What Have I Done?

I’m  actually not sure what the hell has happened but the last three days or so have been complete hell. I woke up this morning and wondered if maybe I’m feeling a hundred times worse because I’m due to get my period soon, I’m just not sure but whatever it is, I’m feeling things that I never expected to feel in a million years and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t squash it down like I’ve done so many times before, I can’t talk to anyone about them, I don’t have anyone, I can’t blurt it all over Facebook because that would just be stupid, I could write it in my Mood Journal (which it turns out I haven’t used in two years) but it’s not the same as sitting here, seeing the words appear almost as quickly as I think them. There is also the small possibility that someone will read this and maybe have a suggestion for me as to what the hell is going on with me.

If you’ve been reading the last few weeks/months, you’ll know that The Husband and I are no longer together. It was through my doing, I asked him to move out. He did, about three months ago. Things have improved dramatically since he’s been gone. The two youngest children are much happier, I do shopping every single week, things are getting paid properly, like The Little Prince’s school stuff for next year. At Christmas I was able to get them decent gifts without having to spend three or four months fighting and stressing about the entire thing. Miss Independent is able to come over much more than ever before, she isn’t waiting for her dad to say something mean or nasty or rude or disgusting, she isn’t waiting for the moment when he starts a fight with her. The Bean Pole has taken the entire thing particularly hard though it seemed recently as if things were improving for him, he seemed happier again and he was talking to me more and more, like he had done before they moved out.

Then I found out that he’d made a new ‘friend’. It turned out he’s had this friend a lot longer than he made it sound like he did when he initially told me about it. Triple C and he it turns out have been friends since fairly soon after he moved out. They exchanged phone numbers and agreed to catch up. Except for the fact that The Husband always looks like he’s flirting when he’s being friendly with other girls, I guess it was all above board at that point. Then she decided to split up with her boyfriend of 11 years who had apparently been abusing her both physically and verbally for most of that 11 years. Whether this is true or not I have no idea. Given that The Husband was abusive in the an emotional and possibly financial way for a good 15 years I find it rather ironic that he’s oh so very sympathetic with Triple C over her plight.

After this breakup, which had nothing to do with any feelings she or he might have had for one another apparently, she was scared to stay in her own home so she would go and stay at The Husbands house, in his bed, with the door open and The Bean Pole in another room feeling very angry, upset and I would guess betrayed by his father. The reason I was told about all this was because it turns out that Triple C’s ex-boyfriends family live very, very close to me. A few in my street, a few more in the houses directly behind me. The Little Prince was friends with one of their children. He was concerned that they might come around and cause some trouble for me and The Little Prince.

At first I wasn’t bothered by the situation. I was annoyed that he’d done something stupid that could potentially cause me and the children problems but other than that I didn’t think much of it. I don’t know why, it might have been because when he told me I had a person waiting in their car to see me and there was something else going on and I was completely distracted. I don’t think I really thought about it much until I saw The Bean Pole and he started to talk about the situation and about how bothered by it all he was, how he didn’t like her and didn’t want to get to know her at all, despite her buying him things and trying to be all friendly. He just wanted her to go away and he couldn’t understand why his dad would be doing this so soon after separating from his wife of 20 years, the woman who is his mother. Despite everything his dad was telling him, he didn’t believe that nothing was going on, that they were just friends. I think it all came to a head for The Bean Pole when she wanted the two of them to attend a bbq at Triple C’s family home, with her entire family, an apparently very important and intimate event that only those considered family were invited to. The Bean Pole flatly refused to attend. There was nothing that was going to make him go, nothing. He ended up spending almost three days here, going home for one night and then coming back again, all to avoid having to be with his dad and more than likely Triple C.

After I heard this I started to get very annoyed. Then when I found out that The Husband had taken her to meet his mother and step father on more than one occasion, that it seems like whenever The Bean Pole is here with me The Husband is off spending his time with her and now that it turns out that on Christmas Day, he spent a significant amount of time with her rather than taking time to spend some of the day with his children, I’ve become beyond angry. He’s lying about all this stuff too. The kids have asked him, I asked him what he did Christmas Day and he said fishing, that was it. He tells The Princess last night that he spent some of it with her too. He told her this when he took her for a drive last night to talk to her about his new ‘friend’, about how maybe she’d like to meet her. Needless to say The Princess said she doesn’t want to met her, she doesn’t ever want to meet and she doesn’t like her, well not her personally, but what she’s doing.

