Emerald Yomi

Coming and Going

2012-01-24T15:44:00.001+10:30

That is exactly where I’m at right now, as of the last two days. I haven’t got a bloody clue what the hell is going on in my head at the moment. It’s driving me completely mental!

Since I last wrote, I’ve been on one of the biggest rollercoaster rides that I’ve ever been on emotionally. I thought some of the other stuff that I’ve felt in the past was pretty horrible, this has been a completely different set of emotions, one’s that I don’t think I’ve experienced before. For the first time in a long time I actually had a brief notion of taking enough sleeping pills to not wake up from. Not that I’ve got enough to do that, but I thought about going to the doctor, getting a new prescription and just going for it. I have to say, that scared the absolute hell out of me. Some days have been fine, I’ve gone through just doing what I’ve been doing for the last few months, no problem. Other days I’m a complete and total wreck. I’ve had a couple of total meltdowns, where I have absolutely cried my eyes out, I’ve screamed and yelled, stomped my feet, banged my fists on the door, I even made myself physically sick at one point. I’ve barely eaten in days, actually it’s probably been longer than that. I noticed the other day that I think I’ve lost too much weight. For me, to notice that is a big thing. I probably border on having anorexia thanks to my mother and when I think I’m looking too thin then I’m probably looking very very thin.

My kids are so sick of seeing me like this. They are actually angry at me for it. I don’t blame them really. I can’t shut up about it all. About The Husband (I’m going to have to come up with a new name) and Triple C. It’s bordering on an obsession in a way. I’ve been stalking her Facebook, at least four or five times a day. She’s blocked my account so I can’t even find her if I try and search (don’t know why though, I’ve not once contacted her, not in anyway at all) so I’ve been using a fake account to do it. I keep looking at her photo and wondering if she’s pretty than I am, she’s certainly taller, her hair is straight and he could run his fingers through it, which is something he always said he liked doing, mine you can’t. Is her body nicer than mine, I bet it is, she’s 25 and only had one child, I’m in my thirties and had four. That alone is enough to make me cry. I keep imagining the two of them together and it makes me sick. It physically hurts me. He is still claiming that they are just friends, nothing is going on. She’s updated her Facebook bio, “Who needs LOVE when you have an amazing FRIEND…” (yes the capitals are actually there) as if she’s trying to make sure that everyone knows they are just ‘friends’. Can you blame my children for wanting me to just shut the hell up? I want me to just shut the hell up. I wake up and promise myself that I won’t do it today, I won’t say anything and then something stupid happens to remind me or something and I can’t help it, I’m blabbing all over the place. It’s pathetic.

In the midst of all this, I’ve signed up to a couple of those stupid online dating sites. Not because I’m really looking for dates or whatever, I just need some friends so I can have something to do and that way I’m not sitting around my house all the time just constantly dwelling on things. I got a lot more responses than I anticipated. A lot more. I ended up thoroughly confused. There were guys who wanted to be friends, guys who immediately wanted to meet for ‘fun times’, there were girls who wanted me to catch up with them and their boyfriend/husband (which I don’t mind, to be honest and one of them I did…hehehe), there are young guys, like 23 and 25 year olds telling me how hot I am and how they want to hook up. They’re giving me their numbers and constantly messaging me on these sites about when we can catch up. It’s flattering, I have to say, some of these younger guys are hot! But really, wouldn’t it just be very wrong for me to sleep with a 25 year old? Seriously. I did meet up with one guy though and he was really nice. There weren’t any crude sexual innuendos exchanged at all. I’m still contemplating how I want to proceed with this person though, so for the moment, I’m just leaving it alone.

The other night, though, after my completely animalistic display of hurt and jealousy and who knows what else was going on in my head (turns out I’ve got a bruise on my hand now from bashing it on things) I went back on the dating site hoping to just chat to random people and hopefully take my mind off of how crap everything was. I decided to that I was going to get rid of all the idiots that were contacting me and trying to have some dirty talk marathon so they could wank. Not long before I was thinking of getting off a guy requested to contact me. I read his profile and I liked it. Most of the profiles were complete rubbish, his I liked. It said that he was studying at uni, he worked as a policeman, it seemed quite honest. So I accepted and continued chatting with the few other people I was talking too. Then he started talking to me, saying hi, how was my day. I didn’t tell him I’d had a completely crap day, I simply said it was okay. He immediately knew that something was wrong. I told him it was fine, no point getting into it, I mean really, who goes on a dating site to hear someone piss and moan about their life? Apparently he does. He kept asking me to tell him about it, so I did. I told him he’d want to run a mile in the other direction but he asked…He didn’t run and he didn’t go all weird. He told me about his separation from his wife seven years ago, he talked to me about all sorts of different things and by the end of it, I was so much happier I can’t even describe. I decided that I would give this guy my number. I don’t know why I felt okay doing it, I just did.

The next morning, he texted me and asked if I was okay and was I having a better day. Up until that point it had been okay but when I read that text I immediately started to smile. It was the sweetest thing that anyone has said to me in a while (except you Sb ). From there we spent pretty much the whole day just chatting away. In the afternoon he wanted to know if we could catch up for coffee. That isn’t easy for me to do in general but The Little Prince was going swimming and The Princess was at a friends place. Completely spare of the moment, I told him I’d meet him right now at our local shopping centre at a cafe. He agreed and I freaked out! I got there and hid in a store near the cafe until I was sure he was there and who he said he was, that it wasn’t some stupid prank. We spent an hour and a half just talking and laughing, it was brilliant. The conversation wasn’t stilted at all, it was nice. Since then, he’s been texting me everyday, I’ve only texted him a couple of times. Either he really does want to be friends, with maybe some extras or he’s just after the extras and is trying really hard to get them. I hope it’s the former.

It’s the only thing that has kept me happy the last few days. I’m so glad now that I got bored and upset enough to sign up there. I’d probably be tearing my hair out now if I hadn’t.

What Have I Done?

2012-01-01T11:05:00.001+10:30

I’m actually not sure what the hell has happened but the last three days or so have been complete hell. I woke up this morning and wondered if maybe I’m feeling a hundred times worse because I’m due to get my period soon, I’m just not sure but whatever it is, I’m feeling things that I never expected to feel in a million years and I don’t know what to do with it. I can’t squash it down like I’ve done so many times before, I can’t talk to anyone about them, I don’t have anyone, I can’t blurt it all over Facebook because that would just be stupid, I could write it in my Mood Journal (which it turns out I haven’t used in two years) but it’s not the same as sitting here, seeing the words appear almost as quickly as I think them. There is also the small possibility that someone will read this and maybe have a suggestion for me as to what the hell is going on with me.

If you’ve been reading the last few weeks/months, you’ll know that The Husband and I are no longer together. It was through my doing, I asked him to move out. He did, about three months ago. Things have improved dramatically since he’s been gone. The two youngest children are much happier, I do shopping every single week, things are getting paid properly, like The Little Prince’s school stuff for next year. At Christmas I was able to get them decent gifts without having to spend three or four months fighting and stressing about the entire thing. Miss Independent is able to come over much more than ever before, she isn’t waiting for her dad to say something mean or nasty or rude or disgusting, she isn’t waiting for the moment when he starts a fight with her. The Bean Pole has taken the entire thing particularly hard though it seemed recently as if things were improving for him, he seemed happier again and he was talking to me more and more, like he had done before they moved out.

Then I found out that he’d made a new ‘friend’. It turned out he’s had this friend a lot longer than he made it sound like he did when he initially told me about it. Triple C and he it turns out have been friends since fairly soon after he moved out. They exchanged phone numbers and agreed to catch up. Except for the fact that The Husband always looks like he’s flirting when he’s being friendly with other girls, I guess it was all above board at that point. Then she decided to split up with her boyfriend of 11 years who had apparently been abusing her both physically and verbally for most of that 11 years. Whether this is true or not I have no idea. Given that The Husband was abusive in the an emotional and possibly financial way for a good 15 years I find it rather ironic that he’s oh so very sympathetic with Triple C over her plight.

After this breakup, which had nothing to do with any feelings she or he might have had for one another apparently, she was scared to stay in her own home so she would go and stay at The Husbands house, in his bed, with the door open and The Bean Pole in another room feeling very angry, upset and I would guess betrayed by his father. The reason I was told about all this was because it turns out that Triple C’s ex-boyfriends family live very, very close to me. A few in my street, a few more in the houses directly behind me. The Little Prince was friends with one of their children. He was concerned that they might come around and cause some trouble for me and The Little Prince.

At first I wasn’t bothered by the situation. I was annoyed that he’d done something stupid that could potentially cause me and the children problems but other than that I didn’t think much of it. I don’t know why, it might have been because when he told me I had a person waiting in their car to see me and there was something else going on and I was completely distracted. I don’t think I really thought about it much until I saw The Bean Pole and he started to talk about the situation and about how bothered by it all he was, how he didn’t like her and didn’t want to get to know her at all, despite her buying him things and trying to be all friendly. He just wanted her to go away and he couldn’t understand why his dad would be doing this so soon after separating from his wife of 20 years, the woman who is his mother. Despite everything his dad was telling him, he didn’t believe that nothing was going on, that they were just friends. I think it all came to a head for The Bean Pole when she wanted the two of them to attend a bbq at Triple C’s family home, with her entire family, an apparently very important and intimate event that only those considered family were invited to. The Bean Pole flatly refused to attend. There was nothing that was going to make him go, nothing. He ended up spending almost three days here, going home for one night and then coming back again, all to avoid having to be with his dad and more than likely Triple C.

After I heard this I started to get very annoyed. Then when I found out that The Husband had taken her to meet his mother and step father on more than one occasion, that it seems like whenever The Bean Pole is here with me The Husband is off spending his time with her and now that it turns out that on Christmas Day, he spent a significant amount of time with her rather than taking time to spend some of the day with his children, I’ve become beyond angry. He’s lying about all this stuff too. The kids have asked him, I asked him what he did Christmas Day and he said fishing, that was it. He tells The Princess last night that he spent some of it with her too. He told her this when he took her for a drive last night to talk to her about his new ‘friend’, about how maybe she’d like to meet her. Needless to say The Princess said she doesn’t want to met her, she doesn’t ever want to meet and she doesn’t like her, well not her personally, but what she’s doing.

He’s told me she makes him happy, she makes him smile, they are just friends. He has me in his phone as ‘the stone cold bitch’ or something similar and he’s got her listed as something along the lines of ‘sweet thing who makes me smile and happy’ or some other fucking shit. He’s not sleeping with this girl though. While The Bean Pole was with me, he thought it would be a good idea to take her to spend the evening at his mother’s house, while she was completely drunk and making a total fool of herself. But he’s not sleeping with her. He’s got her sleeping in his bed, according to him, one of them is above the blankets and the door is open. But he’s not sleeping with her. She spends most of a day sitting on his bed with him, while he sleeps. He’s not sleeping with her though. She’s desperately trying to make friends with The Bean Pole and The Husband it would now appear wants the other children to make friends with her too. Though none of this is because he’s sleeping with her. He’s heard her telling her father that she’s hoping for something more and it doesn’t look like he’s told her that isn’t going to happen, in fact he told The Princess that maybe something will happen, he’s not sure. But he’s not fucking sleeping with her.

The Princess told him last night, during their ‘chat’ that everything he’s doing suggests that he’s hanging out with a girlfriend, that’s he’s introducing her to his family in a way that seems to be saying ‘meet my new girlfriend’, he’s not telling anyone the truth about her which suggests that there has to be more to the friendship than just being a friend if it requires lying about. The Princess told him that no matter what he tells people, that she really is just a friend, that they get along well and laugh together (grrrr) everything he’s doing contradicts the words he’s using. I think she told him too that it seems like he mustn’t have meant all the things he said about me – I love your mum so much, it’s killing me that this is happening, I want to kill myself – was a complete and utter load of bullshit. If that was all the case then how in fuck’s name has he managed to hook up with some girl in less than a month of not living with us all. I think it also bothers the girls that she’s 25 years old. Their dad is 37 years old. To them that is too much of an age gap, she’s closer in age to Miss Independent than she is to him.

As for me. I am ropeable. I am upset. I am jealous. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. I feel like a fool. I feel like he’s been lying to me, that he’s just been waiting for the opportunity to find someone new. I feel confused. I can’t work out why the fuck he couldn’t ever be this way towards me. Why couldn’t he just care about me that much. Why are her problems so fucking important, why does he need to help her so much. Why when I had problems did he turn them around so they were all about how I was hurting him. Why did it seem like when I had real problems he thought they were stupid, that he was just showing me pity, not real, honest and genuine concern. Why can he do this with someone else so fucking easily. Just fucking why?

I spent my New Years Eve babysitting my granddaughter while Miss Independent went to an amazing concert and half that entire night I spent crying somewhere where nobody could see me. When we finally got home around 1am I spent the next hour in room sobbing, great big wracking sobs. I buried my face in my bed so the kids wouldn’t hear me and I just cried so fucking hard. My stomach hurt, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, I just ached so badly. When he first left I spent that first month feeling like I was constantly on the verge of tears. Since he left I’ve not slept through he night except for the very first night on my own. I wake up anywhere between two to five times a night. I’m always dreading but looking forward to The Husband texting or calling me. He thinks I’ve been jumping with happiness. I didn’t want to tell him how I was really feeling. I didn’t want him to know how much I was really hurting. I didn’t want to make him feel bad. It’s not that I haven’t been happy, I have but it’s not like the day he moved out I just suddenly became deliriously happy and didn’t care at all about him not being here anymore. I don’t love him the same way that I did, that is the truth but it’s not like I don’t love or care about him at all.

If it was me doing this, it would be a completely different story. He would be so angry, he’d be telling how unfair it is on the children, he’d probably tell me that he just knew I go out and slut around because that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. He would be terrible. It’s okay for him though, it’s just fucking dandy.

It seems that I care/love him much more than I thought I did. I had considered the possibility of him finding someone else and I thought I would be fine with it all. I really did. I’m completely thrown by how I’m feeling. I wouldn’t have thought it for a single second. I’ve had people tell me that I should start looking for someone new and the thought just makes me go cold. I don’t want to. It would just be wrong. After being with The Husband for 20 years to them go and start looking for someone new within the space of a few months, it seems like it’s completely disrespecting that 20 years, disrespecting our children. It’s just wrong. I can’t work out how on earth he’s able to justify all this to himself. I think he’s been waiting a very long time for the opportunity to flirt with someone and then actually take it to the next level. Fuck, even just saying that makes my chest hurt and my stomach tighten. What the hell is wrong with me?

Friday Fill-In’s (31/12/2011)

2011-12-31T11:42:00.001+10:30

1. Wait, wait I don’t understand what’s happening, you say one thing but your doing another.

2. Apparently if I was doing the exact same thing, it is a little different.

3. In addition, I would like you to get rid of her. I would like to know that your sad and that you miss me/us just like I miss you. It’s what I wanted, sure, but it doesn’t mean for a single second that it doesn’t hurt.

4. Swearing way too much is the way we do it here!

5. At the end of the year, I like to think of all the things I could be doing, would like to do, wish I could do but end up doing none of.

6. Being completely over things is one of the things I'm looking forward to in 2012.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing absolutely nothing, tomorrow my plans include babysitting my granddaughter and feeling sorry for myself because the first new years eve in 20 years that I’ll spending alone is going to be spent babysitting while I think about The Husband and whether he’s out having a great time, with his new ‘friend’ and wondering why the fuck we couldn’t have done stuff new years instead of always sitting at home or watching fireworks from a car park because he didn’t want to do anything, ever and Sunday, I want to crawl into a whole and die!

Friday Fill-In’s

Examination

2011-12-27T16:57:00.001+10:30

Things have been fairly quiet lately.

Actually, they’ve been very quiet.

Once the issue with what The Husband felt he was ‘entitled’ to was sorted out – me telling him what was going to happen, regardless of what he thought – things have been running quite smoothly.

We’re all back volunteering with the organisation we helped to develop last year. It’s now running ‘for real’, it’s not just a test anymore. It’s actually very exciting. I think I’m going to enjoy it a lot more this time because I won’t have the stress of what is going on in my own personal life to worry about, I’ll be able to focus a bit better on the family I’m trying to help.

Having things be so quiet has been a little disconcerting for me. Having The Husband loose his shit at least once a week at me has become something that I’ve gotten used to, that I expect. It’s certainly not something that I wasn’t anticipating when I asked him to move out.

The quiet though…I’ve been waiting for something big to happen. For him to come out with something that he has been saving up, something not before mentioned, which he can throw in my face and make me look like a total fool and feel like a complete idiot.

It hasn’t happened though (touch wood).

Yesterday I think I may have found out why.

He came to pick up The Bean Pole who had decided for the first time to spend two nights in a row at our house. It was amazing! I loved having him home again. I’ve really missed his humour and his intelligence. I haven’t missed the way that he manages to set off The Little Prince like a fire cracker in a matter of minutes and I’m left having to try and calm him down, that I could do without completely.

While The Bean Pole is getting his things together, The Husband asks me how he’s been, if he’s alright, if he’s said anything to me. I’m wondering what the hell he’s on about, why would he not be fine? What on earth could he possibly have to say to me that either of us should be concerned about?

The Bean Pole is concerned because it would appear that his father has developed a more personal relationship with a woman whom he’s known for a while now from her having worked in our local supermarket and he being the sort of person who will talk to anyone, especially women.

It would seem that this woman, let’s call her The Check Out Chick or Triple C for short (can someone please remember that for me because I’ll probably forget), has recently broken up with her long time boyfriend and his family (I’m pretty sure it’s his family) are of the opinion that The Husband had something to do with that break-up.

Apparently, she is quite upset by the entire situation and The Husband has been a great friend to her and her child during their difficult time. In fact, she’s very concerned that her ex-boyfriend is going to do something terrible, like smash her windows and frighten her and her child, so due to this fear, she’s been ringing The Husband and asking to stay at his house.

The Husband is currently living with his brother (a weed smoking, bullshiting dero) and a guy called Dumbo (not his real name and also a weed smoking dero, he doesn’t bullshit like the Brother does though). Both of these poor excuses for human beings are creepy to say the least. Being around them is not a comfortable experience for a woman. Triple C, needless to say is not comfortable staying there but not uncomfortable enough to just not do it. The Husbands brilliant solution to this obviously difficult problem is for her to sleep in his bed. The door stays open so that nobody thinks anything is going on though. I don’t know whether they both sleep under the quilt or one sleeps on top, though it doesn’t really matter does it.

There are two potential problems for The Husband and Triple C in their budding friendship. The first is the ex-boyfriends family, like I mentioned. They are not happy and when they aren’t happy people often end up hurt. Some of these relatives live around the corner from me. Actually, a whole bunch of these relatives live around here. In fact, The Little Prince has developed a friendship with one of the children of these people. This could present some problems for me and my son though I’m fairly confident that nothing will happen in that area.

The second problem is that The Bean Pole is apparently very unhappy with this new friendship. He doesn’t like her staying over and I don’t think he likes his dad having anything to do with her. I’m not even sure if he likes her personally. His not liking her has caused an offshoot problem.

Boxing Day. The Husband has been invited to attend their family BBQ. According to him this is a big deal because it’s very rare that anyone who isn’t family gets invited and an invitation is seen as a token of acceptance. It’s incredibly important. I gather that The Husband want’s to attend, The Bean Pole however does not. He seriously does not want to go. I offered to have him spend the day here if The Husband really wanted to go. No, The Husband says that he needs to understand that there are things in life that he might not want to do but that he’s just going to have to do.

Why he told me all this I have no idea, now that I think about it. He didn’t want me to have The Bean Pole here and there isn’t anything I can do about the family that has developed a grudge against him. I think he was trying to claim that it was to warn me to be careful when it comes to the family around the corner, with their son being all friendly with our son. I honestly can’t see their being a problem their though. About the most they would probably do is stop their son playing with our son. They certainly aren’t going to bash the hell out of an 11 year old.

There was no need for me to know any of this.

I thought about it all quite deeply after he left. I’ve been thinking about it off an on since he told me Wednesday afternoon. I’ve been wondering what feelings I should be having and where they are. I don’t feel jealous. I’m not angry per se. I’m not upset. I don’t feel overly sad.

What I do feel is empty. I feel like I should be jealous. Like I should be angry and upset.

I’m angry that he’s such a fucking hypocrite. He has been giving me untold grief since May that I’ve ruined his life, I’ve torn his heart out and shit all over it (his words, not mine), that I’ve broken our family, that he loves me more than anything, that his entire life is devoted to me and the children, he’s never loved anyone so completely as me etc. etc. Yet, within the space of three months he’s already developed what appears to be an incredibly close relationship with Triple C.

I can’t say with any authority that anything intimate is taking place between them and frankly I don’t care. The point is the friendship is far enough along that he’s sharing his bed with her. He’s had friends of the opposite sex like this before. Maybe not necessarily sharing the bed (except for Cherry, whom we both slept with) but close friendships nonetheless. I’ve always been fairly tolerant of them. The older I got the less angry and jealous I got. I felt that he was entitled to be friends with whomever he chose. As long as that friendship didn’t have an overly negative impact on the rest of the family then I didn’t mind. Unfortunately his compass doesn’t work very well and he rarely notices when his actions are having a detrimental effect on anyone else. If I were to have a guy with whom I was close friends with right now, he would completely freak out. Miss Independent told a woman, who mentioned that she thinks I will have found my ‘Mr Right’ by this time next year, that it wouldn’t be possible for that to happen, her dad would kill him. When this woman laughed, she said, “No, I’m being serious, he will kill him.” She’s right, he’s told me that, he’s told the children that and given his unpredictable nature, I can’t say with any certainty that he won’t. He’s a hypocrite, a complete and total fucking hypocrite.

I’m sad that I don’t feel any of the emotions that I thought, despite all my protestations otherwise, that I would feel. Jealousy, regret, disappointment. I don’t feel any of those. I sat on the end of my bed tonight and I thought of all the years that we were together, our children, how much I loved him and now, he’s talking about another woman only three months after leaving our home and I feel nothing. I feel sad that I don’t feel sad.

You know what I do think about though, this is pathetic but it’s the truth…I wonder if she’s better looking than I am. Does she have better hair, is her face freckle free, does she have a better body, one without that bit of extra skin from having four children and four caesarean sections, are her boobs full and perky unlike mine which have sustained four children somewhere in the order of five or six years total, his voice light and clear, does she smile and laugh like I hadn’t around him for such a long time, can she make him smile and laugh, genuine smiles and genuine laughter, like I don’t think he’s done for a long time, is she or is she going to sleep with him, love him in a way that I’ve not for a while or possibly ever. That’s what I’ve been thinking about, that is what is truly bothering me. The fact that those things bother me bothers me because it doesn’t bother me because I’m jealous or I care, it’s purely selfish. I don’t want him to have better, I want him to always remember what he had and how he lost it. How he took it for granted. I want him to always compare every other woman to me and to always find them wanting.

And after 24 hours of careful examination, of just letting my feelings flow and then pulling them out to study each one on it’s own merit, putting it back in and looking at them all in their entirety, I’ve discovered that the overwhelming emotions I have are spite and selfishness. Twenty years and it’s reduced to this.

I hate saying , writing or thinking it, it actually makes me cringe but it would appear that the right decision has been made.

Wordless Wednesday #12

2011-12-21T22:05:00.001+10:30

This is a very rare occurrence for me – I’m actually posting pictures that I’ve taken, not downloaded one’s from the Interwebz. I’m going to try and do this more often from now on. I won’t be including anything that is personally identifying but I’ll try and make them my own pictures.

The first is the lamp in my room. I love my lamps, I’d wanted one’s just like it for a very long time.

The second, is pretty self-explanatory I think.

Wordless Wednesday

Friday Fill-In’s (16/12/2011)

2011-12-17T01:13:00.001+10:30

1. Sleigh bells ring in almost every Christmas song their is and while I might not like the song, I do like the sound of the bells.

2. It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down trees so people can cover them in sparkly rubbish, string lights around them, plonk a star on top, wait a month (or longer if your lazy like me), pull all the sparkly crap, the lights and the star off, put it all untangled into a bag in order to untangle them next year and then take that once beautiful tree and ditch it.

3. You're a mean one. I’m not sure there is anything of importance that I can add to that statement.

4. Father Christmas is probably the greatest marketing campaign ever created.

5. A Silent night is almost impossible without the threat of Father Christmas not turning up (for the young one’s) and the presents being given away/thrown out for the older one’s.

6. All I want for Christmas is the kids to be happy and for the day to end without any major drama!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to doing exactly what I’m doing right now – sitting in my bed, with my computer, perusing various websites and actually getting to write a post for a change, tomorrow my plans include doing the housework first thing in the morning, then waiting for My Family (not my ‘real’ family but the one I’ve been chosen to help [it’s a long story which I can’t explain here because it would take you all of about two minutes to figure out who I was]) to call or text so that, if it’s not raining, we can take her little one to one of the parks near me and hopefully just have a chat and Sunday, I want to not go on the fruit picking thing we’ve been invited on because it looks like it’s going to be cold and raining and I don’t fancy traipsing through a field picking fruit, getting covered in the juice of said fruit and possibly dragging myself through mud soaked fields! I would much, much prefer to be at home on the computer playing The Sims 3 (which I’m just a little bit obsessed with lately), reading, sleeping and/or just generally being a complete dag in my own house wearing my pyjamas!

Friday Fill-In’s
Go check it out and fill-in your own Friday.

Wordless Wednesday #11

2011-12-15T23:55:00.001+10:30

You should be able to click ‘em to big ‘em, though it’s been a while since I did a post and I’m not sure if I remember how its done…

1. A phrase that aptly describes my feelings when The Husband would tell me about how I had ruined his life and broken our family.
2. One of my most favourite activities to do now. Most people hate grocery shopping, personally, I love it.
3. Represents a moment about a week ago when I felt as if I was having a religion pushed upon myself and my family when I had been led to believe I was taking them to a non-religious community event.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday (on Friday) #10

2011-11-18T09:56:00.001+10:30

I took this image myself and it represents a few different things,
some very basic, some a little more deep.

