I Have A Plan?

According to my friend and psychologist I have a Plan. The Psych has told me there are things that I need to add to this Plan but it is a Plan none the less.

Acknowledging that I have a Plan scares the hell out of me. I can’t even describe to you how much it frightens me. Thinking about things in the part of the brain that you pay actual attention with makes them real. It means that I’m truly thinking it, that it’s something I truly want, something I can’t really ignore anymore.

It’s going to take quite some time to implement this Plan though. It certainly won’t be happening overnight and even after I do implement it, a whole new set of problems will arise that I will forced to deal with. That right now, I’m not even close to being ready to dealing with. Little things I can cope with I think, but the bigger stuff that I know with absolute, 100 % certainty will happen, the scary one’s, the one’s that might completely break me, well, I’m not ready for those yet.

This Plan has been around for a while I think, I’ve just never acknowledged it before. It wasn’t until the most terrible thought (quite possibly the worst I’ve ever had) crossed my mind that the Plan came up and smacked me in the face and made sure I was paying attention.

I wished My Husband would just die. Just die. That if He did all my problems would be solved. I think the worst part of thinking this is that I’m not sorry I had the thought. There is still a part of me that wishes, when He falls asleep, that He won’t wake up again.

You see, The Husband takes a valium. He takes a lot of valium. A lot more than He should. From my perspective, the kids perspective and most everyone we both know who knows that He takes these tablets, knows He takes too much. He also takes a tablet called Panadine Forte. I don’t know that they are called elsewhere around the world but essentially they are a full of codeine. They are a prescribed pain killer. One of the most common one’s in this country I would think. He gets them by the 100’s through a specially approved prescription. He takes somewhere near a box of these a day. That’s 20 tablets I think. Then He takes the valium. I think they are around 5-10mg each and of these He has at least six I’m guessing. One of the main side-effects of these two medications is that they cause drowsiness. Both the Forte and the valium are often given for this very reason. According to a fact I heard the other day people who take this much medication are around 95% more like to die of an accidental overdose. Now I didn’t look this fact up. Honestly, it was on some show that was talking about the top ten causes of preventable deaths in the US and this was one of them. It was complete coincidence that I heard this at around the same time that my terrible thought occurred.

I can remember when I would think how terrible it was that He took too many meds, how terrible it would if He didn’t wake up one day…now…

My Plan though…my Plan is that one day I’m going to ask Him to leave. Now I’ve thought it, I spoken it and finally I’ve written it. It’s real now. Completely and totally real.

The Psych said I’m going to need to have money hidden away, preferably a bank account that He can’t access and already be in the process of organising custody of the children before I ask Him to go. She said that I might even need to consider the fact that I’ll need to get restraining orders, not just for me but for the children too. Miss Independent told me last night that He’s already told her that if we ever split up and I got a new boyfriend (highly unlikely) then He would kill him and so that I would live with the guilt of it because I’d think it was my fault. There is actually a part of me that believes He’s more than capable of doing that. He’s already told my mother that if I ever left Him then He would make sure that I didn’t have the children. I know, in my bones, I know that He’s already thought out what He would do to me, not physically, but mentally, if I ever left Him. That’s what I’m not ready for yet. I’m not strong enough to handle all that yet. I can’t put a time frame on it but I think I’ll know. I’m just hoping that I have a licence (I don’t drive), a job, some money and a lawyer before I get to that point because if I snap one day and get him removed (which I think is the only way He’ll go and stay gone), I’m going to be fucked if I don’t have those things.

So, apparently that is my Plan.