Now!

Why can’t everything just happen that way? Not later, not when you work really hard to get there, not when you pray (if your so inclined, which I’m not, in the traditional sense) for it, beg for it, plead for it, make everyone around you unhappy for it? Just now. Immediately. All the wonderful, amazing, brilliant, special things that you want to happen in your life, just do that, happen, right this second? I’m sighing with the thought of how perfect this would be.

Of course, I’m not a complete moron, I know full well that things just don’t work that way. I know that there is going to be a whole ton of shit that I’m going to have to wade through, make my children wade through before I even get a glimpse of the perceived happiness that I feel some small part of me deserves. I would just love if I could skip all the wading and get to the good bits you know?

Again, not a total moron, I know that wading through the rubbish is what makes us who we are. It makes us all become the exact person we are meant to be and I like that concept. I explained this idea to the Bean Pole just a couple of weeks ago, how even though there are things in life that we might wish we hadn’t done or have happen, all those things come together and make us the person we are and the person we become. So even though I managed to screw up my choice of husband, there are countless things that I can be glad of for having made that choice. The person I am right now, the good and the bad parts are due in part to that choice. So I know I’m going to have to crawl through the crap to get to the rainbow, I just wish I didn’t have to confront a whole bunch of things I don’t want to confront in order to get there, hence the wish that it could all just happen now.

I received some pretty amazing advice recently and I’m desperately trying to follow through with it, though I seem to be failing more often than not. Another reason I’d like it all now, not later. The advice was to try and stop going against what I want, not in a minor way, like I would prefer chocolate over vanilla ice-cream, but in big ways, like, I don’t want to be in a relationship with The Husband anymore. Like, when he tells me he wants to sleep with me and I tell him no, I don’t want to, I shouldn’t feel bad about it anymore, I shouldn’t just cave in because I don’t want to upset him. This may sound completely ridiculous but doing things like that  is incredibly hard for me. Especially when it comes to The Husband.

He goes out of his way to make me feel terrible for it. He’ll ask things of me that he knows, given that I’ve told him our relationship is over, I won’t want to do. It’s like he’s doing  it to see what my reaction will be. When I do say no, he gets so angry at me. He tells me how lucky I must be to just have the ability to say no, to not do something I don’t want to. How I don’t care how that makes him feel. I want to scream at him that I don’t fucking care, that’s the point! I’m over caring. I’m so over it all that I’m starting to loose sight of when I was ever under it all!

Of all the people in the world, he’s the one that I have the hardest time just thinking of how I feel and rather than ignoring that, going with it. Being comfortable with it. The fact that he is still living in this house is a testament to how uncomfortable I am with doing the hard things, with doing what I know is right for me. Getting him out of this house and away from me is right for me yet I’m just to scared to do it. To completely sever that tie. I gave him a time frame and then I let it pass. I did that. I knew he wouldn’t stick to it and he knew that I wouldn’t either because he knows, somewhere, deep down, that I’m frightened. That makes me sick just saying that. I get so incredibly angry with myself every time I think of it. And I think of it a lot.

Adding to all this is the fact that I feel like I’m falling into another of my black holes. I’m lacking all motivation to do anything, even the most basic of tasks. I don’t want to leave the house, the though of it just makes my chest tighten. It’s pathetic really. With him still here I find it so difficult to move forward. Every time I try and do things, he’s still there complaining, arguing, telling me I shouldn’t, that I can’t, that it’s not fair. Then I have to tell myself that he’s still able to do those things because I don’t have the guts to throw him out. That I don’t have the guts to tell him again that I want him out. I don’t have the guts to call the police and have him removed. I know that it’s going to come to that. I’m going to have to call the police and it’s going to be so ugly and scary and the Bean Pole is going to hate me for it. That boy is so attached to his Dad and anything I do that truly hurts him is like hurting the Bean Pole too. Now that I something I just know if I can bare ever doing. I keep telling myself that I’d rather live like I am now than do anything that will hurt the Bean Pole and stay with him for the rest of his life and potentially effect the relationship that we’ve developed in the past couple of years. That could just be me trying to find a way out of having to wade through that shit though, I just don’t know.

So you see how much simpler things would be if I just have it all now? Be in university doing the degree I want, maybe working so I can get the children the things they need, like decent food on the table and clothes that aren’t hand-me-downs, maybe even get them some of the things they want too. I could even have a license and a car and take the children out on the weekends to places further than walking distance. If I could just skip all the shit and get to that place now maybe I’d be truly happy for a change. Wouldn’t that be nice.