Heat, cool, family, tranquil, looking towards the future,
brightness, contentment, comfortable…

Wordless Wednesday

Sunday Stealing: The Madness Meme Part 1 & 2

2011-11-14T11:10:00.001+10:30

Warning: This post is very, very long.

I had planned on doing the Friday Fill-In’s but when I went to load the page I discovered that The Princess had used all the internet credit we had. I can’t even tell you how pissed off I was. I’d only bought it the week before and she’d managed, in one night with her friend, to use just under 2gig. I didn’t anymore credit until Sunday and the kids had homework so this is the first opportunity I’ve had to get on the computer myself.

I was just looking around at different meme’s that are out there and while I’d been to Sunday Stealing before, I’d never stopped there very long. This time I decided to have a proper look. I haven’t read all the questions that are listed, but the few I did read, I thought were interesting, so I decided to have a go at it myself. Given that this meme is in two parts, I thought I’d do both in one hit. It doesn’t seem right to do only half the job.

So grab a drink and maybe even a back-up drink and something to nibble on and read through my madness…

Part 1

1. Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
Nope, can’t say that I have. I’ve breathed on it heavily though.

2. What’s the largest age difference between yourself and someone you’ve dated?
Hmm…I think it would be about 5 or 6 years.

3. Ever been in a car wreck?
Only a small one when I was around 7 or 8 years old. It was just one of those one’s where someone stops suddenly and everyone behind them is driving too close so they all bang into each other.

4. Were you popular in high school?
Stupidly enough, I’ve wondered about this a few times over the years. I would have said yes at one stage but now, I’m not so sure. I’m not sure what it is that defines being popular in high school.

5. Have you ever been on a blind date?
Nope, never.

6. Are looks important?
To a degree, yes. It’s not necessarily right, or fair, but the fact is if you don’t find someone physically attractive, even in a small way then your not going to be interested in getting to know them better in a romantic way. If your talking about people in general, people who are just friends, or potential friends, then nope, doesn’t matter in the slightest. I had a friend, many years ago, who was incredibly overweight. I had a few people, included The Husband, ask me why on earth I’d want to be friends with someone who was so fat. I don’t understand that point of view. If they are a nice person, if you have things in common, your moral and/or ethical views are similar, why should it matter if they are big or small, have pimples or don’t, are black or white?

7. Do you have any friends that you’ve known for 10 years or more?
Yes, just the one and would only just be over 10 years that I’ve known her. She’s my neighbour and is twice my age, she drives me up the wall at times, her foster daughter just makes me angry more often than not but she’s probably the closest friend I have who isn’t a relative and who I can physically go and visit.

8. By what age would you like to be married?
LOL…I was married for 14 years. Technically I’m still married. I didn’t have any age picked out when I was younger though. I don’t think I thought a great deal about getting married. I think I just liked the idea of getting to get all dressed up.

9. Does the number of people a person’s slept with affect your view of them?
No, I don’t think so, not in general.

10. Have you ever made a mistake?
No, I’m bloody perfect. Seriously, what sort of question is that? Is there anyone alive that hasn’t made a mistake?

11. Are you a good tipper?
Nope. We don’t tip here. They might do in other states, or maybe people of a higher income bracket, who dine in more expensive venues do, but in general, in my state, we don’t tip.

12. What’s the most you have spent for a haircut?
Around $150AUD. That was to get it cut, coloured and highlights done. My hair was very long at the time too, just above my bum when it was straight. We knew the hairdresser and I think she gave it to me cheaper, so I’d hate to think what it would have cost otherwise. I looked into having my hair chemically straightened and that would cost around $500AUD to get done.

13. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Yeah, I think so. He wasn’t particularly good looking, he was just different. We called him by his first name and he dressed much more casually than the other teachers. He also seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. I think it was just a combination of those things that made me like having him as a teacher more than anyone else.

14. Have you ever peed in public?
Depends of your definition of public. When I was a kid and we’d go on trips, if there weren’t any toilets around, we’d have to jump out, climb the nearest fence or find a large tree or bush and squat down behind that. If that counts as public, then yes, I have peed in public.

15. What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don’t care. At this point, I just don’t give a shit. Maybe when I’m older, or closer to death, I’ll suddenly get the urge to micro manage my funeral but in general, I’ve never cared. I won’t be here and chances are there won’t be many people other than my children, whoever they end up with and their children.

16. Would you tell your parents if you were gay?
Sure, why not. There is only my mother and it wouldn’t bother her in the slightest. She doesn’t care what I do now that I’m an adult as long as I’m happy.

17. What would your last meal be before getting executed?
I’d borrow a coin and then have a toss up between either one of my favourite pasta dishes or a roast lamb or beef with a ton of veggies, like a potato bake, baked potato’s, cheesy cauliflower and broccoli, peas, corn, carrots, oh and roast pumpkin…

18. Beatles or Stones?
That’s a tough one. I think maybe the Stone’s by a fraction.

19. If you had to pick one person on earth to die, who would it be?
Wow. I can’t think of anyone in particular. I’m not an overly hateful person. There are very few people I truly hate.

20. Beer, wine or hard liquor?
Hard liquor, then wine if the former is unavailable. Having said that though, I’m not actually a big drinker. I think the last time I got drunk (not falling down, blackout drunk) was last year, around Christmas/New Year.

21. Do you have any phobias?
Definitely. Spiders and needles, just off the top of my head.

22. What are your plans for the future?
Duh! Breaking my family wasn’t done for shits and giggles! I’m going to go to uni, I’m going to get some part-time work at least. I’m going to continue my volunteer work. I’m going to ever so slowly get all the things I’ve always wanted to get for the kids and the house. That’s just to start with.

Part 2

23. Do you ever walk around the house naked?
Nope, never. I might walk around in my underwear, but I try and avoid anyone seeing me naked if I can. I’m incredibly self-conscious.

24. If you were an animal what would you be? Why?
I’ve been watching David Attenborough’s Frozen Planet lately and I’m loving the Emperor Penguins. So I might pick them. Not for any specific reason other than the fact they are so unique in their behaviours and they are incredibly striking to look at.

25. Hair colour you like on someone you’re dating?
Who cares? Seriously, as long they aren’t that horrible looking bald, you know where they’re trying to do a comb over or some other equally horrid method of baldness hiding, then I’m really not fussed.

26. If suffering an injury, would you rather be left blind or deaf?
Damm…that’s a hard one. I love music, so being deaf would be so difficult, not to mention the sound of my children’s voices. Having said that, if I was blind I could read properly or use a computer. I know there are brail books and I could probably live with that, but I’m not sure if there are any options in terms of computing for someone who is completely blind. So…I’m not sure I could pick one.

27. Do you have any special talents?
Not a one.

28. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
Check the rooms on my way to the kitchen to see if my dog has been wrecking anything, then head for the bench in the kitchen to put my handbag and keys down, then I probably head to the fridge to get a drink.

29. Do you like horror or comedy?
Horror, most definitely. Though in recent years, it seems many of what are meant to be horror films are actually quite comedic. I really like Japanese horror films, like The Ring or Dark Water.

30. Are you missing anyone?
My oldest son, The Bean Pole. He left when The Husband did and while I still see him quite a bit, I still miss him around the house. He’s gotten so funny as he’s gotten further into teenagehood. I don’t miss him and my youngest son fighting though. The Bean Pole would just torment the hell out of him.

31. Where do you want to live when you are old?
A really old house in the country somewhere maybe. A place where I could have some horses, though why I’d want them then, when I couldn’t ride them, I don’t know. A place with fireplaces and room for lots and lots of bookshelves and somewhere amazingly comfortable to read. Oh and somewhere that I could turn my music as loud as I wanted without fear of annoying anyone.

32. Who is the person you can count on the most?
Me I guess. There are other people I can count on, sure, but there isn’t anyone who I would absolutely 100% count on. I’m just not built that way. I don’t rely on anyone to provide me with anything. I might ask for help sometimes, but I certainly don’t rely on them to provide it.

33. If you could date any celebrity past or present, who would it be?
I’d go on a date with both Brad Pitt and his gorgeous wife Angelina Jolie. Hell, I date them both at the same time. They are so damm gorgeous! Plus, I think they would both be quite intelligent, so I’d be able to converse with them on a deeper level.

34. What did you dream last night?
In general I don’t recall my dreams, ever. Since The Husband left though, I’ve been remembering my dreams so much more. So, normally I wouldn’t be able to answer this question, but today, I can provide you with an answer! Last night, I dreamt that I had an argument with that neighbour friend of mine that mentioned earlier. She made a comment that my youngest son doesn’t know when to walk away from stupid children as well as her daughter does and I got so angry! I made some smart ass comment back to her, I don’t remember what it was, but I remember seeing her face through the car window (why she was in a car I don’t know) and she looked incredibly shocked that I said such a thing. I just smirked and walked away to go and get my boy. No idea what it all means, I haven’t looked up the meanings of my dreams in quite some time.

35. What is your favourite sport to watch?
I don’t have a favourite. I like watching AFL, ODI Cricket, Twenty20 Cricket and pretty much any sport that is a little different.

36. Are you named after anyone?
Nope, nobody. Though my middle name is because it’s the name of a saint and when I was born, they thought I was going to die so I needed to be baptised (catholic) quickly and that was the first one I think that my mother could think of.

37. What is your favourite alcoholic drink?
Vodka mixed with pretty much anything but not cola drinks, that’s just gross! Not sure if they have them elsewhere in the world (though they probably have a similar version) but we have these pre-mixed drinks call Cruisers that are really yummy and easy to drink. They’re expensive though, as far as I’m concerned anyway, so I very rarely get them.

38. Non alcoholic drink?
It would be a toss up between Coke and tea.

39. Have you ever been in love?
Sure, haven’t most adults? I did love The Husband for most of our time together. It was only in the last few years that it started to wane until it disappeared all together.

40. Do you sing in the shower?
If I’ve got my iPhone plugged into my little speakers by the bathroom door, though I hardly every do that anymore. Having music cranking at around 6am is not usually a good idea.

41. Have you ever been arrested?
Not once. Ever. I was too good to get caught.

42. What is your favourite Holiday?
I don’t have one. I’ve very rarely gone on a holiday. I’ve gone to a few different places but I was a child then. Going to the snow once was pretty cool. I’d love to take the kids somewhere though. Somewhere we can all enjoy.

43. Would you ever get plastic surgery?
I seriously doubt it. I hate the thought of surgery even when it’s necessary, let alone getting something done voluntarily. I have considered getting a tummy tuck though. Here, if you’ve had more than three caesarean sections (I think that’s the number) you can get a tummy tuck that is covered by Medicare, so it’s free! My tummy is the one thing that no matter how much exercise I did, I wouldn’t be able to get rid of some of it. It’s from carrying four children and being stretched beyond all endurance, it doesn’t always leave things as lovely as one would like. I’m not saying I look hideous, it’s just not what I like looking at. Nobody can tell when I’m clothed, but I know it’s there and that’s enough for me.

44. Have you ever caught a fish?
Absolutely. Nothing fancy, just carp mainly. I don’t like fishing all that much though. I don’t like the smell and I don’t like the sliminess of it all. I’ll hold the rod and sit there but I won’t put the bait on or get the fish off if I catch one. Ridiculous I know but it is what it is.

~*~*~*~

Wow. I’m done! That took a lot longer than I thought. If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal or at the minimum a really big cyber hug from me. {{hug}}

If your interested in doing your own,or any other meme,
then check out Sunday Stealing.

Wordless Wednesday (on Thursday) #9

2011-11-10T10:37:00.001+10:30

Click them to see them in their native habitat.
To play along, visit Wordless Wednesday.

Almost A Month

2011-11-04T20:16:00.001+10:30

I’m almost at my third week of being a separated woman. Of being the one to kick my husband out and have my oldest son go with him. Of taking care of my two youngest on my own. Of running this house on my own. Of just generally being on my own.

I won’t say that it hasn’t been nice in many ways. It has. I do feel guilty saying that though. It just feels wrong to admit that kicking my husband out after 20 years makes me happy. There have been some definite positives from it though and I can’t lie about that. The headaches I have suffered from on an almost daily basis for a very long time now have virtually disappeared. Expect for the odd day here and there, where He has come back and created some kind of hell for us all, they’ve gone. I’ll still get the migraines though, of that I’m certain but that constant ache in my head all of the time has mostly gone. My youngest son (I can’t think what special name I gave him right now) is so much calmer and happier, it’s really lovely to watch. There isn’t nearly as much arguing or yelling between us all. The Princess is much happier too. She sits with us in the lounge now and she hasn’t done that in such a long time.

There has been some feelings and emotions that have surprised me though. The first night I slept fine. I woke up feeling pretty happy about being in my bed on my own. I didn’t have a headache and I was looking forward to my day and to getting into bed that night. When I did get into bed though, I fell asleep fine but I couldn’t stay asleep. I kept waking up every few hours. I would lift my head, look at the clock, see the time, groan and then go back to sleep to do it all again in another couple of hours. This hasn’t stopped. I do it every single night. The other thing is that I’ve been incredibly emotional, just crying at the drop of a hat then suddenly getting amazingly angry, and just raging about the house in general. I hate it. The last few days haven’t been too bad overall but it’s still there, bubbling under the surface. Every time someone says something nice to me, or I see something sad or ‘happy family’ like on television, I either just want to start crying or screaming.

I’m not going to complain about any of it though. I’m simply sharing what is going on. I don’t see the sense in complaining about it. This is what I wanted. I wanted my husband to move out, I wanted to be alone, I wanted all of this, so if I’m getting some kick back emotional shit from it all then I’m just going to have to cop it sweet I think. I’ve had a couple of people try to offer me sympathy but I don’t want it. I’ve told them, I asked him to leave, I wanted this, so whatever is going on with me now that he’s gone is of no relevance or importance. It’s what I wanted. End of story.

3 days later…
I thought about this some more over the last few days and you know the biggest thing to come out of him leaving? Doing grocery shopping. Actually going to the supermarket, with enough money, then buying what we need to get through the week, sometimes even buying extra stuff that we’d all just like but don’t necessarily need. I can’t even describe to you what an amazing feeling that is. I open my cupboards and my fridge and they aren’t just filled with stuff that I haven’t wanted to throw out because then the cupboards would entirely empty, they are filled with food that we can eat and that I can make things with. There are snacks for the kids and things for their recess and lunch at school everyday. In the fridge there is fruit and vegetables. Not a massive range of fruit and veg, but it’s there. There are drinks for the kids to take to school and juice for them to have in the morning. There are even ice blocks in the freezer! I’ve got bags of frozen veggies too!

Coming and going as I please for as long as I please and with whom I please. Wow, that is so nice! I can go and visit my neighbour without wondering when he’s going to call/text/send children up to see me. Actually, that isn’t entirely true, there have been a couple of occasions when he’s called or texted while I’ve been at the neighbours and it’s because he claims he needs me for something. Still, when Miss Independent rocks up, in her car, (she has her licence now!) I can just grab my bag, my phone and my keys and walk out the front door. I don’t need to explain where I’m going, with who, how long I’ll be, why I’m going or end up having an hour long argument about it. I just go.

Having said all that, it doesn’t mean there aren’t days where I wake up and think to myself, “I broke my family” and then proceed to feel incredibly guilty about it all. I wonder what damage have I done to the two younger kids, even to The Bean Pole at 15. Have I ruined their lives? Is Dr. Phil right when he implies that splitting up a family is the worst thing in the world that you can do to a child? Are they going to hate me one day? Are they all going to turn on me and I’ll end up old and alone? There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder about that.

Time will tell I suppose. For the moment, all I can really do is take one hour at a time and just hope that I make it to the next one without causing too much damage along the way.

Now!

2011-09-11T13:35:00.001+09:30

Why can’t everything just happen that way? Not later, not when you work really hard to get there, not when you pray (if your so inclined, which I’m not, in the traditional sense) for it, beg for it, plead for it, make everyone around you unhappy for it? Just now. Immediately. All the wonderful, amazing, brilliant, special things that you want to happen in your life, just do that, happen, right this second? I’m sighing with the thought of how perfect this would be.

Of course, I’m not a complete moron, I know full well that things just don’t work that way. I know that there is going to be a whole ton of shit that I’m going to have to wade through, make my children wade through before I even get a glimpse of the perceived happiness that I feel some small part of me deserves. I would just love if I could skip all the wading and get to the good bits you know?

Again, not a total moron, I know that wading through the rubbish is what makes us who we are. It makes us all become the exact person we are meant to be and I like that concept. I explained this idea to the Bean Pole just a couple of weeks ago, how even though there are things in life that we might wish we hadn’t done or have happen, all those things come together and make us the person we are and the person we become. So even though I managed to screw up my choice of husband, there are countless things that I can be glad of for having made that choice. The person I am right now, the good and the bad parts are due in part to that choice. So I know I’m going to have to crawl through the crap to get to the rainbow, I just wish I didn’t have to confront a whole bunch of things I don’t want to confront in order to get there, hence the wish that it could all just happen now.

I received some pretty amazing advice recently and I’m desperately trying to follow through with it, though I seem to be failing more often than not. Another reason I’d like it all now, not later. The advice was to try and stop going against what I want, not in a minor way, like I would prefer chocolate over vanilla ice-cream, but in big ways, like, I don’t want to be in a relationship with The Husband anymore. Like, when he tells me he wants to sleep with me and I tell him no, I don’t want to, I shouldn’t feel bad about it anymore, I shouldn’t just cave in because I don’t want to upset him. This may sound completely ridiculous but doing things like that is incredibly hard for me. Especially when it comes to The Husband.

He goes out of his way to make me feel terrible for it. He’ll ask things of me that he knows, given that I’ve told him our relationship is over, I won’t want to do. It’s like he’s doing it to see what my reaction will be. When I do say no, he gets so angry at me. He tells me how lucky I must be to just have the ability to say no, to not do something I don’t want to. How I don’t care how that makes him feel. I want to scream at him that I don’t fucking care, that’s the point! I’m over caring. I’m so over it all that I’m starting to loose sight of when I was ever under it all!

Of all the people in the world, he’s the one that I have the hardest time just thinking of how I feel and rather than ignoring that, going with it. Being comfortable with it. The fact that he is still living in this house is a testament to how uncomfortable I am with doing the hard things, with doing what I know is right for me. Getting him out of this house and away from me is right for me yet I’m just to scared to do it. To completely sever that tie. I gave him a time frame and then I let it pass. I did that. I knew he wouldn’t stick to it and he knew that I wouldn’t either because he knows, somewhere, deep down, that I’m frightened. That makes me sick just saying that. I get so incredibly angry with myself every time I think of it. And I think of it a lot.

Adding to all this is the fact that I feel like I’m falling into another of my black holes. I’m lacking all motivation to do anything, even the most basic of tasks. I don’t want to leave the house, the though of it just makes my chest tighten. It’s pathetic really. With him still here I find it so difficult to move forward. Every time I try and do things, he’s still there complaining, arguing, telling me I shouldn’t, that I can’t, that it’s not fair. Then I have to tell myself that he’s still able to do those things because I don’t have the guts to throw him out. That I don’t have the guts to tell him again that I want him out. I don’t have the guts to call the police and have him removed. I know that it’s going to come to that. I’m going to have to call the police and it’s going to be so ugly and scary and the Bean Pole is going to hate me for it. That boy is so attached to his Dad and anything I do that truly hurts him is like hurting the Bean Pole too. Now that I something I just know if I can bare ever doing. I keep telling myself that I’d rather live like I am now than do anything that will hurt the Bean Pole and stay with him for the rest of his life and potentially effect the relationship that we’ve developed in the past couple of years. That could just be me trying to find a way out of having to wade through that shit though, I just don’t know.

So you see how much simpler things would be if I just have it all now? Be in university doing the degree I want, maybe working so I can get the children the things they need, like decent food on the table and clothes that aren’t hand-me-downs, maybe even get them some of the things they want too. I could even have a license and a car and take the children out on the weekends to places further than walking distance. If I could just skip all the shit and get to that place now maybe I’d be truly happy for a change. Wouldn’t that be nice.

It’s Been A While

2011-08-04T13:45:00.001+09:30

Actually, it’s been a very long while. I’ve posted a couple of meme’s here and there but other than that. Nothing. I considered just getting rid of this blog all together but I can’t bring myself to do it. It’s actually been a really big part of me moving forward in my life. It’s been the only place that I truly express what I’m thinking. No modifications, no omissions. Just everything. Actually, that is one of the reasons why I haven’t posted anything in such a long time.

Like I said, this is a place where I come to be completely honest. Given that, when I was completely honest with myself, I realised that it was also a place I came to complain. Complain about everything, but predominantly The Husband. I also realised that I was doing a lot of complaining but not really doing a whole lot in terms of trying to fix the things that I was complaining about.

After seeing The Psych for a while, she made me realise that I couldn’t just keep talking about all the things that bothered me and not doing anything about them. I looked at my role in my marriage, how my allowing The Husband to do the things he does was simply giving him permission to continue doing them. That is what I worked on. The Husband is quite adamant in his belief that I have done nothing to try and fix our relationship, that he’s the one doing all the work. I’ve tried explaining to him that the work I needed to do was on myself. Stopping myself from playing his games. When he’s sulking around the house, making me feel like I’ve done something wrong but won’t tell me what it is, I’ve stopped walking around on egg shells and sending myself crazy trying to work out what his problem is, all the while with him sitting there just watching me getting worked up. When I want to go somewhere, spend time with my daughter (Miss Independent) for instance, when he gets angry about it and starts throwing out reasons why I shouldn’t, don’t need to or can’t, I can now just say ‘Okay’ to his reasons and then tell him I’m going anyway. Without the guilt. Without caving him and having to tell my daughter that I can’t go with her because Dad doesn’t want me to. There are a dozen more little scenarios I could describe but I think you get the point. Do you have any idea how hard getting myself to do all that was/is? It is quite possibly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’ve lived this way for 20 years. Having the ability to stand there, while he attempts to manipulate me or any given situation so that I will do or he will get what he wants and not caving in, actually standing up for myself, completely and totally, is the most amazing feeling. It sounds terribly, but I actually smile sometimes when he walks away after trying to manipulate me and it doesn’t work. When I watch him get so frustrated and angry because I won’t cave him. I smile to myself when he walk away.

A point came where I just knew we weren’t going to be able to fix things between us. I can’t look at him anymore without feeling overwhelming anger and resentment. I wanted to get on here and post about it, just let everything I was thinking and feeling out. I even sat down a few times and started writing it all out. Then I thought about why I hadn’t been posting and how I was just going to do the same thing I always do and that is sit down and write a big post complaining about The Husband and talking about all the things I want to do. Then I would hit ‘Publish’, get off the computer and continue along the same path I was currently on. So I deleted my half written posts and instead spent an inordinate amount of time getting the courage to tell The Husband that I didn’t believe we could fix our marriage and that I wanted him to move out.

It took me months to get it together. I was so frightened, you have no idea. He’d told the kids that if I ever left him that he would kill himself (he has a couple of guns and takes a large amount of valium, so it was a possibility), he’d told The Psych that the first thing he would do if I asked him to leave was smash my computer (he hates my computer, he thinks I spend too much time online), he’s told me in the past that he would take all the children from me (and once, when Miss Independent was only about 18 months old, he took her from me, waited until I got out of the car and just drove off with her), and on top of all that I just had this horrible feeling that he might hurt me. He’s never hurt me physically in the past but I just had this strange feeling that he might try and hurt me now. So, I spent a long time building up the courage to tell him and also trying to find a way to tell him where I would be safe at the same time. In end, I asked our Psych if I could tell him in her office. She agreed and so I did. I told him. I. Told. Him.

I can remember a few weeks after I told him he actually laughed at me, saying that I thought he was going to break my computer and completely loose it and how funny it was that we all thought that. I just stared at him incredulously, he was actually laughing. He thought it was funny that we were frightened of him, that I was frightened of him. Miss Independent was there at the time and she just looked at him and said, “Why wouldn’t we think that, you told us all that you would do something stupid.” He just smirked and walked away. He’s continued to do manipulative little things since I told him and each time he does it just confirms to me that I’ve made the right choice. As much as he continues to claim that he’s worked so hard in the last 18 months to change, he hasn’t really. Sure, I’ll be the first to admit that he’s made improvements in a number of different areas but, (there’s always a but) nothing he’s done is for the right reasons. I told him at the beginning, when we began seeing The Psych, that he needed to make the changes for himself first and foremost. He’s not done that. The only reason that he’s tried making any changes is so that I will stop doing what I’m doing. I’ll stop making things hard and just go back to the way that I was. He’s told me this.

Given that this is my blog and I can write what I want here, I probably will continue to complain here, that’s my right. Having said that though, I want this to be a place of action too you know. Where I can say that sure, I complained about something or other but then, when the time was right, I did something about it.

Friday Fill-In’s (1/7/2011)

2011-07-02T11:09:00.001+09:30

1. Blue skies have completely deserted the sky today.

2. My trips down memory lane seem to always end up negative when it includes The Husband.

3. Kids have been my life for the last 19 years and I honestly don’t mind.

4. No cleaning, no cooking, getting to go through all the drawers and cupboards in a new room; these are some of the best things about vacation.

5. Love is not ownership.

6. OMG! Submarine races…oh wait, I don’t care about submarine races.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging out with my girls in the city, tomorrow my plans include maybe doing some housework and Sunday, I want to try and do the housework I didn’t do yesterday!

(Friday Fill-Ins)

I Have A Plan?

2011-02-05T18:08:00.001+10:30

According to my friend and psychologist I have a Plan. The Psych has told me there are things that I need to add to this Plan but it is a Plan none the less.

Acknowledging that I have a Plan scares the hell out of me. I can’t even describe to you how much it frightens me. Thinking about things in the part of the brain that you pay actual attention with makes them real. It means that I’m truly thinking it, that it’s something I truly want, something I can’t really ignore anymore.

