I know not as much as he loves me. I don’t hate him, it’s not even that I don’t like him, I do love him still, just not in the ‘we should be together forever’ kind of way.

Sometimes though, there are little moments when I doubt feeling all that. It’s bizarre. I try and picture different scenarios of us not together anymore, living separate lives. How would I feel if he found a new girlfriend (which I know he would, probably within 6 months to a year at the most), if he started actually living – going out, doing things, hanging out with friends he has, that sort of thing. Would I be angry or jealous? Would I then want him back? What if he didn’t want me back? Would I be upset? If I’m totally honest with myself, which, if no where else, I try to be when I writing here, I think I might feel a little bit of all those things. Just not to the level that I once did. That tells me a lot in terms of my feelings towards him. I just thought of something. I think if he found someone new and seemed to be incredibly happy and loving life, then I think I would feel somewhat angry but probably, the predominant feeling would be guilt.

~ 24th July, 2010 ~

I should start this part of the post by saying that nothing terribly bad has happened since I last posted. There has been a couple of times where I just haven’t had any internet and the rest of the time, well, I’ve just been taking a break. I’ve been playing The Sims 3 a lot, which I haven’t done in about 3 months or so. I’ve been trying to spend more time with the kids. I’ve been trying to get my act together in terms of housework. Between studying and being depressed, housework ends up so far down the list its not even funny. All that ends up getting done is the basics, not the other things that should be done too.

I’ve finished my uni course. I failed the maths unit miserably. Partly through my own lack of discipline and partly through having the worst lecturer ever. So I’ve re-enrolled in that. If I don’t pass it then I can’t use the course to get into a degree course and given that is my ultimate goal, then I need to pass this maths unit. As for the other three units, I pass those. I passed them with High Distinctions in all of them. It’s uni speak for an A+ so I’m incredibly proud of myself. I think I’ve told only about two or so people that I passed with flying colours. Every time I go to tell someone I stop because I feel like I’m just bragging and I don’t like doing that. So I don’t say anything. I don’t need a ton of praise, I’m happy with just me knowing that I did well.

The Husband and I are still seeing The Psych. We’ve got six more free sessions with her. After that, if there isn’t any way to get more, then we either stop going or start paying around $170 each person for each session. So that would be around $340 a week or a fortnight, depending on when our appointments are. That is not going to be happening. We just don’t have that kind of money unfortunately. Next week we start seeing her together. So far we haven’t done that yet. We’ve only had individual sessions. I have to say I’m pretty scared/nervous about these joint sessions. Part of me doesn’t want to hear what He has to say about me, the bad things He has to say. I know there are bad things. There are things that I’m doing that I know bother Him greatly but I have my reasons and I don’t want to tell Him what they are yet, I’m not ready too. He has the right to express how he feels and I’m fine with that. I just don’t like hearing crappy things about myself. Also, I’m not ready to tell Him certain things either. I’m just not. I don’t think He’s really ready to hear them either. I’m just going to wing it I suppose. The Psych still asks me why I’m with Him, why don’t I just leave. She even suggested that I just go and leave the kids behind for the time being. That is not going to happen. I can’t see there being any situation where I would do that. It wouldn’t be fair to them.

Oh, one thing The Psych told me that has really pissed me off is that The Husband says he does pretty much all the parenting. I don’t do much of it. I haven’t said anything to The Husband because He would know that The Psych was the the one who told me and it would probably destroy any relationship He has with her. Either He is completely delusional or He is in a giant state of denial when it comes to the kids, I think it might be a bit of both. He thinks He has this great relationship with them. To a degree He does but it’s no where near what He thinks it is. I don’t think it’s even in the same suburb as what He thinks it is!

As for who parents them more. I wasn’t aware it was a competition for starters and secondly, we both bring different things to the table when it comes to the kids. He does all the taxing around – driving to school, sports etc. I try and do most of the home stuff. If He buys the food for me to cook then I’ll cook dinner. If it isn’t there then I can’t do it. I teach them a lot about the way to be in life. How to treat people, how to behave, what’s right and wrong, how to think about things. If it was left to Him to do that, I can tell you right now I would not even like my own kids, let alone love them. Maybe that would result in a situation where I would quite happily walk away from the lot of them. For all the good points about The Husband there are a lot know that I’m just willing to tolerate anymore. Largely because they are rubbing off on the boys mostly. The Princess seems to see that a lot of what her father says is complete bullshit and she just doesn’t listen.

For example: The Husband uses a lot of racist terms, He call women by disgusting names, He some how or another can turn anything into a crude sexual joke. I am so fucking sick of listening to it! I’m sick of telling him to stop talking like that around the boys. He just looks at me like I’m stupid. His argument is that He’s an adult and He can say what He likes and the kids have to listen when he tells them they can’t do it. For crying out loud, that just doesn’t work for everything! He won’t understand it, no matter which way I spin it. On the outside of that kind of behaviour, I find it embarrassing when I’m out with him and He talks that kind of crap, it’s humiliating. He sounds like an ignorant pig. I know He’s not, I know He knows better than that but it’s like He thinks He can just say whatever the hell He wants to and everyone just needs to get over it. Geez…I could go on for hours about all that.

Other than that. There isn’t anything else to say to be honest. Things have been pretty quiet I guess. Studying has managed to drag me out of some of my depression, so I’m hoping that continues to last. It’s been nice not thinking terrible thoughts all the time. I will try to come back and post more often. How about if I try and promise to do a post after our joint session. I’m sure I’ll have a whole heap of things to say then!