What Can I Say?

Really, I don’t know what to say. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to sit and write a post of any description it’s actually laughable.

The constant changes that have been happening in my life make my head spin. Things are fine for a while, The Husband and I are able to talk and he isn’t constantly whining then all of a sudden it’ll start up again and it feels like we’re back at square one.

The sex issue is still a big one. As much as I hate to admit it to myself I do believe that part of the problem is that I just don’t find him attractive in the same way that I used to. Some of it is simply a physical thing but I feel that the larger portion is that all that has gone on over the years has just killed it completely for me. Completely and totally. I don’t even look at anyone else, male or female and feel any real urges at all. It’s like that part of me has just totally died. In some ways I don’t even care that it’s gone. I really don’t. If, on the rare occasion that I do feel ‘in the mood’ I’d much prefer to take care of it all myself and leave it at that. Wow, that sounds so terrible. So incredibly horrible and awful…

We’re still taking part in the Family project that we got involved in in about October of last year. It’s been a bit of a mixed bag but in general it’s done amazing things for our family as a whole. We all seem to function a lot better. The Husband seems to think a little more before he does things now. There is still plenty of times when he’s bordering on the worst father in the world but he’s making the effort and I have to give him due credit for that.

Miss Independent is due to have a baby in April. I know…what is there to say to that…she’s following in my shitty footsteps. In the hideous example I’ve set for her. She’s always wanted to be a mother though so frankly it’s not all that surprising that she’s done this. I just don’t want to be a Nanna. I want to be me. Me on my own without more of everyone else’s shit added to my own. Okay, it’s official, I’m a really inconsiderate, horrible bitch.

You know what though, right at this exact moment, as I type, I just don’t give a fuck. Not even a little bit. I’ve had the worst few weeks in my long and laborious life and I feel like venting my spleen all over this screen. In fact, I want to scream, yell, swear, spit, throw things, hurt people and run as far away as I possibly can, change my name and being my life all over again. I know, that’s not going to happen, I’m well aware of that, I might a bit crazy but I’m not stupid.

I’ve had everyone asking me for the last few days “What’s wrong?” “Are you okay?” Hmm, let me think…no, no I’m fucking not! “Why are you not?” is generally the next question and my response is “I have no fucking idea! If I did know what was wrong I’d fix it!” What really get’s me is that for almost a year I’ve managed to keep this shit at bay, doing all kinds of self-talk and whatnot and I’m trying it all right now and it’s getting me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere at all. I’m just sad and angry and while I can pinpoint some of the reasons why I’m feeling that way, there’s plenty of room left over that is completely unaccounted for.

If I happen to come across it though, I’ll be sure and sneak some time alone and let you all know…if anyone is still stopping by of course…I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t though.