It’s going to take quite some time to implement this Plan though. It certainly won’t be happening overnight and even after I do implement it, a whole new set of problems will arise that I will forced to deal with. That right now, I’m not even close to being ready to dealing with. Little things I can cope with I think, but the bigger stuff that I know with absolute, 100 % certainty will happen, the scary one’s, the one’s that might completely break me, well, I’m not ready for those yet.

This Plan has been around for a while I think, I’ve just never acknowledged it before. It wasn’t until the most terrible thought (quite possibly the worst I’ve ever had) crossed my mind that the Plan came up and smacked me in the face and made sure I was paying attention.

I wished My Husband would just die. Just die. That if He did all my problems would be solved. I think the worst part of thinking this is that I’m not sorry I had the thought. There is still a part of me that wishes, when He falls asleep, that He won’t wake up again.

You see, The Husband takes a valium. He takes a lot of valium. A lot more than He should. From my perspective, the kids perspective and most everyone we both know who knows that He takes these tablets, knows He takes too much. He also takes a tablet called Panadine Forte. I don’t know that they are called elsewhere around the world but essentially they are a full of codeine. They are a prescribed pain killer. One of the most common one’s in this country I would think. He gets them by the 100’s through a specially approved prescription. He takes somewhere near a box of these a day. That’s 20 tablets I think. Then He takes the valium. I think they are around 5-10mg each and of these He has at least six I’m guessing. One of the main side-effects of these two medications is that they cause drowsiness. Both the Forte and the valium are often given for this very reason. According to a fact I heard the other day people who take this much medication are around 95% more like to die of an accidental overdose. Now I didn’t look this fact up. Honestly, it was on some show that was talking about the top ten causes of preventable deaths in the US and this was one of them. It was complete coincidence that I heard this at around the same time that my terrible thought occurred.

I can remember when I would think how terrible it was that He took too many meds, how terrible it would if He didn’t wake up one day…now…

My Plan though…my Plan is that one day I’m going to ask Him to leave. Now I’ve thought it, I spoken it and finally I’ve written it. It’s real now. Completely and totally real.

The Psych said I’m going to need to have money hidden away, preferably a bank account that He can’t access and already be in the process of organising custody of the children before I ask Him to go. She said that I might even need to consider the fact that I’ll need to get restraining orders, not just for me but for the children too. Miss Independent told me last night that He’s already told her that if we ever split up and I got a new boyfriend (highly unlikely) then He would kill him and so that I would live with the guilt of it because I’d think it was my fault. There is actually a part of me that believes He’s more than capable of doing that. He’s already told my mother that if I ever left Him then He would make sure that I didn’t have the children. I know, in my bones, I know that He’s already thought out what He would do to me, not physically, but mentally, if I ever left Him. That’s what I’m not ready for yet. I’m not strong enough to handle all that yet. I can’t put a time frame on it but I think I’ll know. I’m just hoping that I have a licence (I don’t drive), a job, some money and a lawyer before I get to that point because if I snap one day and get him removed (which I think is the only way He’ll go and stay gone), I’m going to be fucked if I don’t have those things.

So, apparently that is my Plan.

What Can I Say?

2011-01-25T17:33:00.001+10:30

Really, I don’t know what to say. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to sit and write a post of any description it’s actually laughable.

The constant changes that have been happening in my life make my head spin. Things are fine for a while, The Husband and I are able to talk and he isn’t constantly whining then all of a sudden it’ll start up again and it feels like we’re back at square one.

The sex issue is still a big one. As much as I hate to admit it to myself I do believe that part of the problem is that I just don’t find him attractive in the same way that I used to. Some of it is simply a physical thing but I feel that the larger portion is that all that has gone on over the years has just killed it completely for me. Completely and totally. I don’t even look at anyone else, male or female and feel any real urges at all. It’s like that part of me has just totally died. In some ways I don’t even care that it’s gone. I really don’t. If, on the rare occasion that I do feel ‘in the mood’ I’d much prefer to take care of it all myself and leave it at that. Wow, that sounds so terrible. So incredibly horrible and awful…

We’re still taking part in the Family project that we got involved in in about October of last year. It’s been a bit of a mixed bag but in general it’s done amazing things for our family as a whole. We all seem to function a lot better. The Husband seems to think a little more before he does things now. There is still plenty of times when he’s bordering on the worst father in the world but he’s making the effort and I have to give him due credit for that.

Miss Independent is due to have a baby in April. I know…what is there to say to that…she’s following in my shitty footsteps. In the hideous example I’ve set for her. She’s always wanted to be a mother though so frankly it’s not all that surprising that she’s done this. I just don’t want to be a Nanna. I want to be me. Me on my own without more of everyone else’s shit added to my own. Okay, it’s official, I’m a really inconsiderate, horrible bitch.

You know what though, right at this exact moment, as I type, I just don’t give a fuck. Not even a little bit. I’ve had the worst few weeks in my long and laborious life and I feel like venting my spleen all over this screen. In fact, I want to scream, yell, swear, spit, throw things, hurt people and run as far away as I possibly can, change my name and being my life all over again. I know, that’s not going to happen, I’m well aware of that, I might a bit crazy but I’m not stupid.

I’ve had everyone asking me for the last few days “What’s wrong?” “Are you okay?” Hmm, let me think…no, no I’m fucking not! “Why are you not?” is generally the next question and my response is “I have no fucking idea! If I did know what was wrong I’d fix it!” What really get’s me is that for almost a year I’ve managed to keep this shit at bay, doing all kinds of self-talk and whatnot and I’m trying it all right now and it’s getting me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere at all. I’m just sad and angry and while I can pinpoint some of the reasons why I’m feeling that way, there’s plenty of room left over that is completely unaccounted for.

If I happen to come across it though, I’ll be sure and sneak some time alone and let you all know…if anyone is still stopping by of course…I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t though.

Friday Fill-In’s #202

2010-12-06T08:33:00.001+10:30

1. The best thing about a birthday celebration is getting to be completely and utterly selfish for one whole day without having to feel even a little tiny bit guilty about it. I try doing this every year and every year I fail miserably. I wrecked it for everyone else last year. They wanted to take me out to lunch (I think that was it) and I didn’t want to go because I didn’t want to waste the money. I know, not very fair of me, but it just felt like such a waste of money when it could have been put to better use, considering we have very little of it at the best of times.

2. Pain can be diminished by the passage of time but sometimes it just festers, causing a deep, agony filled wound.

3. I went shopping recently and the most interesting thing I bought was nothing. I don’t go shopping. At this exact moment, I can’t actually remember the last time I went shopping.

4. I can’t really think of any child's game that evokes wonderful memories for me. I wonder why that is?

5. A part of the reason is that you can be such an offensive, ignorant, degrading and disgusting pig whenever the subject of sex is raised or when you see an attractive woman, or any woman for that matter. Much of the time, the words that come out of your mouth just disgust me, they make me angry, I feel embarrassed and it completely turns me off. I ultimately find it rather difficult to think of anything to do with sex in a positive way because all I can hear is the filth and the bullshit that comes pouring out of your foul mouth. (Anyone for a cup of honesty?).

6. The snow (which we don’t have any of anyway) and cold have definitely left us and instead the heat and humidity have taken it’s place.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to just sitting here, in the kitchen, with my computer, bottomless glasses of coke and my packet of Lemon Sherbets, tomorrow my plans include _pottering around the house a bit and spending the evening with all my children in a positive way, with no fighting or yelling or arguing, and Sunday, I want to do some washing and folding (which I loathe), muck around on the computer for a bit and then do a bit of reading, maybe even finish the book that I’m currently reading!

HYAMLC: Have yourself a merry little Christmas…
TFNTADS: The first Noel, the angels did sing…
GRYMGLNYD: God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay… [This is one of my personal favourites, I learnt to play it on the piano when I was quite young and would just play the thing over and over and over, it must have driven everyone nuts. The funny thing is that if you put me in front of a piano now, I couldn’t for the life of me remember how to play it!]
ICUAMC: It came upon a midnight clear…
SNHNAICAIB: Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright…
OTFDOCMTLGTM: On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
DTHWBOHFLLLLLLLL: Deck the halls with bells of holly fa la la la la, la la la la…
YBWOYBNC:
JTTWTLHC: Joy to the world, the Lord has come…

I can’t for the life of me think what #8 is…

~ Friday Fill-In’s ~

Unconscious Mutterings–Week 409

2010-12-04T23:51:00.001+10:30

SCRABBLE :: Score

WATCHING :: The Screen

HABITUALLY :: Negative
[Though I think it’s actually changing, I think I’m slowly
starting to think a little more positively]

GRITTY :: Sand

SLOVENLY :: Disgusting

CANVAS :: Jacket
[I saw a guy while I was walking through town the other day, he was one of those hippy looking blokes, the really dirty, hippy types, and he had a jacket on that made me think of the hessian sacks that kids use for sack races]

LEGGINGS :: Jeggings
[I’d actually really like a pair but I’d never buy them because I think they would look hideous on me and I don’t have anything that I could wear them with anyway.]

THURSDAY :: HNT and lunch with new friends
[I’ve met some really nice women through doing this Family Thing and they’ve been inviting me out to lunch with them on a Thursday for the last month but I haven’t been able to go. We’ve not been able to afford it or we’ve had appointments but next Thursday I’ll be going with them for the first time. I’m really excited but incredibly nervous at the same time. They all seem really together and confident and I don’t feel that way at all. I’m not even sure why they’ve asked me. I really like talking with them but I just don’t feel like I fit, if that makes any sense.]

ATTENTION:: Too much and not enough

HYPNOTIC:: The computer screen

~ Unconscious Mutterings ~

Unconscious Mutterings–Week 408

2010-11-26T19:53:00.001+10:30

This weeks Friday Fill-In’s are Thanksgiving focused and given our country doesn’t celebrate this holiday or even anything like it, then it’s actually a bit harder than I thought to come up with answers that don’t sound ridiculous. I did try. Probably not as hard as I should have done, but I tried so let’s leave it at that.

This meme I found browsing Friday’s selection of meme’s on The Daily Meme. I think it’s actually an interesting concept and quite different to many of the meme’s that are out there. Essentially its a free association game; I say…you think…; do you get the idea? If not, go to the link at the bottom of this post and all will be revealed.

EMOTIONAL :: Not me. Moody, yes; emotional, no.
The Husband, most definitely.

BITE :: Everyone’s head off.

GET OFF MY :: Face
[Don’t ask me where the hell that came from!]

HEROIC :: The Quiet One’s.

CLOTHING :: Black.

HOME :: Is not a lot of fun to be at when He’s here
and awake a lot of the time now.

SPELLING :: Reading.

ATTITUDE :: Horrible.

ARGUMENT :: Always.

SATAN :: Me.

~ Unconscious Mutterings ~

Wordless Wednesday #8

2010-11-25T14:49:00.001+10:30

Image 1: representing frustration
Image 2: it just makes me smile
Both these images need to be seen at their original sizes,
so please, do click them to see the full size view.

~ Wordless Wednesday ~

Friday Fill-In’s #200

2010-11-19T23:05:00.001+10:30

1. Why does He always have to start something? Why does He keep asking me the same questions over and over again, as if the answers are going to change? Why does he want me to answer questions that will do nothing but hurt him?

2. I know that there really isn’t any chance that I’m ever going to see anything other than my own country but I will always encourage our children to do all they can to see the world.

3. Thank you for making me really assess what I truly want from this life. For finally admitting that just saying “It’ll do” won’t do anymore.

4. Australia Day is my favourite holiday because it signifies the return to school for the children and it’s also our anniversary. The anniversary doesn’t hold the same level of importance that it once did for me but regardless of what’s going on with us right now, 20 years in the one relationship is pretty impressive by today’s standards.

5. I am SO fucking gutless! I can’t even bring myself to say exactly how I feel. I mean 100%, not just most of it, not some of it but every single, hurtful piece of it. Right now, I’d rather continue living in this shitty relationship, where I watch Him try and find new way to manipulate situations because the old ways don’t work anymore, than actually have to open my mouth and say anything of substance. As much as I don’t have the same feelings that I once did, I don’t have any desire whatsoever to hurt Him. Not even a little bit. If I were to sit Him down and tell him the truth I feel very confident in saying that He may go and kill Himself.

6. It took a minute to make up my mind and forever to put it into effect.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sitting at the kitchen table with my computer and just floating around the Interweb, tomorrow my plans include doing the housework with the music cranking in the morning and then just pottering around, maybe reading for a bit in the afternoon, though I have a feeling that I’ll need to go and see Duty so that I can sort her out with Yahoo! Groups and Sunday, I want to go and watch The Bean Pole play cricket, we’ll just have to wait and see how The Little Prince is that day and whether he’ll behave himself or whether he’ll act up and make it impossible for me to watch!

~ Friday Fill-In’s ~

Image credits: Unknown (if you happen to know where they are from then please let me know, if they are yours and you’d like them removed, then let me know that too.)

Wordless Wednesday #7

2010-11-11T14:35:00.001+10:30

Wordless Wednesday

Friday Fill-In’s #190

2010-11-06T21:46:00.001+10:30

1. Sometimes, it would just be easier to give in, let everything go back to the way it was and pretend that I don’t mind again.

2. I be He wishes that I would just forget about the whole thing.

3. It’s probably the small things that bother me the most.

4. _Doing things that you aren’t used to doing can be very enlightening.

5. I keep meaning to tell Him the complete and total truth, but I never do.

6. I haven’t caved in ...yet.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sitting back and just messing around on my computer because I haven’t done that in a long time, tomorrow my plans include doing the housework in the morning and then maybe doing a blog post or sitting out in the sun and reading and Sunday, I want to do not very much but I’ll probably end up going to watch The Bean Pole play cricket, which will be nice because I haven’t seen him play in this team yet!

I might be late, but I’m still playing Friday Fill-In’s for the first time in ages…
so go and check out everyone else’s.

Time + Credit = Post

2010-11-06T16:05:00.001+10:30

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve had both internet credit and the time to write a post. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been thinking about this blog and the few that stop by to read…you know who you are. I’ve felt so incredibly guilty for not putting up a post sooner, even just one with a couple of lines saying “Hi everyone, too busy to put down a post, but I’m still here…” Things have just been really hectic for me. It’s been absolutely amazing in some ways but also some of the hardest things I’ve ever done in others.

Uni is finished. I’m so sad about that. I actually did my maths exam this time. I did it late and I did it badly and knowing my luck it won’t count for a thing and I’ll fail it anyway, but at least I actually did it. I’m not sure if I ended up mentioning that I could High Distinctions for my other three subjects. This maths one though is going ruin that little run, but I’m actually not all that fussed. My goal was to just pass it, not pass it brilliantly, just pass. I’m hoping against hope that I’ve done at least that.

The other two courses that I did have finished also. I met some really nice people doing them and it definitely helped me come out of my shell a lot. I made a pact with myself before the course started that I wouldn’t go in there all quiet and trying to hide like I usually do. I’d speak up, I’d sit with the group, I’d talk about myself, that sort of thing. By the time I got to know them all a bit better and tried to tell them that I’m actually really terrible around people they didn’t believe me. They thought I had great people skills! I guess I’ve still got the ability to hide my true self, just like I always had. That’s kind of sad in a way though. It would be so nice just be that person that I pretend to be.

Things between The Husband and I are still about the same I think. Some days are fine, other’s are so awful that I end up finding a space to myself so I can cry. There’s been a few that I’ve been within a heartbeat of telling him to get out. I know that I don’t feel the same about him anymore. Definitely not the same way that he feels about me. I can’t picture being with anyone else though. I have no desire to be. Yesterday was the first time in a really long time that I actually needed him. I desperately needed him to come and save me. I was so grateful to him when he did come and get me. I’m not sure what would have happened had I had to stay there any longer.

I’ll try and explain this real quick. We, as a family, have been asked to take part in a new project that is designed to help families. I can’t really be much more specific than that without going into details and that would mean revealing things about me which I’m not going to be doing. Yesterday, I had agreed to help them out by going to different places and speaking to random families in order to get them interested in the concept and maybe get on board and volunteer. As you all know, I’m not good with people. Psych 101 tells us that in order to get over those uncomfortable feelings when in certain situations, you need to keep putting yourself in those situations to get better at them. Hence my agreement to going and speaking to random people. We began at 9:30 am. By 1:30 pm I was starting to loose it. It was getting harder and harder to pretend. I was trying but it just wasn’t happening for me. In fact, all I wanted to do was go and find a corner to hide in and start crying. I sat in this kid’s cafe, you know the one’s that have the indoor playgrounds, and I looked around me and saw the mothers with their friends and their food and the thought of going up to them and speaking to them just made me feel ill. It made my head hurt. I texted The Husband and begged him to either come and help me talk to people or come and get me, make up some bullshit reason and tell them I had to go. He came through big time and within 15 minutes I was out of there. I got to the car and I just started to cry. We got home and I kept crying. That was the first time in a very, very long time that I needed my Husband. That I couldn’t have gotten through that moment without him. I made sure that I thanked him profusely for doing that for me. I made sure that he knew I couldn’t have gotten through that moment without him.

You know what though? That night, I went back out with my flyers and talked to more random families. As much I wanted to run away screaming, I didn’t. I put myself back in that situation and did it all over again. I didn’t feel any better than I had earlier that day, but I did it. I must admit though, I’m wondering if there isn’t something else that I can do to help them because this people thing is just not working for me. I’ll try again and probably try once or twice more after that…eventually though I’m just going to have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not my thing.

This is not much of an update I know, there’s plenty more that I want to complain and write about, I just don’t know where to begin with it all…at the beginning might be good…

Friday Fill-In’s #189

2010-08-15T01:49:00.001+09:30

1. Music can be like the very air I breathe some days.

2. A perfectly made cup of tea is what I like first thing in the morning. What I would like first thing in the morning is for it to be last thing at night.

3. The first thing I said this morning was: ”Hello you beaudiful puppy dog” to my two year old pit-bull. Our pets are the only thing that I do that stupid and condescending type of ‘baby’ talk too. Please, forgive me.

4. Some sort of yummy one (or maybe two) pot wonder; it's what's for dinner tonight. Oh, and if you don’t like it, I Don’t Care is also on the menu.

5. Whether I can find the love I had, in the beginning, for The Husband and whether or not we stay together, it's all been worthwhile, going to see The Psych. I think there will be changes that He makes that will last Him the rest of his life now and maybe it will mean he can be happier and have better relationships.

6. Sitting here on the computer, in my trackies with a cup of tea and a pack of lemon sherbet is what I feel like and what I am doing right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to (please refer), tomorrow my plans include (to the ‘And as for the weekend’) and Sunday, I want to (question of this post)!

~ Friday Fill-In’s ~

Friday Fill-In’s #188

2010-08-13T15:04:00.001+09:30

I know these are from last week but I’ve got some quiet time at the moment and so I thought I’d do these until this weeks are posted.

1. Life is just too hard sometimes but for the first time in such a long, long time, I’m thinking that it may just turn out that I’ll get to do what I would like to in this life.

2. Despite the days where I feel like I’d rather be dead than alive, I just keep going. Sometimes I think about what it is that makes me keep going and usually I come up with two reasons. I think I’m just too gutless to commit suicide and the kids. There are days when I’d quite happily do without them but the truth of it is there isn’t anyone on this earth whom I love more. They are the only thing that I stops me from being completely selfish much of the time.

3. My last text message (or IM) ended in these three words:_Almost done :)) (yes I know that’s only two but that is the last text message I got)

4. Pasta, maybe something done in the crock pot (I think they are called slow cookers in the US) or that soup I made when Miss Independent and her boyfriend came over one time is what I'm thinking about for dinner sometime soon. Given that I’m not very good at cooking, though I love cooking shows and I’d love to be able to afford to cook much better quality food than I do, I tend not to get overly fancy in my ideas of what to cook. Having said that, I’d love to make an awesome three course meal type thing, maybe using some of the recipes from Masterchef.

5. On the 1st day of August I haven’t got a clue what it was I was doing. Probably just sitting at home either reading, mucking around on the computer or stressing over one thing or another.

6. I can’t picture myself ever being a lively and energetic person like The Bean Pole is.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not very much, tomorrow my plans include doing some housework and trying to think of things The Little Prince and his friend can do when he comes to sleep over and Sunday, I want to not have to a massive mess to clean up after the boy goes home. Oh and to not have to fight with the kids to get their uniforms out for me to wash so they are ready for school Monday!

How Do I Tell Her All This?

2010-08-11T09:51:00.001+09:30

Warning: I’m fairly sure I’m going to be using a fair bit of strong language in this post. Lost of f#$%’s mostly, so if this is of particular bother to you then you might want to skip this post entirely.

I’ll just cut right to the chase here. Miss Independent is pregnant. Again. What I’ve done to cause this child of mine to be so fucking stupid with her body I don’t know. I truly don’t.

It’s been no more than a year I think since she had a termination and had the contraceptive rod put in her arm. That rod, according to her, made her put on a ton of weight. She’s probably right. It did make her gain a lot of weight but the fact that she doesn’t do any exercise hasn’t made the situation any better. Her solution to this weight problem was to have the rod removed. Which, despite me trying to talk her passionately out of it she went and did anyway. That was maybe three or four months ago I think. Now she’s pregnant. Now she’s decided that she can’t go through with another termination and so therefore she’s going to have the baby. She’s been told that she doesn’t need a full blown termination she can instead take a few tablets which will cause a miscarriage and that will be the end of it.

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I know from first hand experience how hard a termination can be. There are so many conflicting emotions involved and age has nothing to do with it. Nothing at all. When I had mine at 14 (I think that’s how old I was) I did it because my mother told me I had to and that if I didn’t then basically she’d want nothing more to do with me if I didn’t. Considering she was the only family I had and I had nowhere else to go I went ahead with it. It took two trips to the hospital to have it done though. The first time I completely freaked out and refused to have it done. Then I went back and had it done. It took me a very long time to get over it. A very long time. Now though, 16 years later, I’m glad that I did it. I’m not proud of myself by any stretch but it was definitely a good idea and the best thing for me. If I hadn’t done it I wouldn’t have my other four children now. There are things that may not be happening now which I’d much prefer weren’t happening but the bottom line is I wouldn’t have my children.

I know what Miss Independent is going through. I didn’t enjoy telling her that I’d had a termination. That I’d had a miscarriage before I had her too. This is the sort of stuff I prefer to keep private. The sort of stuff I might only be willing to share here, in the anonymity of cyberspace. I shared it though. All of it. All to make her see how having a child at 16 (which she was the first time) was not all rainbows and roses. Now she says that she went through with the termination because of me. Because I wanted her too. She did it to please me. Essentially, it’s my fault. It’s my fault that she feels guilty, horrible and a murderer. You know what though, I’ll cop that. I’ll live with her blaming me if it makes her feel better. I know my daughter and I know she’s not ready for this.

She says she’s prepared to do it on her own. In other words without the stupid boyfriend who has fathered this child. She doesn’t mean alone though. She means “I’m going to keep going to school, I’m going to work and I’m going to do a whole bunch of things with a bucket of eggs and big stick and while I do Mum will look after the baby because she loves me.” I’m not going to do it. You might think that’s harsh. That it’s not fair. That I’m not being supportive. That’s okay. You can think that. In some respect you’d be right. If you’ve been reading this blog recently, you’ll see that I’m going through a shit load of life changes. In my marriage, in my self and hopefully in my path in life. Come hell or high water I’m going to get my lazy ass into university and I’m going to put everything I’ve got into getting a psychology degree. Whether I achieve it or not, that’s another matter entirely. I’m also in the process of getting into a basic course in order to give me some employability so that I can at least get a part time job. So I’m not stuck sitting at home and because The Husband feels he’s not capable of working at the moment. Which doesn’t explain the last three years but that’s another story entirely. I’m sick of this life I have. It’s not what I wanted for myself or my children. I should have grown the balls and done this shit a long time ago. Instead I didn’t. Instead I avoided it all because it would be hard and I didn’t think I could handle it. Hell, I’m still not sure that I can. But I’m at least going to try. I’m trying to think positive. I’m not trying not think that everything I do is going to fail. I will not give up all that I’ve worked for in the last six months or so just disappear because my daughter has this misguided belief that I’m going to look after/raise her child so she can ‘be all she can be’.

Why the fuck can’t I be all that I can be? Why? I’ve put my entire life on hold for everyone around me. I’ve put it all on hold because I was too scared I’d fail. There’s tons of reasons I’ve put it all on hold. Having three more children after Miss Independent certainly contributed to that. They are all pretty much grown now. They are all in school. By next year there will only be one left in primary school. I’m only in my mid 30’s. I’ve still got some time left to do what I’d like. To have a career. Have a fucking life! Learn who I really am. Learn if I really am as smart as everyone says I am. I can’t do any of that if I’m having to look after my daughter’s child so she can go and do…whatever. Fuck, I sound so selfish! My god, I really do! This isn’t about me. I know that. This is about her and what it’s going to do to her life. She just doesn’t seem to understand. She keeps comparing herself to her father and I and there is no comparison. None. Her and her boyfriend have nothing in common with us. For fuck’s sake it was not more than three weeks ago that he told her he didn’t want to be with her anymore. This was after he cheated on her at her own party! Fucking hell! There is so much I want to tell her, to explain to her but I can’t. Most of what I think would hurt her and her father so much to hear it and I’m not sure I’m prepared to do that. They may never forgive me for it. I wouldn’t forgive me for it!

We’re taking her to an appointment today where they are going to explain her options to her. Talk to her about the pill/s she can take in order to induce a miscarriage. I know in my bones that she won’t do it. She’s already convinced herself that she’s going through with it. This sounds so incredibly heartless but there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a shit. I’ve done all I can in raising her. She’s moved out and now everything she does is on her own head, not mine anymore so don’t come blaming me when it all fucks up. Twenty minutes later though, I feel completely different. I just can’t see her pregnant. I just can’t see it. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to see it.

Could there possibly be anymore shit that could happen? I must have totally pissed off someone in a past life for karma to be kicking my ass this badly. I just wish she’d tell me what it was I’d done and then maybe I could repair whatever it is and then whatever is left of my life I could live in peace.

