How Do I Tell Her All This?

Warning: I’m fairly sure I’m going to be using a fair bit of strong language in this post. Lost of f#$%’s mostly, so if this is of particular bother to you then you might want to skip this post entirely.

I’ll just cut right to the chase here. Miss Independent is pregnant. Again. What I’ve done to cause this child of mine to be so fucking stupid with her body I don’t know. I truly don’t.

It’s been no more than a year I think since she had a termination and had the contraceptive rod put in her arm. That rod, according to her, made her put on a ton of weight. She’s probably right. It did make her gain a lot of weight but the fact that she doesn’t do any exercise hasn’t made the situation any better. Her solution to this weight problem was to have the rod removed. Which, despite me trying to talk her passionately out of it she went and did anyway. That was maybe three or four months ago I think. Now she’s pregnant. Now she’s decided that she can’t go through with another termination and so therefore she’s going to have the baby. She’s been told that she doesn’t need a full blown termination she can instead take a few tablets which will cause a miscarriage and that will be the end of it.

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I know from first hand experience how hard a termination can be. There are so many conflicting emotions involved and age has nothing to do with it. Nothing at all. When I had mine at 14 (I think that’s how old I was) I did it because my mother told me I had to and that if I didn’t then basically she’d want nothing more to do with me if I didn’t. Considering she was the only family I had and I had nowhere else to go I went ahead with it. It took two trips to the hospital to have it done though. The first time I completely freaked out and refused to have it done. Then I went back and had it done. It took me a very long time to get over it. A very long time. Now though, 16 years later, I’m glad that I did it. I’m not proud of myself by any stretch but it was definitely a good idea and the best thing for me. If I hadn’t done it I wouldn’t have my other four children now. There are things that may not be happening now which I’d much prefer weren’t happening but the bottom line is I wouldn’t have my children.

I know what Miss Independent is going through. I didn’t enjoy telling her that I’d had a termination. That I’d had a miscarriage before I had her too. This is the sort of stuff I prefer to keep private. The sort of stuff I might only be willing to share here, in the anonymity of cyberspace. I shared it though. All of it. All to make her see how having a child at 16 (which she was the first time) was not all rainbows and roses. Now she says that she went through with the termination because of me. Because I wanted her too. She did it to please me. Essentially, it’s my fault. It’s my fault that she feels guilty, horrible and a murderer. You know what though, I’ll cop that. I’ll live with her blaming me if it makes her feel better. I know my daughter and I know she’s not ready for this.

She says she’s prepared to do it on her own. In other words without the stupid boyfriend who has fathered this child. She doesn’t mean alone though. She means “I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to work and I’m going to do a whole bunch of things with a bucket of eggs and big stick and while I do Mum will look after the baby because she loves me.” I’m not going to do it. You might think that’s harsh. That it’s not fair. That I’m not being supportive. That’s okay. You can think that. In some respect you’d be right. If you’ve been reading this blog recently, you’ll see that I’m going through a shit load of life changes. In my marriage, in my self and hopefully in my path in life. Come hell or high water I’m going to get my lazy ass into university and I’m going to put everything I’ve got into getting a psychology degree. Whether I achieve it or not, that’s another matter entirely. I’m also in the process of getting into a basic course in order to give me some employability so that I can at least get a part time job. So I’m not stuck sitting at home and because The Husband feels he’s not capable of working at the moment. Which doesn’t explain the last three years but that’s another story entirely. I’m sick of this life I have. It’s not what I wanted for myself or my children. I should have grown the balls and done this shit a long time ago. Instead I didn’t. Instead I avoided it all because it would be hard and I didn’t think I could handle it. Hell, I’m still not sure that I can. But I’m at least going to try. I’m trying to think positive. I’m not trying not think that everything I do is going to fail. I will not give up all that I’ve worked for in the last six months or so just disappear because my daughter has this misguided belief that I’m going to look after/raise her child so she can ‘be all she can be’.

Why the fuck can’t I be all that I can be? Why? I’ve put my entire life on hold for everyone around me. I’ve put it all on hold because I was too scared I’d fail. There’s tons of reasons I’ve put it all on hold. Having three more children after Miss Independent certainly contributed to that. They are all pretty much grown now. They are all in school. By next year there will only be one left in primary school. I’m only in my mid 30’s. I’ve still got some time left to do what I’d like. To have a career. Have a fucking life! Learn who I really am. Learn if I really am as smart as everyone says I am. I can’t do any of that if I’m having to look after my daughter’s child so she can go and do…whatever. Fuck, I sound so selfish! My god, I really do! This isn’t about me. I know that. This is about her and what it’s going to do to her life. She just doesn’t seem to understand. She keeps comparing herself to her father and I and there is no comparison. None. Her and her boyfriend have nothing in common with us. For fuck’s sake it was not more than three weeks ago that he told her he didn’t want to be with her anymore. This was after he cheated on her at her own party! Fucking hell! There is so much I want to tell her, to explain to her but I can’t. Most of what I think would hurt her and her father so much to hear it and I’m not sure I’m prepared to do that. They may never forgive me for it. I wouldn’t forgive me for it!

We’re taking her to an appointment today where they are going to explain her options to her. Talk to her about the pill/s she can take in order to induce a miscarriage. I know in my bones that she won’t do it. She’s already convinced herself that she’s going through with it. This sounds so incredibly heartless but there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a shit. I’ve done all I can in raising her. She’s moved out and now everything she does is on her own head, not mine anymore so don’t come blaming me when it all fucks up. Twenty minutes later though, I feel completely different. I just can’t see her pregnant. I just can’t see it. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to see it.

Could there possibly be anymore shit that could happen? I must have totally pissed off someone in a past life for karma to be kicking my ass this badly. I just wish she’d tell me what it was I’d done and then maybe I could repair whatever it is and then whatever is left of my life I could live in peace.