He’s told me she makes him happy, she makes him smile, they are just friends. He has me in his phone as ‘the stone cold bitch’ or something similar and he’s got her listed as something along the lines of ‘sweet thing who makes me smile and happy’ or some other fucking shit. He’s not sleeping with this girl though. While The Bean Pole was with me, he thought it would be a good idea to take her to spend the evening at his mother’s house, while she was completely drunk and making a total fool of herself. But he’s not sleeping with her. He’s got her sleeping in his bed, according to him, one of them is above the blankets and the door is open. But he’s not sleeping with her. She spends most of a day sitting on his bed with him, while he sleeps. He’s not sleeping with her though. She’s desperately trying to make friends with The Bean Pole and The Husband it would now appear wants the other children to make friends with her too. Though none of this is because he’s sleeping with her. He’s heard her telling her father that she’s hoping for something more and it doesn’t look like he’s told her that isn’t going to happen, in fact he told The Princess that  maybe something will happen, he’s not sure. But he’s not fucking sleeping with her.

The Princess told him last night, during their ‘chat’ that everything he’s doing suggests that he’s hanging out with a girlfriend, that’s he’s introducing her to his family in a way that seems to be saying ‘meet my new girlfriend’, he’s not telling anyone the truth about her which suggests that there has to be more to the friendship than just being a friend if it requires lying about. The Princess told him that no matter what he tells people, that she really is just a friend, that they get along well and laugh together (grrrr) everything he’s doing contradicts the words he’s using. I think she told him too that it seems like he mustn’t have meant all the things he said about me – I love your mum so much, it’s killing me that this is happening, I want to kill myself – was a complete and utter load of bullshit. If that was all the case then how in fuck’s name has he managed to hook up with some girl in less than a month of not living with us all. I think it also bothers the girls that she’s 25 years old. Their dad is 37 years old. To them that is too much of an age gap, she’s closer in age to Miss Independent than she is to him.

As for me. I am ropeable. I am upset. I am jealous. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel like a fool. I feel like he’s been lying to me, that he’s just been waiting for the opportunity to find someone new. I feel confused. I can’t work out why the fuck he couldn’t ever be this way towards me. Why couldn’t he just care about me that much. Why are her problems so fucking important, why does he need to help her so much. Why when I had problems did he turn them around so they were all about how I was hurting him. Why did it seem like when I had real problems he thought they were stupid, that he was just showing me pity, not real, honest and genuine concern. Why can he do this with someone else so fucking easily. Just fucking why?

I spent my New Years Eve babysitting my granddaughter while Miss Independent went to an amazing concert and half that entire night I spent crying somewhere where nobody could see me. When we finally got home around 1am I spent the next hour in room sobbing, great big wracking sobs. I buried my face in my bed so the kids wouldn’t hear me and I just cried so fucking hard. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, I just ached so badly. When he first left I spent that first month feeling like I was constantly on the verge of tears. Since he left I’ve not slept through he night except for the very first night on my own. I wake up anywhere between two to five times a night. I’m always dreading but looking forward to The Husband texting or calling me. He thinks I’ve been jumping with happiness. I didn’t want to tell him how I was really feeling. I didn’t want him to know how much I was really hurting. I didn’t want to make him feel bad. It’s not that I haven’t been happy, I have but it’s not like the day he moved out I just suddenly became deliriously happy and didn’t care at all about him not being here anymore. I don’t love him the same way that I did, that is the truth but it’s not like I don’t love or care about him at all.

If it was me doing this, it would be a completely different story. He would be so angry, he’d be telling how unfair it is on the children, he’d probably tell me that he just knew I go out and slut around because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. He would be terrible. It’s okay for him though, it’s just fucking dandy.

It seems that I care/love him much more than I thought I did. I had considered the possibility of him finding someone else and I thought I would be fine with it all. I really did. I’m completely thrown by how I’m feeling. I wouldn’t have thought it for a single second. I’ve had people tell me that I should start looking for someone new and the thought just makes me go cold. I don’t want to. It would just be wrong. After being with The Husband for 20 years to them go and start looking for someone new within the space of a few months, it seems like it’s completely disrespecting that 20 years, disrespecting our children. It’s just wrong. I can’t work out how on earth he’s able to justify all this to himself. I think he’s been waiting a very long time for the opportunity to flirt with someone and then actually take it to the next level. Fuck, even just saying that makes my chest hurt and my stomach tighten. What the hell is wrong with me?