Friday Fill-In’s #187

2010-07-31T11:34:00.001+09:30

1. I'm going to try really hard not to get depressed. Not get angry. Not be nasty. To take The Husband at face value. To try and not ‘read His mind’. I think you get the idea.

2. I would have liked to be more adventurous and daring.

3. Perhaps today you can make it a point to not be crude, ignorant, nasty and/or childish and I’ll make it a point to let you know that I care without making you think there is more to it than there really is.

4. Dean Potter has, without a shadow of a doubt, a true adventurer’s spirit. I watched a documentary about him the other night. It was incredible. I’d never heard of the sport before but watching him do it…wow! It’s hard to describe. When I saw this particular Fill-In, Potter was the first person I thought of. I wish I could remember the name of the documentary though…it had ‘line’ in the title I think. If I do happen to remember (which is incredibly unlikely) then I will remember to post it.

5. Compassion is something it turns out that I understand very well, I just don’t necessarily feel it like everyone else. ('I’ll probably be trying to do a bit of a post on this particular issue which came up in our joint session the other day.)

6. I will keep trying to work towards my goals and I will try and learn how to develop connections between me and other people, no matter how difficult.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sitting up late on the computer (hopefully alone), tomorrow my plans include having a shower, doing some housework, working out why the hell my touchpad won’t scroll through Outlook 2007 but will scroll through every other program, it’s seriously pissing me off. I’ve looked for driver updates and apparently my manufacturer says I don’t need one but the Synaptics website says there are updates, so I don’t know what to do. Then I’ll maybe play TS3 for a while and Sunday, I want to make sure I have all the kids uniforms washed and ready for school Monday!

Friday Fill-In’s

Wordless Wednesday #6

2010-07-28T23:51:00.001+09:30

Make of this what you will, I have nothing to say except I love her back.

Wordless Wednesday

TMI #234

2010-07-27T14:11:00.001+09:30

Who is one celebrity you would like to:

Cuddle? The little guy from Top Gear, what’s his name…Richard Hammond I think. It’s not that he’s incredibly sexy or anything like that, he seems like a funny sort of a bloke and he’s adorable in a cute puppy kind of way. Plus, he’s little like me.

Elope with? That’s a hard one. Who would I elope with…I can’t think of anyone to be honest…I did think, I’m sitting on my front lawn and staring off into space picturing famous people I’d consider marrying. There’s probably a few but I’m not sure it’s them or the character they play. Ooo, I’ve got one, the guy who plays the genius on Criminal Minds, shit, I can’t think of his name. Spencer, that’s I think. Him, I could quite happily elope with the character of Spencer because I like the personality and I think the guy is hot. I know, I know, I’ve got weird taste in guys/men.

Love? Any of the celebs I’ve mentioned here I supposed. Except for maybe the one in the celeb encounter I’ve had.

Excite beyond words? I couldn’t excite anyone. I’m about as interesting as watching paint dry. If I could excite a celebrity then that would be the person I’d definitely fall in love with!

Bang? Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt or both, given that she is apparently as kinky as hell…wonder if that means he is too?
See in bed with their current fling? See above. How freakin’ hot would that be!

Bonus (optional):Tell us about one encounter (if any) that you've had with a celebrity. Many years ago, when Miss Independent was about 18 months old or so we went to the cricket. After, we hung around because The Husband wanted to get a bunch of autographs and one of the one’s he wanted to get was Shane Warne. I always thought he was a bit cute (not now, but back then) and so I went up and got it with The Husband. When he’d left The Husband was all pissed off because apparently Mr Warne was checking out my boobs. At the time I thought he was full of shit but considering the reputation the guy has now, it’s entirely possible that he was checking them out. Other than that, I’ve not had any cool celeb encounters unfortunately. Though it would be fun to have some sort of titillating story to tell when I’m older. Who knows, I’m not completely old yet, there may still be time.

TMI – Celebrity Edition

Friday Fill-In’s #186

2010-07-27T00:35:00.001+09:30

1. I feel like this headache isn’t going to go away any time soon.
2. I have a whole life to catch up on and I don’t think I’ll ever actually catch up on it at all.
3. Do not start bitching me at me because I’m not doing/saying/acting/behaving/giving etc. what you want.
4. I wish there was something that was completely and totally unique about me.
5. It's hard to know how much things will change in the future, or even how much they will stay the same.
6. I’ll probably just follows suit with everything that I’ve done in the last 15 years.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to playing TS3 without getting hassled about the other three wanting a turn, tomorrow my plans include doing the washing, probably going and doing something computer related for Duty and Sunday, I want to just do sweet FA but instead we’ll all be going to the mother-in-laws for dinner!
FA=Fuck All (just in case there are those who may not know what that means).

Yes, I know it’s already half an hour into Tuesday and this is supposed to be a Friday thing but, well, I’ve just not had the time to do it. With any luck I’ll actually get a TMI in this week, for the first time in about forever!

I’ve only one unit to do this semester (the stupid maths one) so that’s about a 1/3 less of the work load I had last semester. Even if I don’t do ultra personal posts, where I bitch and moan about The Husband, the kids, being bipolar II (when it turns out The Psych doesn’t believe it, though I tend to think she’s completely full of shit on that particular issue) and all the rest of it, then I’ll try and get back into doing TMI’s, Wordless Wednesday’s, HNT’s and FFI’s. At least then you will all have something to actually come and read here! Oh and now that I’ve got my iPhone back again, I’ll be able to take some pictures for HNT and maybe even some for Wordless Wednesday, who knows?

The End?

2010-07-24T11:29:00.001+09:30

~ 19th June, 2010 ~

When I saw The Psych the other day (I won’t be blogging about that session, nothing happened that warrants it’s own post took place), I said to her that I’m fairly certain that the way I feel towards The Husband has changed. I don’t love him like I once did and I know not as much as he loves me. I don’t hate him, it’s not even that I don’t like him, I do love him still, just not in the ‘we should be together forever’ kind of way.

Sometimes though, there are little moments when I doubt feeling all that. It’s bizarre. I try and picture different scenarios of us not together anymore, living separate lives. How would I feel if he found a new girlfriend (which I know he would, probably within 6 months to a year at the most), if he started actually living – going out, doing things, hanging out with friends he has, that sort of thing. Would I be angry or jealous? Would I then want him back? What if he didn’t want me back? Would I be upset? If I’m totally honest with myself, which, if no where else, I try to be when I writing here, I think I might feel a little bit of all those things. Just not to the level that I once did. That tells me a lot in terms of my feelings towards him. I just thought of something. I think if he found someone new and seemed to be incredibly happy and loving life, then I think I would feel somewhat angry but probably, the predominant feeling would be guilt.

~ 24th July, 2010 ~

I should start this part of the post by saying that nothing terribly bad has happened since I last posted. There has been a couple of times where I just haven’t had any internet and the rest of the time, well, I’ve just been taking a break. I’ve been playing The Sims 3 a lot, which I haven’t done in about 3 months or so. I’ve been trying to spend more time with the kids. I’ve been trying to get my act together in terms of housework. Between studying and being depressed, housework ends up so far down the list its not even funny. All that ends up getting done is the basics, not the other things that should be done too.

I’ve finished my uni course. I failed the maths unit miserably. Partly through my own lack of discipline and partly through having the worst lecturer ever. So I’ve re-enrolled in that. If I don’t pass it then I can’t use the course to get into a degree course and given that is my ultimate goal, then I need to pass this maths unit. As for the other three units, I pass those. I passed them with High Distinctions in all of them. It’s uni speak for an A+ so I’m incredibly proud of myself. I think I’ve told only about two or so people that I passed with flying colours. Every time I go to tell someone I stop because I feel like I’m just bragging and I don’t like doing that. So I don’t say anything. I don’t need a ton of praise, I’m happy with just me knowing that I did well.

The Husband and I are still seeing The Psych. We’ve got six more free sessions with her. After that, if there isn’t any way to get more, then we either stop going or start paying around $170 each person for each session. So that would be around $340 a week or a fortnight, depending on when our appointments are. That is not going to be happening. We just don’t have that kind of money unfortunately. Next week we start seeing her together. So far we haven’t done that yet. We’ve only had individual sessions. I have to say I’m pretty scared/nervous about these joint sessions. Part of me doesn’t want to hear what He has to say about me, the bad things He has to say. I know there are bad things. There are things that I’m doing that I know bother Him greatly but I have my reasons and I don’t want to tell Him what they are yet, I’m not ready too. He has the right to express how he feels and I’m fine with that. I just don’t like hearing crappy things about myself. Also, I’m not ready to tell Him certain things either. I’m just not. I don’t think He’s really ready to hear them either. I’m just going to wing it I suppose. The Psych still asks me why I’m with Him, why don’t I just leave. She even suggested that I just go and leave the kids behind for the time being. That is not going to happen. I can’t see there being any situation where I would do that. It wouldn’t be fair to them.

Oh, one thing The Psych told me that has really pissed me off is that The Husband says he does pretty much all the parenting. I don’t do much of it. I haven’t said anything to The Husband because He would know that The Psych was the the one who told me and it would probably destroy any relationship He has with her. Either He is completely delusional or He is in a giant state of denial when it comes to the kids, I think it might be a bit of both. He thinks He has this great relationship with them. To a degree He does but it’s no where near what He thinks it is. I don’t think it’s even in the same suburb as what He thinks it is!

As for who parents them more. I wasn’t aware it was a competition for starters and secondly, we both bring different things to the table when it comes to the kids. He does all the taxing around – driving to school, sports etc. I try and do most of the home stuff. If He buys the food for me to cook then I’ll cook dinner. If it isn’t there then I can’t do it. I teach them a lot about the way to be in life. How to treat people, how to behave, what’s right and wrong, how to think about things. If it was left to Him to do that, I can tell you right now I would not even like my own kids, let alone love them. Maybe that would result in a situation where I would quite happily walk away from the lot of them. For all the good points about The Husband there are a lot know that I’m just willing to tolerate anymore. Largely because they are rubbing off on the boys mostly. The Princess seems to see that a lot of what her father says is complete bullshit and she just doesn’t listen.

For example: The Husband uses a lot of racist terms, He call women by disgusting names, He some how or another can turn anything into a crude sexual joke. I am so fucking sick of listening to it! I’m sick of telling him to stop talking like that around the boys. He just looks at me like I’m stupid. His argument is that He’s an adult and He can say what He likes and the kids have to listen when he tells them they can’t do it. For crying out loud, that just doesn’t work for everything! He won’t understand it, no matter which way I spin it. On the outside of that kind of behaviour, I find it embarrassing when I’m out with him and He talks that kind of crap, it’s humiliating. He sounds like an ignorant pig. I know He’s not, I know He knows better than that but it’s like He thinks He can just say whatever the hell He wants to and everyone just needs to get over it. Geez…I could go on for hours about all that.

Other than that. There isn’t anything else to say to be honest. Things have been pretty quiet I guess. Studying has managed to drag me out of some of my depression, so I’m hoping that continues to last. It’s been nice not thinking terrible thoughts all the time. I will try to come back and post more often. How about if I try and promise to do a post after our joint session. I’m sure I’ll have a whole heap of things to say then!

Psychologist #3

2010-06-12T23:03:00.001+09:30

Please note: this post is HUGE. You may want to leave and
perhaps return when you have more time to spare.

The session began with going over the results of the tests that I took. She established what I’ve already told her in that I don’t have Bipolar I but I do agree with the first diagnoses in that I have Bipolar II. I guess I’ll probably have to wait to find out what she thinks because some how or another we got distracted and I basically ended up bitching about all the shitty things The Husband has done and does do. I did tell her it was getting better overall but I’m not even sure it matters now. I know I care about him and his feelings are very important to me, otherwise I wouldn’t feel so crappy when I hurt his feelings. As for love, I just don’t know.

The Psych seems to think I’ve probably never truly loved him because we were so young when we got together, I wouldn’t have known what ‘real’ love is. I see her point but I’m not sure I agree with her. I’m fairly certain that I loved him deeply at some point. It just seems like in the last year maybe all the crap that has gone on, things he promised and didn’t do, the way he’s treated me etc. etc. has just gotten to me big time. More than ever before. Where I really think my feelings have changed. Frankly though, I’m too scared to tell him this. For a few different reasons.

Firstly, I don’t want him screaming at me, I don’t want him saying horrible things to me that will make me feel guilty and cry. The guilt I feel is usually nothing to do with something I’ve actually done. The Psych says he’s a ‘master manipulator’, that there are times he will deliberately says things to make me feel guilty. Bear in mind she’s seen him just as much as she has seen me, so it’s not like she’s established this opinion based only on what I’ve said. She actually said the other day that when she’s in a session with him and he talks about the things he thinks, they do sound reasonable but when I talk about the same thing, she can see how completely off base he is with what he thinks. Especially when it comes to me and what he thinks I’m thinking. Confusing I know.

Secondly, I don’t want to hurt him. I truly don’t. I would honestly get no pleasure in doing it. I would get some happiness in knowing that I wasn’t linked at the hip with him anymore, but hurting him emotionally in such a devastating way, oh god, I dread the thought.

Thirdly, I’m afraid that he’ll either do something to hurt himself or there may be some small possibility that he will physically hurt me. That might sound dramatic but if the first thing that I’m worried about where to happen then I could easily see it progressing to this, without a doubt. Plus, if he couldn’t me physically then he would do it emotionally by trying to take the kids away from me. He would absolutely go to court and tell them that I am a terrible mother in order to get them believing that by doing so I would take him back because I wouldn’t want to be without them. He did it once before, with Miss Independent, when she was about 18 months old and I did go back to him. So there is a precedent for this in his mind. The difference now is that all the kids are old enough to make up their own minds, I just can’t bear the thought of having to make them choose. What a disgusting and horrible thing for a child to have to do. It’s not fair.

Fourthly, I’m terrified I won’t be able to cope without him. I know that sounds stupid but I’ve had to rely on him for virtually everything for a very long time now. He has made it that way and now he complains and makes me feel bad for it. I don’t drive, I’d have to walk everywhere. What about The Bean Pole and his sport, I wouldn’t be able to get him there. He’d hate me for that, especially now that he’s gotten into State team. What if I can’t balance a budget anymore? I could years ago but I haven’t had to for so long, he’s taken all that over, completely fucked it all up, but taken it over none the less. What if I did just as bad a job as he does? If I did, he’s rub that in so badly, he’d never let me forget it. He’d tell me that I got rid of him because of money and then I couldn’t do it so I got rid of him for no reason.

By the end of my session with The Psych she was telling me to leave him. To leave the kids behind if need be and just go, get away from me. Go to a shelter, go anywhere but near him. I felt really bad for The Husband, because he likes her quite a lot I think and enjoys going to see her each week and here she is telling me to leave him, when he thinks that she is going to help us stay together and make it all okay again. I truly want to talk to him about how I’m feeling but if you were a fly on my wall you’d probably tell me not too. The thing is though, I don’t know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. I don’t want to do that to him either.

I have no desire for sex at all and as I’ve mentioned before he’s pretty keen on the whole thing. For him to get nothing all the time and I’m sure that when we do it’s not all that wonderful for him. I don’t think I’m any good at giving head and my hand jobs seem so awkward. I’m terrible at going on top for long periods because my legs get knackered. I’m not into kissing because I can’t stand the slobber on my face or the feeling of his tongue in my mouth (whether that boils down to kissing him specifically I don’t know because when I work super, mega hard at it I can kiss and feel a tiny bit turned on but I have to do some major mental gymnastics to make that happen). I’m easily embarrassed and incredibly self-conscious. Those things aren’t his fault, though he may have a wee bit to do with the last two. He tells me it’s all wonderful when I’m into it. It’s the quickies, where he can tell that I’m not hugely keen that he doesn’t like. I’m surprised that he hasn’t gotten rid of me yet, given all that! It would probably be a lot easier for me if he did. I know what your thinking, that’s why I’m not sleeping with him, so that he’ll hate me and leave. No, that is definitely not the case. I’ve thought long and hard about that because he thinks I deliberately withhold it because he won’t do what I want or whatever. I swear that I don’t do that. That would be an incredibly cruel thing to do.

I’ve just realised how long this post has gotten! I put that note in at the top just now, so I’ll stop. I don’t think I have much more to talk about right now anyway. Oh, my uni stuff has, to some degree gone all pear shaped. I’ll try and come back over the next few days and fill you in on the good and the bad.

It’s Happening Again

2010-05-31T10:02:00.001+09:30

Everything was going on fairly well I thought. In the last month the focus that I had has worn off and I’ve been pushing through it to keep studying, it’s not been easy but it’s been working so far. The fact that I’ve decided not to put up with The Husband and his crap has actually made me feel really good about myself, probably for the first time in a long time, even though it makes everyday life here pretty difficult at the best of times. I thought, no matter what happens, I can do all this. I won’t feel shitty, I will focus on where I plan to go and let that keep me going.

As usual though, it hasn’t turned out that way. For the last five or so mornings, as soon as my brain focuses in the morning, my first thought is, “I don’t want to do this anymore. Any of it.” I just want to close my eye’s and not have them open ever again. I close them and pray that I’ll have a massive heart attack or something. So far it hasn’t happened. I’m still fucking here.

Nothing that I can think of has caused this shift. I started to sleep in again, which I didn’t want to be doing. I pushed myself to get up and there I was sitting having a cup of tea and this huge weight just seemed to fall over me. It was almost a physical feeling. I decided I wasn’t going to let that feeling stay, I was going to get rid of it. I went and sat here at the computer and started reading and researching for my History essay. It worked for a little while. I went to my friends place for a bit too. That all seemed to work for a bit. Then by the end of the day, when there was nothing else to do, there it was. Still there. It hadn’t gone at all. I couldn’t even bring myself to go and have a shower. The thought of it just seemed like too much. Everything seemed like to much. It still does. I’m afraid that the motivation I had to keep studying is gone now. That by the time it comes back it will be too late.

I hate this. I hate it. Why do I have to feel like this. Why can’t the normal feelings, the focus, just be the way I am. Why? Why do I have to keep doubting myself. Fuck.

Psychologist #2

2010-05-27T19:03:00.001+09:30

It feels like it was an age ago that I had my first appointment with The Psych. I’ve been looking forward to it and also dreading it at the same time, for what reason, I don’t know.

Today’s appointment went forever! I didn’t realise until she said what the time was that I’d been sitting there for almost 2 hours. Even after she told me the time, we still talked for another 15 minutes or so. The Husband was very surprised at how long I’d been in there. Normally he’s there for at a minimum an hour at the most an hour and a half.

She’s given me some good pointers on how to deal with The Husband and things that he says. Like when he tells me that I don’t care about him or I don’t do this or do that, to give him evidence, something tangible which proves that what he’s saying is complete rubbish. Also when he’s harping on about stuff to not bite, not react and get into one of those ‘blame game’ fights, which I hate doing anyway. In our case it always starts with him telling me what I do wrong, then I tell him that I react/behave/do that because of what he’s done and it just goes around in circles like that for ages. It’s pointless and it gets nowhere in a hurry. What I have been doing, in not saying anything when he goes on about everything, is the right way to deal with it. Doing anything else just ends in argument. I’d been keeping quiet on issues because I wanted to spend some time thinking about what I was going to say, rather than just reacting to everything. He of course took that as me ignoring him, not caring etc. Like I said to her though, there are times when I honestly don’t have anything to say in response to him. I don’t feel I should or even need to say anything every time that he talks. She also said a lot of things that you guys (especially you Sb) have been saying and my neighbour friend have been saying too. In relation to his feeling intimidated by my studying, by the fact that I’m probably smarter than he is, that if he doesn’t grow with me then I’m going to outgrow him and eventually leave because I won’t be able to take how he is anymore.

The question was raised about how I’m going to cope trying to study when he’s going to be seeing me doing that from a variety of perspectives, none of them being good. Will I be able withstand it and continue? My response was that I’m going to have to. If I want to do this, actually start it and finish it and then go on to work in the field that I choose, then I don’t have any other choice but to put up with whatever he dishes out. The way she described it was to not play the game. If he starts then ignore him. Its like it is with kids, if you don’t react then they can’t keep going because nobody is reacting. Like when he goes to bed at night and the way he makes it seem is that I have to go with him because he can’t sleep if I’m not there with him. So I tell him, that’s really nice that you sleep better when I’m there but I’m not ready to go to bed yet so you’ll just have to get over it. So off he goes, then in about 15 minutes or so, he’ll get up and come out to the kitchen to get a drink or something and then go back to bed again. He’ll keep doing that for as long as it takes me to get sick of it and cave in and go to bed or he can’t keep doing it anymore and eventually falls asleep. She told me that when he does things like to ignore him. Don’t pay any attention to him whatsoever. If I do then I’m playing the game and he’s getting what he wants plus he probably gets some sort of joy in watching me suffer. He’ll do that sort of thing and a hundred times worse while I study and some how or another I’m going to have to deal with it.

What worries me though is that I’ve wanted to study for as long as I can remember. I’ve always put it off because of The Husband and how I knew he’d react to it all. I tried a few years ago, doing the same course that I’m doing now. I stopped partly because of me and partly because of him. I’m really worried that I’m going to cave in again. Not just because of him but because it all gets too hard. Trying to organise getting into a degree course, getting books, finding time to study and putting up with all his shit. The years that it’s going to take to do it all. I just don’t know if I’m absolutely 100% prepared for it all. Whether I can go from just talk to actual action. I pray to the Goddess (or any other higher being that might be listening) that I can, I truly do. I don’t want to end up being an old lady and have achieved absolutely nothing in my life. The Psych said having kids is a huge achievement, something to be proud of. I know that, but I want them to see that you don’t just have to sit at home all the time. That studying and working are good things, important things. It might be a bit late to show/teach them that considering the oldest is 17 and the littlest is 10 but I can still try can’t I? It’s not too late is it? It’s not like I’ve lived in a normal situation where the only thing between me and study is me.

We talked about my bipolar II diagnoses as well. Whether it’s accurate, what it means for me, how it impacts on my relationship with The Husband in particular. How it does and can affect my life, particularly if I want to study. It could prove to be a huge factor in whether I can keep up the level of focus that is needed to do a six year degree. Focusing is not one of my strong suits. I get into something and then the motivation or whatever you call it just disappears and I hit rock bottom again, until the next time and then I’m focused on something different. Doing that is not conducive to study. She dragged out the DSM-IV TR and went through some of the information about bipolar II. It is pretty confusing because it’s not the same as ‘normal’ bipolar and it has traces of cyclothymia in it too but it’s not cyclothymia. She’s given me a couple of psych tests to do (which reminds me, I want to look one of them up) and she has one specifically for bipolar but she needs to find it, so I may end up doing that one too. Like I said to her, I’m going to be really pissed if it turns out I don’t have it! Having gone through all this shit since getting the diagnoses, learning to live with it, everything, to then find out that it was all bullshit, oh I can’t even tell you how ticked off I’ll be!

I think that about covers it really. We talked about some other things, like the kids and all that. About me having friends, which I don’t, mainly because The Husband wrecks them if I try. Just little things like that. I’m not sure why it went so long though. I have to go back in a week’s time, rather than two weeks like before. She talks about how it’s all going to take time, a lot of time, which I completely understand, but what happens when our ‘free’ time runs out? What then? Are we going to just be left in the lurch? More to the point, is The Husband going to be left ‘half fixed’ so to speak? That’s a huge concern to me right now. I’m hoping that she either likes us enough to continue regardless or that we can make some kind of arrangement, I don’t know. I’ll guess we’ll see when the time comes.

The Husband goes weekly too now. I’m not sure how often I’m going to get the time to post about his sessions, even if he does tell me all that goes on, but I will make the effort. It always makes me feel good when I write this stuff down. I feel a little lighter, mentally. I’m sure there’s going to more of what we spoke about that I’ll remember over the next few days. I tend to take a while to focus on it all and work it all through, it can be very overwhelming when I first leave her office. I like they are lengthy appointments though, I feel like something has been discussed or achieved when I leave and in the end, that’s what I want. I want a way to deal with all this. Whether that means we stay together or we don’t, I don’t know, but in the mean time, I need to be able to cope. I need to be able to make a life and cope while I do it. I can only do so much on my own before I know I’ll just give in and I don’t want to give in this time. Not at all.

His Appointment #2

2010-05-24T12:12:00.001+09:30

As I mentioned the other day, The Husband had his second appointment late last week sometime with The Psych.

I’ve decided that I’m not going to ask him a ton of questions about his sessions, if he wants to tell me he will, other than that, I’m just going to leave it alone. Mainly because I don’t know if a particular session is going to cover things that he thinks are wrong or not. I’m sure if she says anything that ticks him off, he’ll tell me without a doubt. In fact, I’ll probably be expected to back him up and tell him that she’s wrong.

This what I think they talked about, based on what he has said.

He made a comment that what he thinks is happening or is true isn’t necessarily the case, that his thoughts are irrational. Shit, I’ve been telling him that for years! I know, sometimes it takes someone else saying it before it seems real, I get that, still, it’s a bit annoying to have him suddenly say it like it’s the truth after one time. Whether he remembers that every time he thinks something that is ridiculous, I don’t know, we’ll just have to wait and see I suppose.

She told him that I do love him. This is true. I just wish I knew what sort of love it is. That ‘my heart skips a beat’ type thing doesn’t seem to be there anymore. I’ve tried finding it I’m just not sure where it went. Just lately, it seems I’m more apathetic towards him than anything else. After that it’s annoyance. When I see him do nice things with, to or for the kids though I get a little internal smile…

They talked about his colitis. Apparently she has a Crohn’s Disease and she spoke about the effects it has on her life and things she does to relieve some of the symptoms. Stress is one of the major factors and The Husband is under a lot of that lately. According to him though, I don’t give a shit that I’m causing him all this stress and making his colitis worse.

She also said that she’s going to challenge him on things. That the sessions are going to get difficult. He responded that he wants that, that he can’t get better if it doesn’t happen. I’m still going to employ a ‘we’ll wait and see’ mentality on that one.

