Time + Credit = Post

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve had both internet credit and the time to write a post. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been thinking about this blog and the few that stop by to read…you know who you are. I’ve felt so incredibly guilty for not putting up a post sooner, even just one with a couple of lines saying “Hi everyone, too busy to put down a post, but I’m still here…” Things have just been really hectic for me. It’s been absolutely amazing in some ways but also some of the hardest things I’ve ever done in others.

Uni is finished. I’m so sad about that. I actually did my maths exam this time. I did it late and I did it badly and knowing my luck it won’t count for a thing and I’ll fail it anyway, but at least I actually did it. I’m not sure if I ended up mentioning that I could High Distinctions for my other three subjects. This maths one though is going ruin that little run, but I’m actually not all that fussed. My goal was to just pass it, not pass it brilliantly, just pass. I’m hoping against hope that I’ve done at least that.

The other two courses that I did have finished also. I met some really nice people doing them and it definitely helped me come out of my shell a lot. I made a pact with myself before the course started that I wouldn’t go in there all quiet and trying to hide like I usually do. I’d speak up, I’d sit with the group, I’d talk about myself, that sort of thing. By the time I got to know them all a bit better and tried to tell them that I’m actually really terrible around people they didn’t believe me. They thought I had great people skills! I guess I’ve still got the ability to hide my true self, just like I always had. That’s kind of sad in a way though. It would be so nice just be that person that I pretend to be.

Things between The Husband and I are still about the same I think. Some days are fine, other’s are so awful that I end up finding a space to myself so I can cry. There’s been a few that I’ve been within a heartbeat of telling him to get out. I know that I don’t feel the same about him anymore. Definitely not the same way that he feels about me. I can’t picture being with anyone else though. I have no desire to be. Yesterday was the first time in a really long time that I actually needed him. I desperately needed him to come and save me. I was so grateful to him when he did come and get me. I’m not sure what would have happened had I had to stay there any longer.

I’ll try and explain this real quick. We, as a family, have been asked to take part in a new project that is designed to help families. I can’t really be much more specific than that without going into details and that would mean revealing things about me which I’m not going to be doing. Yesterday, I had agreed to help them out by going to different places and speaking to random families in order to get them interested in the concept and maybe get on board and volunteer. As you all know, I’m not good with people. Psych 101 tells us that in order to get over those uncomfortable feelings when in certain situations, you need to keep putting yourself in those situations to get better at them. Hence my agreement to going and speaking to random people. We began at 9:30 am. By 1:30 pm I was starting to loose it. It was getting harder and harder to pretend. I was trying but it just wasn’t happening for me. In fact, all I wanted to do was go and find a corner to hide in and start crying. I sat in this kid’s cafe, you know the one’s that have the indoor playgrounds, and I looked around me and saw the mothers with their friends and their food and the thought of going up to them and speaking to them just made me feel ill. It made my head hurt. I texted The Husband and begged him to either come and help me talk to people or come and get me, make up some bullshit reason and tell them I had to go. He came through big time and within 15 minutes I was out of there. I got to the car and I just started to cry. We got home and I kept crying. That was the first time in a very, very long time that I needed my Husband. That I couldn’t have gotten through that moment without him. I made sure that I thanked him profusely for doing that for me. I made sure that he knew I couldn’t have gotten through that moment without him.

You know what though? That night, I went back out with my flyers and talked to more random families. As much I wanted to run away screaming, I didn’t. I put myself back in that situation and did it all over again. I didn’t feel any better than I had earlier that day, but I did it. I must admit though, I’m wondering if there isn’t something else that I can do to help them because this people thing is just not working for me. I’ll try again and probably try once or twice more after that…eventually though I’m just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not my thing.

This is not much of an update I know, there’s plenty more that I want to complain and write about, I just don’t know where to begin with it all…at the beginning might be good…