He’ll be seeing her weekly from now on. After our allowed sessions are up though I’m not sure what will happen. At the moment we are covered by Medicare, so we don’t have to pay anything but when that’s up and the visits are around $300 each, well, we can’t afford that. Not even a little tiny bit.

I’m also worried that even though he’s doing all this work, what if at the end of the day I don’t want to be with him anymore? My friend is convinced that I’ve outgrown him and that it’s only a matter of time before I ask him to leave. Will all the work that he’s done be completely wasted? Will he try and do something to me? I know he’ll try and take the kids away from me.

Speaking of that, he asked me the other day whether Miss Independents boyfriend had ever said anything along the lines of ‘I’ll die if you leave me’ or ‘I’ll kill myself if you leave’. Something that makes her feel obligated to stay. He then said that The Psych told him that could be what is keeping her there. I was absolutely dumbfounded! He has said that if he didn’t have the kids and I then he wouldn’t want to live, that he might even kill himself because he’d have nothing to live for. He told my mother that if I left then he’d take the kids because he’s the one that does everything anyway. How is any of that different from what he’s asking about Miss Independents boyfriend?

I’ve got my next appointment with The Psych this week, so I’ll try and post about how it all goes sooner than I did last time, that’s if I get an opportunity between trying to study and not study too much.

Psychologist #1

2010-05-17T09:01:00.001+09:30

It seems like she’s going to be an important person in our lives for the foreseeable future so I figure it wouldn’t be a bad thing to write up a bit of a debrief every time I go and visit her. I might try and do it when The Husband goes too, depending on what he tells me about it all.

I shall call her The Psych. It’s got to be better than just writing ‘she’ all the time or typing out the entire word.

I wasn’t sure if I’d like her when I first saw her, just that whole first impression thing. Except for a couple of things, overall she seems to be quite nice. She (I’m writing ‘she’ all the time anyway…grr…) has an issue I think with me having children as young as I did. Her tone would change and her voice would rise when she spoke of the negative effect it’s had (according to her) on my life. She also disputes my psychiatrists diagnoses of Bipolar II. It turns out she doesn’t know very much about BP II anyway so I don’t place a lot of weight on that at the moment. I have a document that my mothers psychiatrist gave her about BP II which I think I’ll either take in or drop off for her too read. When my mother read it she said it a whole lot of things started to make sense in relation to me. So I think I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with her on that point.

We began by talking about the general stuff – mother, father, that sort of thing. The termination I had, when I met The Husband, getting pregnant with Miss Independent. The meds that I’ve taken for the bipolar which I’ve stopped because I hate the way they make me feel.

My anger. She thinks it all relates to The Husband and the situation I find myself in based on the way he treats me. Consequently I’m pissed off (her words) all the time. She definitely has a point and I agree with her on it however there is more to it than that. Even when I’m feeling everything is fine with him and we are getting along brilliantly I’m still angry for now apparent reason at all. I’ve gotten very good at controlling it but it doesn’t mean that I don’t get past a point still. Like I explained to her, I don’t smack for my children because I’m petrified that if I do I’ll get so angry I won’t be able to control myself and I’ll hurt them. So when they really upset me and I want to smack them I have to walk away and I do. I don’t have a choice. I’m sure we’ll go over that all again at a later date though. I want her to understand that there are things that are a part of me that can’t be directly attributable to The Husband.

We talked about my going to uni and she said no matter what that I should go. I should make sure that I go. She actually said “He’ll try to sabotage you.” I was completely shocked that she said that. I mean I knew that was going to be the case but the fact that someone else besides me put it so bluntly completely blew me away. While talking about going to uni and the length of time that it takes she spoke (and she freely admitted this) as if I were single. How she had done it as a single parent on the pension working semi-part time to pay for the text books. She apologised for speaking that way and that she didn’t mean anything by it but still, it was a little strange.

Overall, it was much better than I expected. At one point she, after I told her how The Husband had said to me that he didn’t want me walking out on him and the kids like his mother did, to which I replied that I wouldn’t be going anywhere, he’d be the one to leave, that she was glad that he hadn’t completely killed all of me and I still had some of what makes me, me left.

My next appointment is next week and The Husbands is today, so I will try and keep you up to date on how it’s all progressing. Oh, if there is anything that you think I should bring up based on what you’ve read here then please, let me know. I’m thinking of making a bit of a list of issues that I feel need addressing, in relation to The Husband and I, as well as just me personally. If I don’t do something like that I know I’ll forget what it was that I wanted to talk about when I get there, I always do!

Nothing to Say Really

2010-05-09T17:21:00.001+09:30

I’m not sure why I’m posting to be quite honest. I don’t have a huge amount to say at the moment.

Tomorrow its my turn with the psychologist. The Husband has his last Thursday. I want to go, because it’s something different and maybe it will help to get things sorted out but part of me just doesn’t give a shit. I’m so resigned to the fact that nothing is ever going to be different. Plus, I feel little sympathy for The Husband and what he’s going through.

I know that sounds terribly harsh but it’s the truth. From my perspective, it’s like he’s spent all these years wallowing in his shit and making everyone else unhappy for it. Wallowing is fine, taking it out on others is fine too sometimes. To do it for so long though and not once listen to people who tell they care and think you need to do something about it all is just bullshit as far I’m concerned. He had my sympathy but he just crapped all over it and now it suits him to deal with it he wants it back again.

I need to get past this anger. I really do. Maybe that is what the psychologist will help me do. Maybe she’ll even tell me if it’s worth it or even possible to get past it. The Husband really liked her from what he said. I’ve got a feeling that doesn’t bode well for me. If she was being truly genuine with him then I may not like her. I got the feeling that she was playing to him. Mirroring him in a way. The way he spoke and acted she copied in an effort to make him comfortable. I’m probably over analysing it though…surprise, surprise! If that is the case though, she’ll more than likely do the same thing to me too.

I don’t know what I’ll say when I’m sitting there. I’m not sure what the point is for me, personally. Is just to learn to deal with The Husband? Is it to help me fix my marriage? Is to help me? Is it a combination of all of them and other things I haven’t got a clue about? Either way I’m sure I’ll write an absolute ton about it all when I get the chance too.

Before I go, you might have noticed that I’ve added a couple of things in my sidebar recently. I’ve found that when I can’t concentrate lately I like through images again so I’m trying to post more stuff on my Tumblr account and I’ve discovered a site called We Heart It which I also went and got myself an account for. Plus I decided to get a Formspring account too. Not sure why really, just felt like it. So if you want to know something, besides the blatantly obvious, like who I really am and related questions, then go ahead, ask away.

Critical thinking, French and Industrial Revolutions, Socialism and Feminism are currently calling, along with some maths crap too. I probably should listen to them all…

formspring.me

2010-05-07T17:31:00.001+09:30

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/emeraldyomi

It Was My Day & I’ll Do What I Want

2010-05-07T09:49:00.001+09:30

Technically, it was my birthday two days ago, Wednesday the 5th. Given our overall financial situation, I thought it better to just spend the day at home and not go out to a potentially expensive lunch or ask for presents that cost money we don’t have at the best of times. That might seem unfair and all that, but that is what I wanted for the day. In response, I got various comments/digs about how terrible I was being, how I was ruining the nice things that He wanted to do for me, why couldn’t I just suck it up and say thankyou, etc. etc. etc.

Not unreasonable comments. Not at all.

An example of why I feel the way that I do about this sort of thing. Why I get the guilt's about it all. Pretend that it’s our pay day, we go out and I see a book or a nice piece of clothing that I’d like to have. Nothing unreasonable in price, usually no more than $10 (Aussie dollars BTW) and I get it. Then, 3 days later we are completely broke. No money at all. The car is out of petrol, the kids need to get to school and sports, plus there’s all the usual stuff that money is required for. I, in turn, feel incredibly guilty for having spent that $10 on the book or the clothing because if I hadn’t, we’d still have that money to put to better use. Irrational, overly dramatic, childish even. Absolutely. But, that is how I feel and I can’t help it. I try not to feel shitty but I do. He will sometimes make comments that exacerbate that feeling too. I don’t give a stuff what he says, I know he’s doing it deliberately, just to watch me squirm. To watch me fly off the handle so that he can then tell me how ridiculous I’m being, how he doesn’t care that I bought a book or whatever, that he’ll buy me whatever I want…blah, blah, blah…

So when my birthday arrived I decided I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere or get any damm presents. And given that it was my birthday, that should be my right to have it that way.

Sidenote: I had my mum down the for the day and Miss Independent is back at home with her boyfriend and they both gave me a lovely card each and The Husband did get me some red carnations (we had white carnations and white roses for our wedding). I didn’t need more than that.

It’s In The Air

2010-05-03T14:29:00.001+09:30

I can feel it coming, I’m sure I can.

I can’t focus on anything at the moment. I have assignments due in the next day or two and I’ve barely started on one of them. There’s more due by the end of the week and again, I think I’ve started on one of them, just barely. I sit here staring at the books, at the computer screen and the whole lot is just not sinking in. It’s going straight through, leaving barely a trace of anything behind.

I’m feeling lethargic and numb. I’m going through little bursts of happiness but then crashing back down again harder than I probably should. The crashes are getting harder and heavier each time. The other day I spent all day just crying, over everything. I sat in the car for 25 minutes crying the entire time, I couldn’t stop. I managed to suck it up for about 1/2 an hour, then cried the whole way home.

I wake up every single morning with a mixture of hate, anger and disappointment flowing through me. I don’t want to get out of bed, I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up again. I do get up, walk aimlessly around the house then come and sit here and start staring at the books and the computer just hoping that inspiration will hit me and I can start working again and produce something, anything.

It doesn’t happen though. It’s been almost 5 days now that I’ve been doing this. In that time I’ve written the two paragraphs required for my English unit and I think they were terrible. It was some of the worst shit that I’ve ever written. Yet a week and a half ago I managed to produce one of the best pieces in the entire class, even I was impressed with what I did and I hate everything I do.

Something big is coming. I’m headed for a massive crash, I know it. I trying so hard though to find someway to avoid it. I can’t have it happen right now. I’ve got work to do and I can’t chuck this in again, I just can’t. If I do it will mean that I’ll always be a failure.

It’s like I’m swimming in a big sea of nothingness. I just wander around aimlessly at the moment. The Husband is back to complaining that I don’t show him I love him. I wish he would just shut up. I do love him. I think I do. I just don’t know anymore. It feels like I know absolutely nothing anymore.

I hate it when this shit happens. Why me? When I look around it feels like everyone is doing perfectly fine, getting on with life, doing something. I feel like I’m stuck, like I always will be, like nothing is going to change. Ever. I’m going go to through all this crap that I’m causing at the moment and nothing will be any different than what it’s always been.

It’s Going To Get Ugly

2010-04-29T08:40:00.001+09:30

I told him that I’ve been thinking and feeling about these things for a while now, it’s not just now that I’m saying them, so because of this he thinks that I must be talking to someone online (because I don’t have any friends in real life) who has been telling me that I should be feeling or thinking this way. Which is complete and utter rubbish. Other than writing my blog, all I do is my uni work. That’s it. There is one person I email when I get the chance but that has come about through me writing here. I write what I’m feeling, then people comment on that, not the other way around.

He’s starting to get nasty I think. Despite my telling him how I feel about sex at the moment, he keeps asking, putting me in the position where he has to know what my answer will be, therefore giving him the opportunity to tell me how awful and terrible that makes him feel, which makes me feel horrible and guilty. Am I just being paranoid in thinking that part of the reason he does that is because he knows I’ll feel bad at the end of it?

Last night I told him that part of the reason I feel the way that I do is because I have let myself be put into a situation where it’s acceptable for me to be told what to do. I never made any huge efforts to make it clear that it wasn't okay. I’ve already said this to him in the last few weeks. Last night though he turned it into me hating that I had the kids and that I’m a stay-at-home-mum (SAHM). I never said that, not once. How does he get that from what I said? Is that him trying to make me feel guilty for saying something, for feeling the way I do?

He keeps going on and on about how he’d do anything for me. That he’s there for me at my beck and call whenever I want him. To a large degree that is true. In the mornings he’ll make me a cup of tea if I want one. He’ll do lots of little things for me. I appreciate that, I really do. At the same time though he’s so good at laying on the guilt. Making all of us feel as if we are such a burden to him. When the kids want anything, like a lift to their friends house so they can sleep over, he goes on and on about how he does everything for everyone, how we never appreciate it, we don’t care, we take him for granted, how it’s so difficult to fit everything in. He does this pretty much every single time. What the fuck are we supposed to think?! That he loves us so much and would do anything for us? How can we truly believe all this when that’s what he does when we ask him to do something simple like going to the shop? He’s the one with the license, the car. I don’t have a license. He complains that he has to take the kids to school everyday. What am I supposed to do, walk them there while he sits here with the car?

I love our kids, I truly do. I didn’t want to bring them into the world if we couldn’t afford to look after them though. He said that he would work and I would stay at home with the kids. He’s spent more time not working than he has working. Why? I don’t fucking know! Since he got stabbed, things got much worse. He’s hurt his back quite badly since then too. I’m not unsympathetic to that but for crying out loud, it’s not like there aren’t people out there with all sorts of physical and mental issues that still work. I get that it’s going to be hard to find work that pays enough to support us all but fuck, he could try. There’s bound to be something.

He’s going through a lot right now. He’s copping it from me and he’s tyring to work through all the shit that has made him the person that he is. I understand that must be amazingly difficult for him because he’s tried for so long to bury it all. The hard part for me is because I’m so angry and resentful at the moment he’s expecting me to make him feel better through it all, to support him I suppose. I want to in a way but I just can’t. Does that make sense? I listen to him to talk about it all, I give him advice and try and help in that way, I’m just not sure I can give much more than that right now. It sounds cruel but there is a big portion of what he says that I just want to say “Get over it will you!” Like his mother and father splitting up and the fact that his mother wasn’t particularly gracious of their Dad. The fact that she went out a lot and met a lot of different guys. I can sympathise with all that, my mother did a similar thing but fuck, to let it ruin your entire life, why? Why can’t he just think logically about it. Realise that people do things and they suck but you have to move on, you have to get over it. I think he’s relying on his mother to admit that what she did was wrong to be able to get over it all. That’s probably not going to happen, she may not even think that way. Its like when he has an issue, he expects everyone else to do something in order for it to be better for him. It doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t.

He wants me to ‘talk’ to him. This is a perfect example of why I don’t want to. When I was going through a really low period a while ago, I decided to talk to him, whereas usually I talk to no one. I told him that I have suicidal thoughts. His way of dealing with it was to tell me that he didn’t want to go anywhere because he thought they’d come to a “blood bath”, his words. All he could go on about was how what I said affected him and the kids, how it could affect them. How horrible it made him feel. Last night he reiterated this. In my own words: “Here I am going through all this and you don’t do anything, when I held your hand through everything, when I couldn’t go out because I thought I’d come back to a blood bath…” His idea of holding my hand was telling me that my psychiatrist was an idiot and didn’t know what he was talking about and that I shouldn’t got there anymore, that the meds were stupid and didn’t work. That there was nothing wrong with. How is that ‘holding my hand’? Seriously. When I say things that show my concern for him: “Do you think that all the tablets you take are a good idea? They could be causing you more damage than good, you could becoming addicted to them, maybe you should see about trying something different?” According to him, it’s just a passing comment.

…the next day…

I apologised to being a bit too nasty a one point yesterday, then I went and gave him a hug and told him that I do love him. Which I do. Since then, he’s been all over me and frankly, it’s annoying me. Does that make me a horrible person? Every time he get’s close to me I just feel all the anger and resentment well up and I want to get away as fast as I can. That must make me a terrible person, it must.

Gray was right, I feel like my emotions are sitting on the fence right now. I just can’t seem to work out what side I want to be on more. Sb is right too, what if I do pick a side and then I regret it for the rest of my life? What then? I hate getting up in the morning now. I loathe it. I can’t concentrate to study any more, every time I sit down I just get confused and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I have a maths assignment due but I’m stuck on a couple of parts and I can’t get it together enough to get past it. I’ve got to organise the exam for maths too and I’m petrified because I know I’m going to fail it, I just know it. It just feels like it’s all too much. There’s a part of me that feels like this is what He wanted too. For me to get so stressed out that I couldn’t study anymore. I don’t know if what I think when it comes to Him is true or not or whether I’m just over-reacting and seeing too much into everything.

I just want it all to stop.

What Do I Want?

2010-04-24T03:39:00.001+09:30

That is such a good question but you know what? I just can’t seem to answer it lately. I truly can’t. I feel fucking conflicted right now. (BTW, I only use the F word when I’m writing because I really want to make a point, not just for the sake of using it or even for shock value.)

It’s like there is two emotional sides competing inside me at the moment. After all this time The Husband has finally worked out that we could be headed for disaster if things don’t dramatically improve. He’s trying to work on things, including himself, which I’m really happy with, for both Him and I. I’m happy that maybe He won’t keep treating me the way that He does and I’m happy for Him in that He may finally work through some of the crap that makes Him the way He is. Having said all that though, there is a part of me that just doesn’t care anymore. I’m over it all. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m just too angry, frustrated, fed up, tired and drained of everything that I had to give. It feels as if I’ve spent years giving all that I’ve got to Him in an effort to please Him. There are parts of me that I think I wouldn’t have minded in keeping but I got rid of them because He didn’t like them. I allowed Him to think it was okay to do most of the stuff that He’s done. There is a part of me that has grown to resent Him. To not want to be around Him anymore.

There is the other part of me that wants to make things work. I don’t believe in just getting divorced because you can. Not trying as hard as you possibly can before even going down that path. I want to try so badly, for me, Him, us and the kids. I’m just in this place right now where it feels like I have nothing left to give. Does that make sense? It’s like He woke up one day and suddenly realised that there was more to my unhappiness than just being bipolar. It had to do with Him and His entire attitude. Then He decided that He doesn’t want to lose me or the kids and so He wants to work on us and Himself, so of course I’m expected to immediately jump with joy and start doing the same thing. I can’t. I feel like I’ve spent so fucking long trying and where I am right now is where it’s gotten me. Is this understandable do you think? Am I being unreasonable here? Seriously, if you think I am, whether I want to hear it or not, please tell me.

We are going around in circles at the moment. Everyday He brings up the same shit, over and over again. I don’t always respond to what He has to say. I prefer to take my time and think over what I have to say, make sure it’s what I really mean, not just something off the cuff, apt to hurt Him because I’m feeling angry or upset at the time. He has a tendency to twist things that I say and turn then into something they aren’t, so I think it’s important that I say exactly what I mean, leave nothing to chance. I’m not always ready to say what I truly think either. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. Most of the time I end up saying nothing at all. I think about it for a while then I’ll say something. For a little while now He’s been going on about the same thing, as I said, and the other night (so about 2 1/2 days ago I think) I told Him what I thought. He’s still going on about it, as if I said nothing at all. I can’t even tell you how much this is pissing me off! He keeps telling me I won’t talk yet when I do it’s like He’s not even listening to me. I can’t help but think it’s because He’s not hearing what He wants to hear, so He keeps going in the hopes that I’ll finally cave in and just give Him what He wants. Well fuck that! I’m determined not to.

One of His big complaints is that I don’t show Him that I love Him. I can absolutely see where He’s coming from. At the moment I don’t and I probably haven’t for a while now. I don’t think I’ve ever shown Him in the way he wants me to. It all seems to come down to how He wants things to be. Similar to what I said above, I don’t have it in me to be affectionate right now. I don’t want to be. I know that’s not necessarily fair on Him but I’m not sure what else to do. For me it all comes back to all that I’ve done for all these years and ended up hitting a brick wall. Instead of trying to break through the wall now I’m looking to either go around it or just walk away from it.

Of course sex is a big issue for Him. Again, I can understand that. It must feel terrible from his perspective. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to have sex with Him anymore but the predominant feeling is that I don’t want to have sex at all. If I get an overwhelming urge of any kind, which is pretty rare, then I’d rather just deal with it myself. It’s not that the sex we do have is terrible or anything like that. I orgasm pretty much every single time, whether there is any foreplay or not. I don’t always want foreplay, sometimes I just want the main event and that’s it. There is hardly ever a time where I don’t end up getting some enjoyment out of it. I’m not sure what makes me feel the way I do. I just don’t have any interest. I don’t even know where to begin in sorting that out. A few years back, not long after I started this blog, I had a huge desire. We had Cherry as part of the equation and it seriously turned me on. Even without her around though I felt the most into it all for the first time in a very long time. I was desperately hoping it would last forever but it didn’t. Eventually the desire disappeared and I was back where I started. I don’t want to have to try and find some other girl to bring into our bedroom to get my groove back on again. As it stands though, I don’t give a shit that I don’t want it. At this exact point in time I couldn’t care less. It’s horrible to have to admit but it’s true.

So the question is asked every single day, repeatedly, What do I want? I haven’t got a damm clue! I don’t know even know where to begin to work it out. All I care about at the moment is studying. I know I’ll fail the maths unit (I am trying) but I’m hoping to do amazing on everything else and then get into the course I want and then in 3, 4 or even 5 years get the job I want and finally start getting this family on track. Beyond that…no idea whatsoever. The part that wants to work things through is out and proud some days, others it’s hidden away and I can barely find a piece of it to remember that it exists. How the hell am I supposed to tell Him what I want when I don’t know. He asks me as if it’s the simplest thing in the world to tell Him when it’s not. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

I Just Don’t Know

2010-04-17T04:29:00.002+09:30

WARNING: This is another of my Epic posts. So if your kind of busy, you might want to just open me up in another tab and pop back later when you’ve got some time to waste…which you’ll never, ever get back again.

…12th April, 2010…
(or there about’s)

We talked…again, yesterday.

It feels like that’s all I’m doing lately, is having a ton of D & M’s then shifting brain gears to try and study, which is proving really difficult now with all that’s going on.

We kissed and had sex in the shower too, neither of which we’ve done in a while…for a variety of reasons. I can’t seem to bring myself to call it ‘making love’ like they do in movies and like He did yesterday. To me, it’s just sex. I know my view of sex is incredibly skewed and not at all healthy. There are a lot of things that I’ve been able to work on by myself over the years but my issues with sex are something I’ve never quite been able to repair.

…a couple of days later…

I ran out of both privacy and internet, consequently this post has sat here for at least a couple of days now.

I’m still not sure what to write really. It’s been a very odd couple of weeks in a way.

While I’m seriously sick to death of the in depth, emotional conversations, I know that it’s important that we have them.

I’m proud of myself for being almost 100% honest with Him about how I’m feeling. For me to do that with Him is a big deal. He’s always gotten so angry if my feelings are anything other than what He expects, so usually I say very little in relation to the two of us and just keep things on a very basic level – stuff to do with the kids and the like, rather than telling Him that it’s His freaky, paranoid, controlling bullshit is what is really bothering me.

This time though I have said it, without beating around the bush very much either, only a tiny little bit. I’ve told him that I’m sick of being told what I can and can’t do, having to answer for where I am and what I’m doing, not having friends, not having a life of my own that is independent but still parallel with this family. I really, actually said that I was disgusted with myself for allowing Him to do that and not doing anything to stop it or make Him understand that His doing that isn’t acceptable.

…almost 4am on the day after…

I’m trying desperately to study, I have a couple of things that are due and I’m barely through them. I just can’t seem to get it together now.

We had a mid-semester break which went for a week and because I told Him that was on he assumed that I would not be doing any study at all and so when I did he got the shits up and so I slacked off for that week. When I say he got the shits up I mean he made some stupid comment after trying to be all interested and I completely lost it – yelling, swearing and walking out. Now, I can’t get it together properly. I get nervous every time I even think about doing any work let alone actually sitting down to do it.

So I think I was bragging about how proud I was for saying what I’ve been thinking for a very long time now. I am proud of myself. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted. I’m not waking up depressed and angry all the time. Sure, I’ve still got the migraines going on but I’m pretty used to them by now. Laughing with The Bean Pole which we rarely do, spending a lot of talking through all sorts of things with The Little Princess and even some sweet moments with The Little Prince have all been a part of my days lately.

For quite some time now I’ve been so switched off to everyone and everything. I thought it was just The Husband but if I’m honest with myself (which I try and make a point of being, even I don’t like what I have to say about myself), I’ve definitely dimmed the lights when it comes to the kids too. I’m there for the important stuff but everything else I just stopped paying attention and crawled into myself. Again with the honesty, it doesn’t actually bother me that I’ve tuned out The Husband but the kids, well that’s a different story. I shouldn’t have done that.

Without being totally blunt with them, I’ve tried apologising for it as much as I can. I’ve always made a point of being as honest, in an age appropriate way, with the kids as I can. Even when it comes to things they see between The Husband and I. Some of the dodgy things The Husband does too. How else am I going to get them to understand that what they see from the two biggest role models in their life isn’t always the right, best or even moral way to do things in life? Fuck, I hate having to admit all that. Being mother is so important to me and I hate, hate it with a passion when I screw it up because of the choices that I’ve, or The Husband has made, coming back to bite us in the ass.

So, The Husband, after listening to me the other day has gotten incredibly…clingy…that’s the only word I can think of. It’s almost like He’s going to the other extreme now in an effort to make me happy. The stupid thing is, it doesn’t really make me happy. I must be the hardest to please person on the bloody earth! The thing is, when we talked the other day (I’m not sure if I’ve covered this bit or not already, so forgive me if I’m going over old ground here) He bought up some stuff that happened when we Miss Independent was just a baby, around a year old. It was stuff that I did. I messed up in a massive way. The only justification (that word is going to come back and bite me in a sec) I have for it is that I had left at the time (for the first part of it) and I was about 17 at the time. The other thing I did was not long after I had come back I think and so I was maybe the same age or just a bit older.

None of that excuses what I did and I’ve never denied it, except for one thing. I’m not sounding very good here am I? The point I’m trying to make is that for the last 16 years I’ve been making up for it. I’ve not done a single thing to warrant His controlling nature or His mistrust. I’ve worked hard to repair the damage I did. He used all this as a justification for the way He acts, along with things he experienced in his childhood. While I sympathise greatly with all this, I don’t see why I have to keep paying for it, especially when the majority of it all doesn’t actually have anything to do with me in the first place.

I told Him this, in a much nicer way of course. I also explained how I’m not responsible for His happiness. Sure, I’m a part of it, just like He’s a part of me occasionally, or the kids are huge part of mine, but it’s not up to them to make me happy, does that make sense? They make me happy for who they are, not because I ask them to be people they aren’t in an effort to conform to my ideal’s and therefore make me happy. This is what He does when it comes to me and pretty much everyone else He supposedly loves. The fact he was able to justify his behaviour, even after telling me he was willing to accept responsibility for a chunk of our problems, tells me that just maybe he doesn’t really get it. So when he’s being all…clingy and overly nice, I can’t help but think it’s all a little…fake.

Where I’m At

2010-04-07T18:37:00.001+09:30

This post of no other purpose really than than to put in the Technorati claim code that is required for verification. I’m not sure if I could change the font colour to white and it would still be able to read it so I’ll just do it in the most newbie way possible.

I did think that it might be a good idea to put something else in here besides that so I thought I’d mention that I’m on twitter and on Facebook too, though I’m not sure about the Facebook address, I’m crap at using FB but hey, if your not and feel like having another ‘friend’ then by all means, do add me. :)

Right, that about covers that.

I’ve got some thoughts on another post but I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be able to get it written or even up at this stage, things are a little weird around here right now.

6ZE5EYPZ6KW6

I’m Not Sure

2010-04-03T18:36:00.001+10:30

Before heading into what I’m sure is going to be a fairly incoherent post, I just wanted to let readers know that I am reading the comments that are left, I just don’t have the time right to respond to them all individually, like I usually do and enjoy doing. Sb, your thoughts are always incredibly appreciated and you’d be surprised at how much they echo my own most of the time.

It is tempting to tell him to get his shit together or her can get out but I don’t want that to happen, despite all the problems we have. Funnily enough I have bought up the subject of him doing something for himself, even before I started my course. He’s always been into martial arts, so I suggested that he get back into doing some BJJ or even go fishing more often, things he can do for himself and also get some time away from all of us as well. He just fobs it all off, or in the case of the fishing, complains about not having the time to do it. He does have the time for god’s sake! I don’t particularly want to go fishing every single time he might and so therefore he doesn’t go, as if he simply can’t function if I’m not there to hold his hand. It drives me nuts.

He has developed an interesting in guns though. Oh what joy that is! I hate them. I see the purpose of them, I understand the use of them in the right context but I don’t see why the average citizen needs to own them. I get the whole hobby aspect but why must they be kept in our home? I don’t want them around the kids. He keeps them safely, that is not an issue in any way, I just don’t want them here, particularly in my damn bedroom! Not to mention the cost involved in it all. There’s the license fees, the cost of the gun itself (he’s into shotguns at the moment), the cost of somewhere to safely store them, the ammunition, the fees for having to do a certain number of shoots per year to keep the license. It all adds up and we just don’t have the money. Not even a little bit of it. He’s not working because of various issues, I’m not working because of my own shit, we don’t have any spare money. I’m doing this course (which is free) so that I can get into a ‘real’ course and then hopefully get a bloody good job and actually make enough money to live on comfortably each week. I don’t know, I’m just rambling really…

We haven’t argued too much in the last few days, though there have a been a couple of disagreements in the last couple of weeks. At this exact moment I’m feeling very…empty. I think that is how I would describe it. It’s like I just don’t care about anything at the moment. I’m in a routine of getting up and spending the day studying and fitting bits of housework in around all that. Going into the lounge in the evenings and watching some of the TV shows that I like and then going to bed. In the midst of all that I’m trying to make sure that I don’t spend too much time studying, that I talk to The Husband enough and go into enough detail regarding what I’m doing, that I make sure I make the effort to touch him in one way or another. I sound terrible I know. I can sympathise where he’s coming from in respect to me not being very affectionate, truly, I can. The thing is, I just don’t want to be. At the moment I can’t help but see a person who is always watching over me and telling me what I should/shouldn’t be doing whenever I look at him. It’s not exactly conducive to the giving of affection. I suppose that is my problem though, something I’m going to need to work on. I will. I just don’t want to right now.

I feel as if I’m always working on some aspect of me. I don’t know have a clue who I truly am anymore. I have some idea, sure, but overall, I just don’t know. I haven’t known in a long time. I’ve spent so many of the last 20 years modifying me to fit in with what he wants that I’ve lost any semblance of who I used to be. I don’t know what I could have grown into.

This is just stupid. I don’t know why I bothered to try and put a post together. All I’m doing is babbling and wasting everyone’s time, which could be better spent reading the thousands of other blog’s that put up posts today that are logical and about something!

Maybe next time I’ll have something decent to say…

It Was Only A Matter of Time

2010-03-25T18:21:00.001+10:30

I don’t have a lot of time today so I’m going to keep this as short and as sweet as I’m capable of doing, which isn’t generally very short or probably very sweet either. Let me start by saying, Slim blue, your either a mind reader or know me and my life very, very well. :)

I knew it was coming, it was bound to happen eventually. Doing this course full time means I’m spending pretty much all day and most of the evening studying to keep up. I have to or I’ll get behind and then I’ll fail. As I’ve mentioned I find the maths quite difficult and so I spend an inordinate amount of time on it, re-reading pages over and over again hoping against hope that something will sink in. It means that I spend the rest of the week trying to catch up on the other subjects and so that’s even more time spent studying.

When i realised how much time I was spending each day on my work I just knew it was only a matter of time before The Husband kicked up a fuss about it. I’ve been waiting for it to happened for at least a week now. I’m surprised that it took him until last night to finally say something. I have to give him credit for holding out for as long as he did.

We go to bed and he starts. All about how lonely he is, how deprived he is, how unloved he feels, how we all take him for granted and we just don’t care about him, I don’t care about him or how he’s feeling. That all I care about is studying. That’s all I do. I don’t talk, I don’t pay attention, I just ignore him. I’ve simplified this all obviously and made him sound a little more whiney that what he probably did sound, but that’s essentially what his problem his. Surprise, surprise.

I wish I had a recorder or something so that I could play back the conversation/argument/discussion to hear what we both said and see whether what I think it correct or not, or whether I do take things out of context or not. The worst part is, for me is that I had a small discussion with The Little Princess, which I hate doing because these aren’t her problems. She see’s what’s going on though and she knows and sometimes I’ll ask her if I’m just being paranoid or not and today she told me that I’m not, that what I’m feeling in regards to his reaction to my study is right. I didn’t go into details with her, I wouldn’t in a million years but she’s not stupid and I feel it’s important for me to explain things to her, at age appropriate level. I wish she didn’t have to see all this crap though. It would be nice if she could see her father just support me in the way that she does. I’m so lucky to have her.

Getting sidetracked here…
After going over a thousand things for the millionth time I finally just blurted out that I’m sick of feeling like I’m a possession not a wife and that I always feel like I’m having to answer to a father figure for everything that I do or would like to do. I was shocked by what I said because it’s probably the most direct that I’ve been when speaking about that particular issue for quite some time. I have raised it in the past, a number of times in varying degrees but I don’t think I’ve ever been quite so blunt or harsh about it before. Without any prompting or discussion from me my girls have told me many times that their father acts like he owns me rather than loves me sometimes. I’ve also had other people, friends that we’ve had over the years tell the same thing and I know that we’ve lost friends and I’ve certainly lost potential friends over his behaviour, so it’s not just me thinking this or feeling this way. Everyone we’ve ever known and currently do know would say the same thing, even his own friends probably would.

He took it quite well considering. He said, with a hint of attitude (I’m not sure how to describe) “What do you want me to do to make things better?” Or something along those lines. I almost screamed! In the end I said that there wasn’t any point rehashing this shit because I’ve been over a dozen or more times and nothing does change. He won’t change. He is what he is and that’s all there is to it really. I’d love him to change but I just don’t think he can. I don’t think he’s capable and in a lot of ways I don’t think he wants too.

So I’m sure there is going to be moments like this one, I’m positive of it. The eggshells are going to get thicker and sharper to walk on and I just hope I’m strong enough to keep walking through them.

(If there are tons of spelling/grammar errors, please forgive me, I’m trying to type at lightning speed so I can get back to work and so I’m not doing this when The Husband returns in about 10 minutes.)

Walking on Eggshells

2010-03-23T16:12:00.001+10:30

The following is indicative of how things have been going lately. Everything from conversations to the general vibe that he seems to be giving off. I warn you now, it’s a hellishly long entry. You may want to grab a cuppa and a bickie.

The Husband: …see you think every time I mention that I'm going to bed it means that you have to stop what your doing and go to bed as well.

The back story to this is that when we were arguing one day, maybe a month or so ago, I don’t really remember, he’s said this a few times, so I’m not exactly sure when the latest time was, that he doesn’t like going to bed without me. His words at one point were that I’m like a bit of a security blanket for him, he falls asleep quicker and has a better nights sleep when I’m there. In some regards that’s actually quite sweet. From my perspective though, his way of expressing this feeling is just frustrating, annoying and mentally draining.

He has said on countless occasions, as I mentioned, that he hates going to bed alone and I never go to bed with him, I always sit up and either watch TV, muck around on the computer or at the moment, I’m studying a lot. I have insomnia, going to sleep for me is really hard and then waking up can be even harder when I finally do fall asleep. I often choose not to go to bed because I know that I'm going to lie there wide awake for hours on end and then it feels like it’s even harder to fall asleep then if I just sat in the lounge or on the computer until I felt ‘tired’. There are definitely times when I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want to be near him or because I’m having one of my ‘dark times’ (as I call them) and the thought of having to wake up again to another horrible feeling day just about kills me, so I stay awake, in the silence, and hope the next day won’t arrive. Consequently, he ends up going to bed by himself on most of these occasions.

What he’ll do though is lie awake for a while then call out, “Are you coming to bed soon?”, “How much longer do you think you’ll be?”, “Can’t that wait until tomorrow?”, “You can watch that show in bed”, “Why don’t you just go to bed and see if you can fall asleep?”. Or he’ll deliberately keep himself awake and get up and down repeatedly, getting a drink, going to the toilet, having a smoke, coming to sit on the lounge. The other night he went to bed, got back about 15 minutes later and then bought his pillow out and lied down on the lounge. Now I know that he doesn’t like going to bed alone, I do understand what he’s telling me. 95% of the time I’m not staying up just to piss him off or avoid him, which I’m fairly sure he thinks is what is happening.

All these questions and the lying on the lounge and the getting up and down with an obvious attitude of annoyance, from where I sit, are all designed to make me feel shitty for not going to bed when he says he’s going to. I’m not sure I’ve explained this all very well, but do you see what I’m saying here? Am I right in thinking that what he’s doing is his way of saying “See, because you won’t go to bed when I do, I can’t sleep properly, so I’m going to keep asking you questions and getting up and down or lying on the lounge, so that you know I’m having a hard time and that I’m pissed off.” The questions he asks I’m sure he already knows the answers too. He asks me during the day, “What do you need to do on the computer?” So I tell him. “What work have you got to do today, is there much, will it take long?” So I explain it all to him. Yet he asks those questions (which I wrote about above) and aren’t they the same questions that he’s asked me during the day?

Knowing that he’ll get pissed that I’m not going to be going to bed when he does I try and make sure that I tell him, fairly early on in the night or the day, if I’m going to need to stay up and study so that I don’t get behind in things, that way he is forewarned and can make the choice if he wants to sit with me or go to bed. But he’ll still ask when night time rolls around.

Now when he made that comment, which I opened this post with, I didn’t say anything. Deliberately. I didn’t want to start an argument, I just didn’t want to talk to him at all. He’s been walking around this house like he’s in the worst place on earth. He has a way of being in a bad mood that has me convinced that I’ve done something I just don’t know about or I should know about but don’t care enough to realise. I’ve said this to him and he says that it’s just me, that I take his moods to personally, that it doesn’t always have to do with me. He’s probably right in some respects. But then when I can finally what’s wrong with him out, he’ll something incredibly cryptic and leave me again feeling like it’s something I’ve done. Some of that is definitely on me. I’m happy to admit that. But not all of it. No freaking way is it all on me. He’s doing it on purpose, I know he is.

I’m making the effort. I really am. I’m trying to be more affectionate. I’m trying to talk more to him, about all sorts of things. I’m trying to keep him up to date on what I’m doing with school. We aren’t having as much sex as he’d like but I just don’t want to. Part of me does but a bigger portion just doesn’t want to, not even a little bit. The days of walking around on eggshells, never knowing if I’ve done something really gets to me. To then turn around at night and say “Hey, how about it?” just isn’t in my vocab at the moment. I can’t drum up the mental capacity to do that. It’s not fair on him I know, but neither is the fact that I walk around all the fucking time thinking I’ve done something terrible yet never know what!

Sometimes, he’ll wait two or three days and then tell me. Completely out of the blue. I’ll tell him I’m sick of his mood (as if I’m one to talk) and that he can’t expect me to be all open and honest if he can’t do the same, it’s not fair. So out will come a whole diatribe of stuff that I’ve apparently done over the last week or more, half, if not more, of which I can’t remember doing. Half of what I can remember he’s taken completely the wrong way and twisted it all around to mean something it didn’t or probably what I find to be the worse, is he’ll only take a portion of what I say and then argue with me about that, leaving off the most important point that I made as if it didn’t exist. For example, I’ll make an example point of something, something real that he’s done or said recently, like in the last day or two and then I’ll go on to explain how he goes about doing something is the problem, not what he’s doing. He’ll ignore the how and then blame me or turn it around so he can blame me for the what. It’s so damm frustrating! I try and have a rational discussion most of the time but he just carries on like a child and starts yelling, so I start yelling and then it just descends in stupidity from both of us.

I do love him. I honestly, absolutely do love him. I’m trying to fix the things that I do that aren’t fair, where I can see his point of view and understand it. But when I feel like I’m the only one taking any responsibility for anything that is wrong with this marriage it puts me off wanting to fix it. There are a thousand things wrong with our relationship. We’re both to blame. Yet I feel like I’m more in the right so to speak. If we were to both draw up a list of problems, mine would be more realistic I think. Then again, who doesn’t think that when they are having a discussion or an argument?

I don’t know, I’m just so sick of walking around on eggshells all the time. I’m sick of trying to mediate for everyone else in the household because he can be so irrational most of the time. I’m just tired of it all. I won’t do anything about it know though. I’m not in a position mentally, emotionally, physically or financially to do anything. One day I will be. I know I will. When that day comes I don’t have a clue, not even a little one, but it will come. If that means we can fix things and possibly be happy together then I’ll be overjoyed with that, if not, I’ll get over it, one day.

Snagged

2010-03-15T15:31:00.001+10:30

I knew this time would come, I was just hoping that it wasn’t going to be this soon.

Maths is not my strong suit by any stretch of the imagination. People are always telling me how smart I am, how I know everything. Those people mostly being my family and the very few friends that I’ve got. More often than not I feel it’s undeserved. I just happen to know a lot of useless facts I think.

When it comes to maths though, I think those same people take a little pride in the fact that I’m an absolute idiot at it all. I’m not exaggerating here, not even a little bit.

I’m currently doing prime numbers, prime factors and doing stuff with negative integers for this uni course that I’m doing. It’s all just basic maths from what I understand, a bit of a refresher, to be prepared for any mathematics that we’ll encounter in our ‘real’ courses.

I’m up to page 37 of my material and I feel so far out of my depth that I’m drowning. I’m panicking. Totally. I’m having to look at a web site that appears to be designed for primary school children! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is? Seriously! I’m ready to cry, I almost did before when I apologised to The Husband for not washing the dog. I need a shower and I have housework that is frankly piling up to a ridiculous level (nothing is growing or living in places that it shouldn’t and actually it’s probably not even that bad) but yet here I sit, on my fat arse trying to work through basic, primary school maths. I am so disgusted with myself I’m making myself sick. I want to throw it all across the room and just not do it at all. Chuck the whole thing in.

What’s worse is the fact that when I originally did this course a couple of years ago, maths wasn’t even a component of it. Then I decided to completely drop my bundle, go to the doctor, then the shrink and find out I’m bipolar and trying to do the course after that was nigh on impossible. I just couldn’t concentrate.

I watched Dr. Phil (who is a legend by the way) the other day and he was talking about a couple of bipolar children who’s label appeared to have made things worse for them. In other words they were living to the label, rather than to their potential and he felt that this was a major part of their problem and I thought about that and how I felt after my diagnoses and also what The Husband has said that things just worse after I was told what was wrong with me. He/they are right in a way I think. At the time, I couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t move on from the fact that I would be forever labelled mentally ill. So I stopped studying. I’ve been kicking myself ever since and that’s why I was so keen to do it now.

So here I am, page 39 now, and I’ve not got a damn clue what I’m doing. I’ve got assignments to do on this shit as well as an exam at some point in the next 12 weeks. There is no way I’m going to be able to do it. Not with a decent result at the end anyway. Sure, I’ll bumble my way through and finish it all but when it all gets marked and I get the results rather than a letter grade I’ll just get “You really are a dumb arse aren’t you? Are you sure you want to bother doing a ‘real’ university course? I’m not sure your smart enough.”

On a brighter note we took our Little Prince, who’s birthday it was yesterday, to a concert to see The Hilltop Hoods, the best Aussie hip-hop there is, without a shadow of a doubt. They were amazing! I’m not generally a big hip-hop fan but I really love our home-grown stuff. I guess I can relate to it a bit better. They talk about things that I can recognise and use words that I understand, whereas the US stuff, while still pretty good, refers to a lot of places I’ve heard of but know nothing about personally and uses a lot of language that we just don’t use here, though plenty try. Though I am a pretty big fan of Eminem, I enjoy his honesty, though there are times he goes just a little too far, even for me. When it comes to music I’m a ‘anything goes’ sort of girl but sometimes the great Eminem takes it over the line.

I’m sorry it’s been over a week or so since I posted last. I did try and do a TMI the other day but I’m not sure if it was something wrong with my view of the site or if there wasn’t actually one there. I’ve been trying to keep on top of my study and not get behind. If I do that will mean I’ll start to stress and then it will all go very bad from that point on. I will make an effort to post at least once a week. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to get around and check all my regular reads either unfortunately. I need to put what I’m doing now in front of everything else at the moment. Hell, the only time’s I’ve even used the computer is to check the uni site and email from them, other that, nothing. The family are shocked let me tell you!

So, back to these negative numbers bullshit and then, if I can finish this topic I may actually get a shower in today. Wish me luck friends, I’m going to need it I think.

Contradiction

2010-03-06T15:53:00.001+10:30

I’m having real issues lately with The Husband and his ability to completely contradict himself without any realisation that he is actually doing so. I want to write in great length about it but I know if I do then I’ll just get myself angry about it all again and when he gets back he won’t understand what I’m pissed off about and frankly, I just don’t want to explain it to him. He won’t understand.

I know it must seem utterly ridiculous that he couldn’t understand it but that’s how it is. He just doesn’t get it. I have tried, in other ways to explain how often he contradicts himself and he looks at me like I’m speaking another language. It’s incredibly frustrating. He is incredibly frustrating. Arguing with him is like arguing with a child. He can never admit responsibility for his part in the problem, he can’t accept that what someone else says is valid if he doesn’t agree with it. Even having a general conversation about something completely inane is frustrating! If your opinion differs from his then it’s bullshit as far as he is concerned. I simply can’t tolerate that. It makes me so angry I could spit!

If we are arguing about something do with our relationship, which we seem to be doing a fair bit of lately, I am, even though unwilling sometimes, ready to accept that I’ve been in the wrong, that I have played a definite part in the disharmony that is currently surrounding us most of the time. He on the other hand, absolutely not. Not at all. He can always manage to find a justification for why he behaves the way he does. He believe fully in this justification and expects me and everyone else to understand, sympathise and agree with it. I could easily say he’s just offering excuses but they aren’t. He’s not excusing his actions in any way. He’s absolutely sure of what he does and why he does it and nothing will change that. He has every reason to behave the way he does and in actual fact I’m the one in the wrong for even calling him on his paranoid, weird and childish behaviour. It absolutely astounds me!

If there was even an ounce of logic in his arguments then it would be worthwhile and possibly even productive arguing with him but there isn’t any logic whatsoever. Occasionally he’s right. When he calls me out on the way I’ve been acting and treating him he can hit the nail on the head with amazing accuracy. As I said before, I don’t always like agreeing with him but the law of fairness says that I should and I do. I promise that I’ll try and work on or modify what I’m doing and I do. I think a bit more before I open my mouth. I think that when I’m walking past him that it wouldn’t kill me just to touch him on the arm, or hold his hand in the car. I get sick and tired of doing all this though when he can’t acknowledge his own faults or accept his own part of the blame and work on these things.

If we end falling apart one day, I know that I’m going to be completely comfortable in knowing that I’ve done the best I can do. I’m not always doing the best I can, there are plenty of times where I don’t try even a little bit but I usually give myself a mental smack on the side of the head and make the effort. I know there are things that he does try at. I either notice it or he makes a point of telling me that he’s trying. Overall though, the things that truly bother me, that make me look at him differently when he’s doing them, he just won’t believe it and therefore he won’t make any efforts to understand them or try and work on it. I wonder, if we do end up falling apart, will he know this? I seriously doubt it. Actually, I know that if that should happen, he’ll blame it all on me. It will be because I didn’t really love him enough. It’s a pity because I do love him, very much. I just don’t think the way that I love is the way that he wants. Having said that, I’m not always a fan of the way he loves too.

Marriage is important to me and I will keep working on it until I’ve rung every last little drop there is out of it. Only then will I consider it finished. And not a moment sooner.

It’s Started

2010-03-04T13:57:00.001+10:30

After all this time it’s finally happening. My uni course has started.

I still haven’t received my course materials yet so I’m trying to run off what they have online, which is proving harder than I thought. Particularly with maths. It’s already near the end of the first week and I’ve yet to do anything substantial because trying to read through pages and pages of .pdf documents is not that easy when you need to keep going backwards and forwards all the time. I know I could print it all out but ink is like gold in our house and so I don’t want to waste it on my stuff when the kids could need it for school. The Little Princess has needed to use it quite a bit because apparently all the money we are paying for her private education doesn’t cover colour printers.

I’m going to give it until the end of today maybe midday tomorrow and if the material hasn’t arrived by then I’ll email the uni and ask them if they have sent it yet. This could seriously put me behind quite a bit. I’ve decided to go full-time so that I can begin my ‘real’ course this year too but that means somewhere in the order of 30 hours a week study and without the material to do it by that doubles the amount I need to do everyday to catch back up again.

This time there is a compulsory maths component and maths and I have never really gotten along to well. In fact, we are probably considered arch enemies. Maths scares me. It’s the one thing, school/learning wise that makes me feel like a true idiot. It makes me want to cry and scream because I just don’t get it. I’m hoping adulthood has dulled this down a bit and that I will find it easier, not being in a classroom setting, not having my Dad breathing down my neck and yelling at me about what a moron I am. Now it will only be me, in my own house doing that.

I’m not sure if I’ll get to do the TMI meme this week or not. In fact I’m not sure if I’ll get to do any of them. I desperately want this course to work out, for me to do well in it.

Things have been hard this week, emotionally. I’m not sure why exactly but I came pretty close to falling into that black hole that I sometimes disappear down. It felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails. I managed to crawl most of the way back out though. Now I’m just hanging my legs over edge, you know when you climb out up on something and you rest your belly on the edge while you get your breath back? That’s what I’m doing now. I’m comfortable though, for the moment. It’s better than falling all the way in and then having to spend months trying to find my way out again. I’m determined to not go back on the med’s though. It feels as if a little part of me is missing when I’m taking them and it’s bad enough normally not knowing who I really am from day to day without adding chemicals to the mix.

So, please forgive me if I disappear for a little bit over the next three months or thereabouts. I will do my best to stop in and post as often as I can. Plus, I really enjoy doing TMI, FFI and HNT, along with reading everyone else’s.

Wish me luck guys, I’m going to need it I think.

TMI #228

2010-02-25T11:36:00.001+10:30

This weeks questions are from a great Aussie blogger, whom I’m a big fan of…just thought I’d mention that…

Also, if this seems hurried and contains many mistakes that’s because it is hurried, so I apologise for that in advance. Mistakes bother me.

1. For self-arousal, if you could reach any part of your body with your mouth, which part would you like to reach and why?
Actually, it’s funny that this question is being asked. The other week I was browsing through Tumblr and came across a photo of a guy with the ability to actually suck his own penis. I’m sure this is nothing new but I’d never seen it before. It was actually quite a nice shot, more art like as opposed to porn like. Then, a few more photo’s later there was one of a girl doing the same thing (she didn’t have a penis though) but she looked like she was doing it more because she could, not because she wanted to. Then just the other day the topic came up when The Husband and I were talking. When I actually thought about it, whether I could or would want to do it myself, I thought no, I definitely do not want to be able to do that and I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to see The Husband doing it either. Other than that, there really isn’t anywhere I’d like to be able to reach with my own mouth. I’m pretty happy with my self-arousal methods as they currently stand.

2. If you reached that part of your body, how often and how long would you want to stay there?
I guess you’d have to refer to question one for the answer to this. Sorry I can’t be more interesting than that.

3. If the opportunity arose, what would you like to do to someone else that you have never been game to try before?
Getting to be with a girl was really the only thing that had ever crossed my mind before as something that I’d like to try and we’ve done that, so that leaves pretty much nothing. Oh, wait, I would like to be able to have anal sex without feeling any pain first of all and second, not feeling like it’s something I shouldn’t be doing or enjoying. We’ve tried a number of times but it always hurts too much for me to continue. There have been a couple of times where it hasn’t hurt very much and I’ve been able to go the whole way but the vast majority of the time it always hurts too much so I have to stop. That isn’t really what the question was about but there isn’t anything that I’d like to try that I haven’t tried at some point. That certainly doesn’t mean that we’ve done everything but I don’t really want to try everything that is out there to try.

4. You have been selected to swap one of your organs with another member of the opposite sex. What would you swap and why? Who would you choose as the organ donor?
Wow, very interesting question…I guess I’d like to see women through the eyes of a man. Specifically The Husband. He’s always telling me how gorgeous and hot I am and I just don’t believe it. I don’t see myself the way he does and I’d like to have his eyes and see what he see’s, just once. Maybe, if he’s telling me the truth then I will finally believe it too.

5. Overnight you have a beauty sleep and inexplicably awaken at dawn having now turned into the most beautiful person on the planet. What would you do differently for the next 24 hours?
I don’t know. Nothing really I suppose. Maybe I’d got out and get some of the clothes that I’d love to wear but would never because I think they’d horrible on short, little me. Then I’d just enjoy being beautiful for the day. Sit in a nice little coffee shop and see what it was like to have men stare at me all the time and women wish they looked like me (maybe some would wish they could have me too). LOL

Bonus Question: You are noticed by a talent scout and invited to star in your own x-rated movie for world wide distribution. You are asked to write the plot. Describe your movie plot in one sentence of no more than 20 words.
Girl meets girl, girl’s go inside and have amazingly hot sex for the rest of the day. (I think that’s less than 20 words.)

I’m late getting mine up as usual,
but if you want to play too, it’s all happening @ TMI.

I’m Still Standing

2010-02-21T10:29:00.001+10:30

It’s been just over a week since I last posted and I remember last time I pulled a disappearing act that a couple of people contacted me and expressed a little concern for my welfare.

With that said, I thought I’d quickly pop up a post and let those people know that yep, I’m all good.

Not having the net for a week wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be. The first couple of days it was a little frustrating after though I just played The Sims like a woman possessed!

Things in general though have actually been fairly good. Since The Husband and I had our last major blow up things have gotten better. Mostly because I’ve been trying harder I think. For quite a while there I just completely shut down and despite all his flaws, I do love him and I can’t blame him for getting angry about the situation. When and if I get a chance I might try and elaborate further on this.

The Bean Pole (I think that’s what I’ve called the oldest son) has been selected to try out for an elite State sport which we are all incredibly proud of. He plays a lot of sport but there is one in particular that he excels at and his hoping to make a career of and this is the third time I think that he’s been nominated to try out. So far he’s missed out on selection both times but he did make it to the final round of selections, so that in itself is quite an achievement for a 14 year old boy (who’s well on his way to becoming a man). He’s as determined as I’ve ever seen him to make it into the team this time and I have a feeling that he might just actually do it. If he does, it’s a big step towards making the National team as an adult. I realise this is all probably irrelevant to everyone else but I’m a very proud mother at the moment and I feel like having a bit of a brag.

I pretty much covered why I’ve not been online for the last week in my previous post. As I said, I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would but I did miss my blog and I missed my regular blog reads too. I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to catch up on what I’ve missed reading and posting but if I end up with some spare time I’ve got a bit of a novel idea on how I’d like to go about catching it all up, so I’ll guess we’ll just what happens.

We have a day of sport ahead of us, The Bean Pole has been selected to play in a higher grade and its quite the feather in his cap so we’re all going out to watch him today, despite the fact the other two would probably rather chew glass than have to sit out in the heat for four or more hours. They are going to support their brother whether they like it or not! LOL

I’m going to finish with a little quote from a song by Australian comedian Tim Minchin, which I had tucked away somewhere and only discovered again yesterday. Even though the song is a intended to be funny, I find with his work that there is always just a hint of honesty hidden in there. For some reason this one just really speaks to me :

I’ve got a mind,
It’s fine,
It’s where I spend the majority of my time.

Friday Fill-In’s #163

2010-02-21T09:57:00.001+10:30

*IMPORTANT NOTE: These FFI’s are from the 12th February, 2010, not the 19th. The little note below the meme explains why.

1. Pickles should be permanently removed from all McDonald’s and Hungry Jacks burgers for as long as the earth is round (unless of course you like them and then you can just ask for them, but shouldn’t be the default).

2. I spend all my time at home.

3. The snow is but a distant memory to those in Oz who actually get it, for the rest of us it’s just something we see on the television or in photo’s.

4. He can be so generous in nature, but life has turned him into a paranoid, untrusting individual.

5. It's 5:16 PM; that means that I should at least have started dinner by this stage though that isn’t very likely.

6. Apparently everything I’d like from life is hard to find.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to not having The Little Princess and her friends screaming and yelling till all hours of the night, tomorrow my plans include doing very little more than likely, probably housework, which is the same as I do every weekend and Sunday, I want to do even less than I did the day before!

Do your own fill in’s @ Friday Fill-In’s.

Unfortunately, as I’m writing this, I have no internet to be able to post it. I had planned on doing it last night (Friday night) but with The Little Princess and her friends invading the house, I wasn’t able to. So I thought I’d be able to do it today, not realising that my internet would run out. I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to get some more. With any luck it will be today sometime but I seriously doubt that. The Husband is probably going to be secretly enjoying my lack of internet and so he’ll prolong getting some more. I feel lost without internet, for me it’s a stepping stone out of my life and I need that. Sad isn’t it?

*Update 21st February, 2010: I’m the sort of person who see’s the worst in everything. If someone I love tends to do not very nice things a fair bit, then I automatically assume (yes, I know what assume turns into and what it means yet I still do it) that their motivation behind something must be less than honest. I did this with The Husband. I assumed, due to his dislike of the time I spend on my computer, that he would deliberately stall in getting some more credit for me. It turns out that actually wasn’t the case. We were fairly low in the money department and getting credit was on the bottom of the list of priorities and rightly so. Even though he won’t be reading this, I feel like it’s important for me to acknowledge when I’ve got it wrong, especially with him.

HNT #7

2010-02-12T16:29:00.001+10:30

Finally found a spare moment to post my HNT picture for this week. So far I’ve had an awesome day. The kids were at school, I got to have a nice peaceful shower and then after getting dressed The Husband mentioned he was feeling like some special cuddles…so the front door was shut and the bullet brought out and we spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying one another’s company. He managed to film most of it I think for his later viewing pleasure. I’ve been grinning from ear to ear since and if The Little Princess wasn’t having a couple of friends over tonight I might have actually asked if we could go again. No matter what else goes wrong with us, for some reason the sex is very rarely anything below very, very good.

So Happy Belated HNT one and all, I hope your Friday has been as good as mine so far.

If you haven’t joined in yet, go over to Osbasso’s check out the naughtiness…

Wordless Wednesday #6

2010-02-11T00:43:00.001+10:30

Victorian Bushfires by ~cold-turkey @ deviantART.
Bunyip State Forest courtesy of AbiRoad.
Australia’s Day of Mourning @ Goldcoaster.

The last picture is of Sam the koala and fire fighter David Tree. It is probably the most recognised image taken during the bushfires. Sam lived for a further six months but ultimately he didn’t make it despite the tireless effort to keep him alive.

This past Sunday was the one year anniversary of the Victorian Bushfires, known as Black Saturday. These are some of the beautiful images from a horrific time in Victoria’s and our country’s history. A year on and only the ground has begun to recover.

Take part @ Wordless Wednesday.

TMI #226

2010-02-09T18:47:00.001+10:30

1. LUST: Besides your current Significant Other who do you lust for or have you lusted for?
Frankly, I can’t think of anyone. More often than not I have too much rubbish floating through my brain to fit in thoughts of lust for my own Husband let alone other people. I wish I did, maybe I’d be a happier person.

2. GLUTTONY: What food brings out your inner glutton?
Pasta, without a shadow of a doubt. Particularly bolognaise anything and creamy sauces. Both highly fattening from what I understand but I just don’t care, they are delicious and if I could I would eat it every single day.

3. GREED: What are you greedy for?
Happiness. Contentment. Just being okay with every single day, with my lot in life.

4. SLOTH: What is your plan for an ideal day of sloth?
Sitting right here at the computer blog hopping or playing The Sims. Maybe lying in bed all day reading and/or sleeping. Oh and a great big bowl of pasta for dinner, cooked by someone else preferably so that I don’t need to ruin a day of doing sweet FA.

5. WRATH: Describe a time that you let out a can of whoop ass on someone.
Seriously, does anyone have the time to read about all the times I’ve gone completely off my nutter? How about just one that was actually just mentioned the other day. We have a neighbour, who lives about four or five houses down. He’s a horribly creepy individual with three of the worst children on the planet. I think at the time I went mental at him, he was in the process of splitting up from his annoyingly nosy wife, whom I’ve also had a couple of discussions with over the years. Anyway, not sure what brought about the situation but he called out to me that I was a tart/slut/whore or something alone those lines. Being a married mother of four I took great exception to this, plus, he barely even knows me. So I charged down the street and start screaming at him from the front of his house. I stayed out of his yard because he’s notorious for calling the police at every single opportunity and I couldn’t be bothered dealing with them too. I was so angry I don’t actually recall most of what I said but I do know it was colourful. He must have said something else to me because the next thing I remember was being at his front door and trying to rip the screen off it so I could get to him. Now, just to fully paint the picture. This neighbour of ours is a big man. He’s probably only about 5’5-5’7 but he weighs a ton. Me, I’m all of about 5’1 and weigh about 47kgs (which according to Metric Conversions.org is about 103 pounds), so here I am screaming at this disgusting excuse for a human being while I’m smashing on the door with one fist (because his head was there and I was determined to hit it, even if it was through the door) and the other hand is grabbing the screen and trying to rip the door open so I could get to him. Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get my hands on him and eventually I calmed down enough to walk away. Needless to say he’s not said two words to me since. There have been times I have gotten my hands on the object of my anger, thankfully I haven’t caused any real damage, usually it just scares the other person, and me too sometimes. I did say that I have a bit of an anger problem. The joys of bipolar I suppose. :-/

6. ENVY: Who or what do you envy? Why?
I don’t envy anyone in particular really, I just envy people who seem to be happy with everything they have and everything they are. Who are comfortable and content in their relationships (all of them, from partners to parents to friends to children). Who don’t struggle everyday with money concerns. Who don’t know how they are going to feel from one day to the next. I don’t know how else to explain it really. My one superficial envy (if that is even a proper statement) is that I’d like to be beautiful and have the gorgeous body. I know that that is something that will never happen and I’ve been told I’m perfectly fine the way I am, by people who aren’t supposed to be telling me that, but I don’t feel it within myself. I think I could always be better. At everything.

7. PRIDE: Have you ever had to swallow your pride? What are you proud of?
I’ve swallowed my pride more times than I can possibly count. Every time kills off a little something and I think that’s true for a lot of people, depending on the situation. Admitting that your wrong about something is swallowing your pride I think but it doesn’t compare to having to go to a charity organisation to get vouchers to be able to feed your children, which we’ve had to do on a number of occasions. Something I’m proud of…my children. I can’t think of anything else that I’ve ever done that I’m 100% happy with, except them. If I can actually see through university, then I think I’ll be proud of myself then. Actually no, if I finish and then go on to work in the field I want to, then I’ll be proud.

Play along @ TMI.

Friday Fill-Ins #162

2010-02-05T22:07:00.001+10:30

1. I know I getting in a bad mood for no apparent reason is because I’m bipolar but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.

2. December, January and February are the longest months.

3. ~~You~~ I can't help but wish that some days I just won’t wake up.

4. Go on, start with me right now, with the mood I’m in, I’ll tell you exactly what I think and not give a shit whether it hurts your feelings or not and I won’t think twice about it; bring it on!

5. Where have you looked before coming in here and hassling the hell out of me because you put your keys/shoes/socks in some ridiculous place that you now either can’t find or can’t be bothered looking for?

6. Anger, venom and hate are now available, courtesy of yours truly.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to bed early I think, for a change, though don’t hold me to that, I often think it but rarely do it, tomorrow my plans include housework more than likely, the toilet doesn’t clean itself apparently and Sunday, I want to maybe read or play The Sims 3 all day, if I managed to get the housework done yesterday!

#162 @ Friday Fill-In’s.

HNT #6

2010-02-04T16:53:00.001+10:30

Play along @ Osbasso’s or for some anonymous fun go to The Other HNT.

Wordless Wednesday #5

2010-02-03T17:18:00.001+10:30

Cry by lenifuzhead @ Flickr.com
Crying. So much this last weekend that I have thoroughly exhausted myself. Today is better. There is still that little feeling, deep inside, as if it could all change again in a second and the crying will start once more. I feel weak when I cry.

TMI Tuesday #225

2010-02-02T16:14:00.001+10:30

1. What famous people share your birthday? Any the same year as well as day?
Considering I’m trying to keep this blog as anonymous as possible, I’ll list a few who were born on the same day as I was and let’s just say that there are probably people who were born in the same year.
Karl Marx – The father of communism
Tina Yothers – The chick who played Jennifer on Family Ties, one of my all time favourite shows. I thought Michael J Fox was so hot!
Chris Brown – Oh how lucky I am.
Michael Palin – Of Monty Python fame. Particularly liked him in A Fish Called Wanda.
Tammy Wynette – Wow, this I did not know.

2. Have you ever shared an address (before, during or after) with anyone famous?
Nope, not that I’m aware of anyway.

3. Who else has your name? (Google yourself and see who else shows up).
First, last or both? Actually, I’ll leave this one. Putting my birthday and my name out there would make it bloody obvious to anyone who knew me who was actually the author of this blog. Would kind of kill it for me I suppose.

4. Test the Six Degrees theory. Do you know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who might know someone who knows President Obama? How about, say Dolly Parton?
Hmm, let me think…ahh,..no.

5. Try the sexual version. Have you had sex with someone who might have . . . anyone famous? (e.g. I slept with a woman who had slept with a Hollywood stuntman, who might have....)
Again, no. I do know a couple of ‘famous’ people but I’ve never slept with them or anyone they know. At least I don’t think so. :)

I’m really looking forward to reading this weeks answers. If you’ve not answered already, then go play along @ TMI Tuesday.

Friday Fill-Ins #161

2010-01-31T14:52:00.001+10:30

If you’d like to just get straight to the questions and answers, click here, other than that, I’m going to blabber on for a little bit first.

I had the time to do my FFI’s on Friday but during the day, I don’t know exactly when, The Husband started working on another bad mood. What it has to do with this time I don’t have clue. It’s been going off and on since then and the good mood that I’d been sporting for a few weeks now has started to fade considerably. I went to do my post and I just couldn’t be bothered.

When The Husband is in a bad mood he has this way of being. His mood projects onto me and for some reason or another, convinces me that whatever it is he is angry/upset about, it’s my fault. I’m certain of it. Whether or not this is actually the case or not, I don’t know half the time, he won’t tell me. He knows I feel like it’s my fault and I ask him repeatedly if I’ve done something, but he just says no and continues acting as if I have. At first I just feel bad about it all, then after a while I start to get angry. If I have done something then why doesn’t he just tell me, instead of dragging it out. My theory is that, if I have actually done something, then he prolongs it so that I just feel worse than I need to.

I could write a book on his double standards. When I found out I was bipolar, we talked about it for a bit. I told him how suicide had and does cross my mind when I’m extremely depressed. It’s not something I’m proud of, in fact I’m so embarrassed by it that up until that point I hadn’t told anyone except my doctor. Even now only The Husband, my mother and both my doctors are the only people who know. And now you too I guess. The Husbands on-going reaction to this is a whole other story but the point I’m trying to get to is that he asked me to start telling him how I’m feeling when I get into my black hole. I reluctantly agreed. Telling people how I feel is not something that I do. Ever. I’m one of those annoying people who when asked what’s wrong say “Nothing”.

So I ask the same of him now. The Husband has his own ‘issues’, (which I think I should actually do a post about, it would go a long way to explaining the way he is), and normally when I ask him he what is wrong he gives me the same answer I normally give him. Despite his request and my agreement to tell him when something is seriously wrong, he just doesn’t afford me the same courtesy and I hate it. I loathe it. It makes me incredibly angry.

I’m not sure what mood he’s going to be in when he gets back this afternoon and a part of me just doesn’t give a shit. The kids have all privately told me how happy they are to see me in a good mood for such a long period of time. Miss Independent is more than aware that it will only last for so long and then I’ll crash again, but at the moment they are all enjoying the fact that I’m happy for a change. I’m enjoying being happy and I don’t want The Husband to ruin it for me. I’d rather the mood just disappears all on it’s own like it usually does.

All I’m asking is to be able to enjoy my happiness while it lasts.

Onto the FFI’s.

1. Wouldn't it be easy to just ignore everyone else’s feelings and do whatever you want?

2. If he stopped acting like everything that is going wrong with us lately is my fault alone then we’d be better than ever! Or at least a version thereof.

3. I love the taste of an ice cold drink on a hot summer’s day. (That’s a pretty boring answer considering what I usually write).

4. I barely spend anytime in the living room (we call it a lounge room) anymore.

5. The first thing we're going to do is _be truthful with one another as opposed to me being the only to tell the truth and look like a bitch doing it.

6. Listening to them sometimes is like listening to a tap, drip, drip, drip; it just grates on the frayed end of my very last nerve.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting everyone to leave me the hell alone, tomorrow my plans include having The Little One’s friend sleepover, which nobody wants, not even The Little One I don’t think and Sunday, I want to do a little housework and hopefully sit my uni test, though I’m not holding my breath for the second part!

Play along @ Friday Fill In’s.

HNT #5

2010-01-28T21:55:00.004+10:30

~~ Sorry it's so small, big photos do not sit well on this template for me ~~

There really isn’t any special story to go with my photo this week. I have a bit of a ‘thing’ regarding hair. I like long, soft hair. Preferably straight but I’m probably biased because I have curly hair. I’d love black hair, would like to have it myself but it just wouldn't suit me. So I guess this week is a homage to hair.

HNT @ Osbasso’s. Go. Do.

Wordless Wednesday #4

2010-01-28T03:52:00.001+10:30

A popular view of Australia.
Uluru Glow by Andrew C Wallace @ flickr.com The real view of Australia.
Australian Drought @ Climate Progress.org
In honour of our national day.
~~ Click ‘em to big ‘em.and experience the full sized beauty ~~

Wordless Wednesday.

I’m hoping with the kids back at school I’m going to have a little more personal time so I’ll be able to visit all my blog friends and actually post a little more! I have a doozy to post regarding the last tiny little portion of my anniversary with The Husband. Do you like how I write little because I’m whispering because it’s Wordless Wednesday?

TMI Tuesday #223

2010-01-26T19:35:00.001+10:30

The Masturbation Edition – that fits in with what I wrote about last week.

A small update (edit: turns out it’s not so small, so if you’d rather jump to the questions then click here) before I jump into the questions. I haven’t had either the time or the energy to write in the last few days. Everyone has been home all the time or they’ve had friends over and when they haven’t or weren’t here, I was either busy doing housework or helping Duty (my friend and neighbour) with different things that she apparently cannot do on her own. The nausea that I’ve been feeling in the last few months has come back with a vengeance as well. It doesn’t seem to be getting any better so I’m not sure how much writing will get done this week either unfortunately.

On a slightly happier note, today The Husband and I head into our 20th year together. He’s been in a mood all day and I’m not sure exactly what the problem is, I can only guess. I’m thinking (and this is incredibly stupid but it’s how he thinks) that it may have something to do with my laptop being password protected with a new password that he doesn’t know and I won’t tell him.

Except for my blog, there isn’t anything on here that I would consider top secret but it’s the principle of it as far as I’m concerned. This is my new laptop, I’ve given him my old one, so he has his own computer now (the kids still use all of them, depending on whose using which one when they want to use it) and I don’t see any reason why he would want or need to go on here. He claimed, when he worked out that he couldn’t get into it, that he wanted to see if an email that he was wondering about had come in yet. I asked why he thought that I wouldn’t tell him if it did and he says that he thought I’d forget. I think that’s bullshit. I think he wanted to have a go on my new toy and when he couldn’t get into it he got pissed off and now he’s sulking.

He made a joke about it yesterday I think it was and I asked him what was the difference between my computer and his phone and wallet? As far as I’m concerned a persons phone, purse/wallet and other individual items are sacrosanct. It’s not my place to just go through his phone or his wallet. If I would like to have or see something that’s on or in it then I should ask. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect the same in return.

Knowing me though, when he eventually brings it up again, I’ll cave in, give him the damn password and then (I swear) I’ll see a little triumphant smile on his face. It’s so childish. It could be said that me wanting to have my own password protected computer that I don’t want to share with anyone, is childish too I suppose.

If, no when I give in, then all I'll have to do on here is delete the backups of my recent posts and all will be well. That’s just not the point though. This is mine and I’d like to be the one who decides when and how everyone else can use it. Am I being a complete baby about it all though do you think?

Finally, onto the reason you stopped by…

1. When you masturbate, how long, typically, is your session and what do you think about (other than having an orgasm)?
It doesn’t usually take me all that long. I don’t have the time or the space to spend a great on ‘me’ time. More often than not, I’ll do it when I’m in the shower because other than the toilet, it’s one of the few places that I either get left alone or people knock before coming in. As for what I think about. Well, when I do think of anything, it pretty much always involves me being involved with another woman in some way. If I’m feeling particularly adventurous then it will be me, The Husband and another woman. I actually don’t fantasize about men all that much. When we did actually have another woman in our bed, I knew I would enjoy it because it’s the one thing I’ve always fantasized about.

2. Have you ever been "caught" masturbating?
I can’t believe I’m going to write this, and no, I’m not going into any detail, but when I first learnt that I was the fortunate owner of a clitoris, I played with it at every available opportunity I had and in the end I wasn’t particularly careful about where I was, so one day my mother walked in on me. We have never uttered a single comment on the incident. She left the room, I stayed there until I had convinced myself that it would all be alright and then I left the room.

3. Have you ever masturbated in front of your computer? If 'yes' was it for your own purposes or for someone's viewing pleasure?
I did it once, just after I got my first computer. It was the only time I went into those chat room things that were all the rage (or maybe they still are, I don’t know) back in the mid 90’s. It felt stupid and I didn’t particularly enjoy myself so I’ve not done it again.

4. Have you ever attended a group masturbation party? Same-sex or mixed?
No, never. I didn’t realise that such things even existed to be quite honest.

5. When masturbating, as you reach orgasm, do you continue to stimulate yourself without interruption, or do you stop and apply pressure until your spasms subside? Or?
I just keep going. It drives me nuts when I’m just about too or in the middle of coming and then everything stops. When The Husband is doing it (manually or orally) sometimes he needs to have a quick break or readjust and if it’s just when I’m on the brink I could seriously scream with frustration!

6. Have you ever videoed yourself while masturbating (solo)? Where are they now?
No, I never ever have. The thought has never crossed my mind to do so. There is video and photo’s of The Husband and I together and they’re stored on my old laptop with a few being on The Husband’s phone.

Bonus (as in optional): How often do you use the word "fuck" (or its derivatives) in casual conversation - frequently, occasionally, rarely, never.
It all depends on the mood I’m in. If I’m having a really bad day, then it can be almost as bad as every second or third word I throw the fbomb in. If I’m talking to people in everyday situations (like teachers, parents etc.) then I never use it, unless I hear them use it first. With my family though, probably it would still be considered frequently though I aim for occasionally when I’m not in a horrible mood.

Good, fun questions this week. If you’d like to ‘play’ too, then head on over to TMI and get in on the fun.

Friday Fill-Ins #160

2010-01-23T13:20:00.001+10:30

Just a bit of a background on the attitude that might come through in today’s FFI’s. Things were going fine this morning. The Husband gave me a gift for our 20th anniversary (the amazingness in that figure lies in the fact that I’m only 33) which is in three days time. Then I mentioned that I couldn’t sleep last night. The Husband cracks a mental and tells me that yes, I was asleep and no, I didn’t have any problems going to sleep at all. I was speechless. For about 30 seconds, until I demanded to know if he was seriously trying to tell me that I didn’t know how to tell the time. So, I’m throwing around a bit of angry right now and this is probably reflected in my answers.

Without further ado, onto the FFI’s.

1. You have a chance to sort out your own issues and make life a lot easier for everyone around you. But you won’t will you? You’ll stay at the point of acknowledgment, while in the back of your mind continue to blame everyone else and not do anything to get over it all.

2. I want everything to be perfect right now!

3. There is a chance that I might actually turn my life around and achieve what I want while still being able to keep what I have.

4. I can go right ahead and do exactly what I want, when I want (like take the dog for a walk or go and spend the day with Miss Independent) and pay later for it without a shadow of a doubt.

5. It's time to get my fucking shit together. That was the first thing that popped into my head and while I do want to expand on that statement I just don’t know where to begin explaining how much shit I have that needs putting together properly. I guess long term readers might have some idea.

6. My moods and my love are up in the air but that’s bipolar and marriage for you.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to either getting a good nights sleep or doing my uni test (though I’ll probably chicken out and just go to bed), tomorrow my plans include possibly getting off my ass and doing some housework and Sunday, I want to do a lot or do nothing!

While I duck off and have a shower, how about playing along and then I can come back and see what you’ve done for this week’s Friday Fill In’s?

HNT Thursday

2010-01-21T20:24:00.001+10:30

This is my first HNT for 2010 and my first for quite some time I think. This particular photo relates to an earlier post. So should you feel like stopping by longer than just looking at the picture, then please, read the post and the picture will have a greater meaning behind it.

Head on over to Osbasso’s to get Half-Nekkid with us.

Wordless Wednesday...On Thursday

2010-01-21T19:52:00.003+10:30

Music = Life by lince-rock @ DeviantART
Play along at Wordless Wednesday.

I Knew It Would

2010-01-20T20:15:00.001+10:30

I’m not sure if anyone remembers me mentioning yesterday that I had a few things I wanted to blog about, preferably before my mood changed and the excitement I got from it disappeared?

It has.

The other night, The Husband took The Bean Pole fishing and The Little Prince was here with me, but he’d gone to sleep early. The Princess (I think that’s what I’ve named her), was on her holiday, so I had some free time on my hands, late in the evening.

I had been browsing through Twitter, trying to find some of the people who’s blogs I follow and while I was reading I ended up on Tumblr after having clicked through a few links that were posted. Prior to the clicking I didn’t realise what I’d be clicking through too. However, once I got there and logged in…well, there was a feast that my eye’s readily consumed having been starved of any sort of imagery for quite some time.

After The Husband left, I wasn’t able to control myself anymore and I decided that I needed to quickly find a quiet place and spend a little quality time on me. It turned out though, that wasn’t quite enough to quench the thirst.

So, I sneaked into my bedroom, where the bullet is stashed (The Little Prince was sleeping in my bed) and took it back to the bathroom. I had myself a little fun and then thinking I was finished for the night I stood up without removing my bullet from my sweet spot. That’s when I saw my face in the mirror.

I know thousands of women do this every single day. I’m not one of them. In fact, I’ve only looked at my vagina a few times while I’m finishing my shower. This was a completely new experience for me and I think I actually liked it a little bit. I had always thought I looked completely hideous when I was coming. It turns out that I don’t. So I kept going.

At the end, HNT crossed my mind. I know, even I thought, “where the hell did that thought pop from?” So I grabbed my phone (it’s the only thing I have with a camera on it at the moment) and I took a couple of shots of a part of my body (no, not that part! You guys have got dirty minds! LOL) that I actually like and that struck me as particularly attractive while ‘in the moment’.

I’m hoping that I’ll have them ready to post my first HNT for 2010 and my first in quite some time.

About two days after this, The Bean Pole was at training, The Princess at a friends for the night and The Little Prince was at the neighbours. The Husband had been asking me for a couple of weeks (that time of the month got in the way of things) if he could go down on me as he hadn’t for quite some time and had a bit of a craving.

As much as I love this, and believe me I do, I always get embarrassed and self-conscious at just the thought, let alone the deed. My first reaction was to push him away and say no. Then after a few moments of thought, where I remembered my revelation in the bathroom I went and straddled him on the lounge. We made our way to the bedroom where things proceeded quite quickly (out of necessity as well as enjoyment) for me. Usually, it can take me a long time while I mentally sort through myself to reach a point where I can just let go and enjoy. I was able to bypass that within seconds and just immediately enjoy the moment. And I did. I’m so glad I did.

I have been riding on this little high due to these two events. Then we come to today. The Husband has been nothing but an utter asshole the entire day. To the point where I stood in the middle of the mall and yelled at him. Yes, I know, not particularly becoming of me. Actually, neither was the language that I used. However, he pissed me right off and I had the extended afterglow of the last few days still washing over me and his crappy attitude cleaned that off quicker than a mid-winter downpour could have done.

So I just let loose. Being BP means that when my moods are up and something shitty happens, I crash pretty quickly and part of my BP is that I have a huge anger problem. Everyone within eye and ear range got a full taste of that today.

I had been looking forward to writing this entry. Actually having something sexually enjoyable to post for a change and it feels like it’s been ruined. Though, I must say, the feeling has come back somewhat from having written about it all.

At the same time, The Husband is still in a foul mood and just looking at him kills it a little bit each time I do. I am no better most of the time though. When my moods take over and the depression sets in, it doesn’t matter how much I wish myself out of it, I’m stuck there and everyone around me suffers in one way or another.

It’s been nice though and I’m just going to content myself with that I think.

TMI Tuesday #222

2010-01-20T01:01:00.001+10:30

I have such a huge urge to write today. I’ve not had the length of time I’d like to be able to do it. I have a couple of wonderful little tales I’d like to relay but I need the time to put them together in a way that suits me, not just churns them out for the sake of it. Hopefully the time will make itself available soon, before my mood changes and I end up buried deep within my own mind again.

1. Ideal amount of sex per week?
Hmm, that’s a hard one. I have a larger sex drive than The Husband realises. I’m just too shy/scared (I’m not sure which one is the more prominent) to let myself go completely. When Cherry (I’m fairly certain I’ve discussed our reasonably brief fling with a girl) was involved I felt like I had suddenly woken from a deep sleep and I couldn’t get enough of both The Husband and Cherry. The Husband was actually driven to a point that he just couldn’t go anymore. Anyway, the point is that under ideal circumstances I’d probably be happy to have sex at least every other day or maybe even once a day. Generally though, for me, circumstances are never ideal. My moods get in the way of my entire life and I hate it. It makes me be someone I don’t want to be.

2. Ever had an online affair?
No, never. I’ve gone and masturbated after looking at pics on line, though not usually on sites traditionally thought of as “porn sites”. I’ve never been into the whole IRC/chat thing. I’ve tried a few times, particularly when I first went online but it’s just not me. The Husband frequents a site where he (and partly me) are hoping to meet another girl we can share. He spends a lot of time chatting there, I’ve tried a few times but I just have nothing to say and when they start talking dirty or asking to see bits of me naked I completely clam up. I just don’t know how to let go and run with it. I feel like a complete fucking fool.

3. Are you a member of the mile high club?
As an adult, travelling with The Husband, I’ve been on a plane twice and there really wasn’t the time nor the opportunity for us to join that particular club, though it would be nice one day. I think it would be extra nice for it to be with an incredibly hot stranger, male and/or female, it wouldn’t matter.

4. Are you prejudice against any particular group of people?
Yep. Assholes, wanka’s, people who talk shit…I could continue but we all don’t have enough time for that.

5. What constitutes bad sex?
There are nights when I just don’t want to, for whatever reason – my moods have kicked in, migraine – and The Husband wants to and I know that I’ve been particularly horrible in regards to us not having had any sex, of any kind, for days, maybe even weeks, and I give in, despite my own personal feelings and then afterwards I just feel like crying sometimes. That’s my definition of bad sex.

Bonus (as in optional): Can females ejaculate?
Absolutely. I stumbled across a post on another blog (I’d post the link but I can’t remember which one it was) where there was a video of a guy teaching how to do it.

Can you do this?
I think I did, once. The Husband, Cherry and I were together. Cherry was sitting on The Husband’s face and I was sitting on him while playing with her tit’s from behind and I don’t know what the hell happened, but when we all moved around the bed was absolutely drenched underneath me. I’ve never seen anything like it before or since. I was so embarrassed. I always thought it would be a good feeling if something like that were to happen but it wasn’t. I don’t want it to happen again.

This has taken me a while to write, being constantly interrupted, so I’m not exactly sure what I’ve written for the first couple of answers. I have no intention of going back and re-reading them. I never do. It spoils the spontaneity I think. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone else’s TMI, so, please, play along, you won’t regret it.

It’s Silly I Know

2010-01-19T18:18:00.001+10:30

I was just quickly looking at Twitter, because I have some free personal time and the other day I had written that I was reading through my favourite comics tweets and that I’d forgotten how funny he was (or something like that anyway) and guess what? He sent me a DM that said “Cheers mate.” Can you believe it! The worst part is that because this is my “secret” persona I can’t even tell anyone that I got a DM from Wil Anderson!

Friday Fill-Ins #159

2010-01-16T01:29:00.002+10:30

Check it out, I'm on time! High five's and knuckles all round thank you very much. :D

1. The lesson I learned yesterday was hopefully to stop letting Miss Independent guilt me into things by chucking a wobbly at me if I don't automatically go along with her idea, opinion or suggestion. That I do have the ability to tell The Husband when he is being unreasonable, unfair or contradictory without using anger, sarcasm or too many swear words.

2. On our lush green lawn, with only a couple of chairs to sit on and the driveway full of kids playing basketball or cricket are where friends and family meet. Oh and by the way, Australia are currently kicking ass in the test match being played in Tasmania at the moment.

3. All these years and the dreams I had for my life haven't changed all that much. All these years and The Husband and I are still together and despite all the bullshit he brings and causes I still do love him in some strange and comfortable way.

4. The day I was born and the day I was married are the only days that I can recall anyone really caring about when I arrived. Unless it is someone expecting me to do something for them and then all they can do is complain about how long it will be before I get there and do what they want, then it just seems like they can't wait to be rid of me.

5. The truth is I have thought about leaving The Husband a million and one times but I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen if I ever do. The truth is that I don't really want to leave Him I just want the things that He does that bother me (and I'm not talking about leaving His shoes on the lounge room floor or His t-shirts on the back of the kitchen chairs) to my core to stop. The truth is I know they probably won't. The truth is I know that I'm not the best wife a man could ask for, in fact I'm probably a nightmare to live with and the fact that He continues to put up with me absolutely astounds me. Is that too much truth?

6. Being absolutely terrified and completely convinced, that being awake for his birth would kill one of us, then hearing there was too much blood and The Husband needed to leave immediately so they could put me to sleep is what I remember most from that day.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I was looking forward to going to bed early, maybe with my laptop and playing The Sims while I watched television, tomorrow my plans include the possibility of actually doing some sort of housework and having a shower so I can wash my hair and Sunday, I want to go and pick up my Little Princess from the airport! We've all missed her so much but at the same time it's been wonderful having a break from her. I hate the fact that as a mother I've actually enjoyed this time apart from her. It gives me a horrible guilty feeling, like I mustn't be a very good mother to have appreciated the last 10 days.

It's almost 2:15am Saturday morning here (yes, I know that means technically I'm not on time but given that the vast majority of FFI players seem to be from the US, then based on US time I am on time, so I'm going to run with that), so I think now would be a really good time for me to go to bed.

Head on over to FFI so you can play along too.

TMI Tueday #221

2010-01-14T01:04:00.002+10:30

Oh my, Em is late with her TMI again, what a shock! Yeah, I know, I'm never on time, always disappearing and suddenly popping back up again with a million word post...well, that's me for you. I did attempt to post on Tuesday, believe it not, ran out of personal time so couldn't, had a little bit on Wednesday and then my net connection died and I only got it back up this afternoon. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!

Happy TMI everyone.

...Would you rather...

1. Have eyes that always smile or a voice that makes people calm?
Mmm, that's a hard one. I think I'll go with the eyes. I believe you can always tell what a person's true emotions are if you look into their eyes. A voice you can modify to suit your intentions, not your eye's though.

2. Have an affair and your partner catches you or your partner have an affair and you catch him/her?
I'd rather catch The Husband. If it were me he caught, I have no doubt in saying it would probably kill him. The man can be a complete asshole, there is not denying that, but he does love me in his little personal version of it. I would have all the emotions that surround catching your significant other in a compromising position but I have this horrible ability to be able to rationalise everything. To see it from another's perspective. Considering our horrendous lack of a love life recently (the majority of which is my own doing) I wouldn't blame him if he went elsewhere. It would make it excusable nor acceptable but I would understand it.

3. Have better sex or more money?
Again, another hard one. I've never had a desire to be filthy rich. To be comfortable, yes. The ability to pay my bills on time, buy the things we need when we need them and maybe a couple of times a week get some things that we want, as opposed to need. That would make me happy in the money department. The sex we do have is, despite my lack of desire for it, pretty damn good. There's not much that he won't do or try and he doesn't make any catastrophic mistakes. Though, having said that, there are things that need improving but mostly out of the bedroom, which will make the bedroom an even better place to be. So, to answer the question (surprise, surprise), I think I'll go with the better sex, though I'd like it noted that I would like a better all round experience, not just the stuff between the sheets.

4. Be able to read everyone’s mind all the time or always know the future?
Reading minds, definitely! The future isn't solid, it's always changing. Everyone's heard "For every action, there is a reaction." That is the way the future works, as I believe it anyway. I'm usually pretty good at working out what people are truly thinking anyway, so neither of these is something I'd crave, but being the good girl that I am, I have given my answer. :)

5. Your partner have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else?
This all depends on what day of the week, no, what time of the day you ask me that question. Seriously, I couldn't give a definitive answer. I did say I was a good girl and would answer the questions though didn't I? So, based on the last day or two, I think I'll go with preferring The Husband to have sex with someone rather than fall in love. Ask me again in a week and you'll probably get a completely different answer. Maybe even one with him falling in love with a total fucking psychopath who pulls a Fatal Attraction to nth degree on him. I could absolutely answer with that particular statement on a bad day I'm sure. And I'd mean it too.

Bonus (as in optional): What one thing, big or small, would you change in your life if granted one wish by a lamp-bound genie? Why?
This is simply off the top of my head. Keeping in line with the focus of these questions seeming to be mostly on The Husband, I'm going to continue with that theme. I would really like the courage to stick to my opinions and beliefs when it comes to Him. With everyone else who ever enters my life I'm able to be totally blunt and not care all that much about the results, with him though, it's completely different. I just can't seem to see most things through. I think, I say, I do and then I go back on the lot of it. Mostly at the expense of me and everyone close to me. I hate myself for doing it yet I continue to do it anyway. I know deep down that one day that lamp-bound genie is going to make it all happen for me, I just wish it was now or even forever ago.

Well, I've stuck the with the whole TMI to the extreme again this week haven't I? Then again, I usually do. Isn't that the point though?

Just Quickly

2010-01-10T01:22:00.003+10:30

Before I do head off to bed (The Husband is home from fishing, so my personal browsing time has come to an end) I just wanted to let you know that I'm slowly making my way through my email, which I haven't looked at since I stopped blogging for those few months. I'm going through them in a some what orderly way and I'll be leaving the personal emails till last, so I can spend some time on them. It will probably mean that it'll take me a few days to get some personal time to be able to do that, but I will reply, no doubts about that!

Some of the comments I've read to a few of my previous posts have really made me smile and actually laugh, so it's been a real joy and in a way I'm glad I've had to wait to read them.

I'm going to be looking around for some more meme stuff to do, so if anyone has any suggestions for those days that I don't usually do something (like every day other than Tuesday and Friday and the occasional Wednesday if I can get my shit together) then please, do share.

I think that's about quick enough for a non-meme post from me, considering I often do great big long posts. LOL

Night.

PS. If the theeternallist is reading, I tried responding and finding you on Twitter, but to no avail. So if your on there at all, yep, that was me you found, feel free to add me. :)

Friday Fill-Ins #158

2010-01-08T14:28:00.002+10:30

Given that I haven't posted in quite some time, there is a ton of stuff that I have to say, I just can't seem to work out where to begin or what's worth posting and what is just rubbish. Then there is the whole problem of length. I just don't have the energy to bother with it all today. To be brutally honest, (which I always try to be here, that's kind of the point of having this blog) I'm on the 3rd day or so of my period and all the bullshit that I get with it (physically and emotionally), it makes me feel like complete and utter crap. All yesterday and today I've been flitting between explosive anger and bursting out crying. Emotionally, this is probably the worst I've felt in a while now, so I'm going to blame it all on my period and hope that is what it is and that I'm not heading for another huge crash.

On to the FFI. Don't forget to go and play along.

1. There are places that my mind travels that would absolutely terrify even those who think they know me the best.

2. The Husband would rather I blow him than those clouds away. Was that too crude do you think? It's true though. To be serious, no matter how badly things are going in our life in general, he still can put any sexual activity above all else. Me, the worse life is, the less I want to do anything even remotely related to sex. Cause's a whole lot of problems between us, let me tell you!
3. Standing in the dark, under a full moon brings me peace.
4. Just before Christmas I told a great big oh boy. (Oh boy = fat ass lie)
5. He went out tiger hunting and got his face ripped off because the tigers decided that if some idiot wants to go out hunting them when they didn't do anything wrong then screw him, he deserves everything he gets.
6. Most people would say "How do I stop my mind from wandering." I'm wondering how on earth I get it to start.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to getting some alone time, though that's not going to happen, tomorrow my plans include having a shower, going to the bank so I can give Miss Independent (DD#1) some money and Sunday, I want to not have The Beanpole (DS#1) go to cricket because it's going to be 41C and that's way too hot!

If some major crack in the time-space continuum should occur over the weekend, then I shall try and get a post together which updates the missing months, just on the off chance that there are still some people reading. :)

Back

2009-12-28T16:15:00.002+10:30

As far as I can tell I'll be having my computer back for the foreseeable future and maybe even possibly be getting a new one within the next week, I can't wait! Though it does feel a little greedy of me...anyway, I don't have the time nor the privacy required to write a decent entry at the moment, so I'm just going to leave it at that. If anyone is still out there and paying attention, it appears that I'm going to back for a little while to come...

I hope you are all doing well and had a great Christmas and are looking forward to a good New Year.

Em.xx

TMI Tuesday #208

2009-10-14T16:00:00.001+10:30

1. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your life?
Read my blog, it’s pretty obvious that I wouldn’t go much higher than a 3. Maybe a 4 on a good day.

1a. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how satisfied are you with your sex life?
That I would put at a 7 I suppose. There’s probably a few things I’d improve but they are more to do with the lead up, you know that verbal stuff that often takes place before making it to the bedroom and the foreplay begins.

2. What is the easiest way for you to reach orgasm?
Clitoral, without a shadow of a doubt. Though I do quite like just having one through the sexual act alone. For me they are both very different and sometimes I just prefer the second one.

3. What are 3 inevitable things about you?
What a strange question. Inevitable...hmm. That I will always get pissed off over something that everyone else thinks is ridiculous. That despite actually enjoying sex most of the time I’ll avoid it because the rest of my life sucks ass. That I will always think more about doing than actually doing.

4. What is your favourite sexual position? (yes you have to narrow it to one).
That’s easy. From behind, or more commonly known as doggy style, though I’m definitely not a big fan of the name.

4a. What is you least favourite sexual position?
That’s a little harder...probably missionary I suppose. Or maybe that one where the guy is on his back and then woman on top facing away. I find that a little painful.

5. Favourite body part/parts of the opposite (or same) sex?
I like a strong jaw on a man. A nice looking chest is good too. I really like soft, silky hair and soft skin on a woman.

6. Would you rather have you significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]
To be brutally honest, at this exact moment, I’d be happy for him to fall in love with someone else. Can you tell I’m not completely happy in my married life right now? In general I would probably say I’d rather he have sex with someone else than fall in love. Sex and love are two different things, though I’m completely shit at the telling what those differences are.

7. When you have a "toe-curling" orgasm, do your does curl up, or down?
I think down, no maybe it’s up...I don’t know.

8. Name three words that:
a) get you excited
b) make you squirm
c) make you laugh
Oh this is pathetic, I can’t think of any that do any of those, particularly the first two. Funny words for vagina’s and penis’s often make me laugh. I honestly can’t think of any at the moment. I’m sure once I go visiting and see what everyone else has written I’ll go, “Oh, I should have thought of that!” But I won’t come back and change anything because that would be cheating.

Others have given TMI too. Go and see.

Friday Fill-In’s #144

2009-10-02T16:51:00.002+09:30

Just a wee bit of housekeeping. This FFI makes brings up 100th post! I would never have thought I'd get this far, let alone with people who stop by regularly too! I began a blog many, many moon's ago and then abandoned it for a variety of reasons, but something about this one, not sure what it is, keeps me coming back and spilling my guts for all the world to see. I enjoy my little home here and hopefully I can make it to 200 posts. Thanks to you who come by regularly to see me, you know who are and you really do make doing this incredibly worthwhile.

Now, onto the fill-in's...

1. I have a history of being a moody pain in the ass. I can go to bed feeling perfectly fine one day and wake up the next morning thinking all sorts of horrible thoughts and feeling absolutely worthless. At this point, it seems to define me.

2. Complete, total and permanent happiness is something I wish I knew. When I do have it, for those fleeting moments, I just know it’s going to disappear again, almost as soon as it arrived and it doesn’t matter what I try and do, that’s how it’s always going to be.

3. I’m eating (or recently ate) about half a Domino’s large Meatasaurus pizza. Except it didn’t have a thin crust and there was BBQ sauce instead of tomato so it wasn’t as good as it could have been and I didn’t get to have any brownies either.

4. Don’t fall over on the main road. I’ve thought about the answer for this one and that is the best that I can come up with at the moment, pathetic isn’t it?

5. So that’s it, that’s how it is, is it?

6. I often wonder if where I am now in life is better than nothing.

7 And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to watching TV or mucking around on the computer (though I don’t think I’d personally say that I’m looking forward to especially), tomorrow my plans include doing the housework in the morning, followed by more television and/or mucking around on the computer and Sunday, I want to do the same thing I did Friday night and Saturday just without the housework part!

And that, my friends, is FFI’s. Feel free to play along.

Wordless Wednesday #2

2009-09-30T19:59:00.004+09:30

Player Piano by Nina Frazier on Flickr

You should really go check out the full-size version.

TMI #206

2009-09-30T11:54:00.002+09:30

I am actually sitting here using my very own computer! I have it back, for the time being. I'm going to enjoy it while I can and hope that I don't ever have to not have it again. I've got music playing and I'm actually smiling! Can you believe it!

1. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner's body and then eaten it?

Yep. I bought body chocolate one year for Christmas, or it might have been his birthday, can't remember which. It wasn't very nice chocolate though. Should have just used Nutella. I seem to remember trying whipped cream once before too.

2. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?

No, but I have had one before, when I was pregnant. It turned out they just did them without actually asking first. Well it was either that or because I was only 15 they figured that I was the 'type' who might get it.

3. Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?

Yes. Yes I have. Nobody in particular really. I usually fantasize about having another girl there or just being with another girl in general. Always does it for me.

4. Have you ever engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while in a moving car? A car being driven by someone not engaged in the sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?

Yeah, when I was a lot younger. It was nothing worth rehashing though. Just the usual pashing and groping, that sort of thing. :)

5. Have you ever had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved runs dry?

Are you kidding me! Absolutely! Heaps of times. That's what lubricant is for isn't it?

Bonus (as in optional): Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom?

1. My side of the room neat and The Husbands a mess.

2. My Mood Journal.

3. Very little in the way of girly things, like makeup and hair products.

4. The desktop computer.

5. A couple of vibrators and a penis pump. (What, you didn't think I'd leave out the good stuff did you?) The penis pump is there not because The Husband has a little pecker but because he'd always wanted to try one and when the opportunity arrived for him to buy one he thought why not. Personally, I think it's a little dumb, but that's just me.

Happy Belated TMI one and all. :)

Total Rubbish

2009-09-26T10:10:00.002+09:30

I had most of a post written and then I deleted it. I'm so flat at the moment and I can't seem to drag myself out of it.

There's so much that is just plain wrong at the moment. Has been for a while and I'm too gutless to do anything about it.

I'm unhappy in my marriage but the thought of talking about it scares the absolute hell out of me. I wouldn't know where to begin. I do know that he would just get angry and be incredibly cruel about it all. He always is when I try and talk about our relationship and the problems that so deep that I'm not sure whether they will ever be able to be fixed.

Just to give a small example. A social life. I don't have one. We don't really have one. He knows plenty of people, I don't. Why? Because he doesn't trust me. He doesn't trust anyone that I get friendly with. If I should get friendly with someone he has to be a part of it 100%. I have one friend and the last time she asked me out to lunch, for some function that she was invited to, we had a two hour screaming match because he demanded that I take one of the kids with me. That I couldn't go alone, with just my friend. A time after that, our oldest wanted me to go to a concert with her, to see a band I really like, she had free tickets to go. Again, a screaming match ensued. This one went on for about 3 days all up. Oh and no, I didn't go. Anytime I want to do something, that doesn't involve him, all hell breaks loose. That's why I'm doing the uni course I want to do online, so I don't have to go to classes or anything like that. He won't be able to start an argument and stop me going.

If I were to ignore him and just do what I wanted, I'd pay for it for weeks on end. I'd get the silent treatment, he'd be nasty and mean to me. He'd just be an asshole all round until I sucked up enough that he'd get over it. It's ridiculous.

I've tried having friends over the years but it's always ended badly. Usually because he acts like a wanka and they just don't want to come and see me anymore. Some of the people I've been friends with have even told me this, so it can't be just my imagination.

The older I'm getting, the more I'm realising that I'm missing out on so much because I don't want to rock the boat. I'm so fucking tired of not rocking the boat. I want to capsize the boat and have everyone drown at this point!

That's just one little aspect of the things that are wrong with us. I know I need to fix it all. We need to fix it. I'm just not sure it can be because I'm the only one who is willing to aknowledge there is anything even wrong except the fact that I don't talk enough or put out enough.

Oh, I don't know. It's just all to fucking hard and I just can't be bothered.

Nightmare

2009-09-19T23:51:00.002+09:30

Before I begin this super quick post, I just want to let everyone know that I have very limited access to a PC right now unfortunately. Basically, shit happens and it seems to be raining down upon me lately. Should I ever get the chance at more than a few stolen moments here and there, I will try and expand upon the whole thing.

Anyway. I don't have my computer at the moment. Long story, for another time.

My neighbour has completely lost her mind. Totally and utterly. In the last three days she's been over here about 30 times or more (no, I'm not even close to exaggerating, I'm probably being generous actually) for a myriad of reasons, the latest being that her boyfriend is going to stab himself. The Anti-Christ is out to get her, God doesn't love her, all the objects in her house are evil, the list goes on. I feel so bad for this woman and we are trying to do everything we can for her. I rang a number my doctor gave me for those times I feel like checking out and they took her for the day and then sent her home again. It took about four hours before she was back over again crying and screaming that everyone hates her, nobody is listening and her boyfriend is doing a laundry list of things that are ruining her life. The Husband has taken her back to the hospital again. I have no doubt that he'll be home without her because there is no way that he will leave unless he knows they are going to admit her for an extended stay. If nothing else, it's making me feel less like a nutcase than I've felt in quite a while!

That's all I've got time for unfortunately. I just wanted to quickly drop in and let everyone, Slimblue and Gray especially (hugs guys) know that I'm still alive and kicking, though it's been pretty sucky the last week or so. The crying fits have kicked back in again. Grrr...Oh, and forgive any bad grammatical errors, I'm typing as quick as I can, without much proofing going on...I really had spelling/grammar errors...Bye. :)

Wordless Wednesday #1

2009-09-10T02:28:00.003+09:30

Image by SRivera.
Play along at Wordless Wednesday.
This bloody picture is just not showing up the way that I want it to. If you want to see it properly then click on it. Can't believe I buggered up my first Wordless Wednesday not only by wrecking the picture I put up but then I had to go and write on the post too so I explain my complete balls up of the what was supposed to look really good! Way to go Em.

TMI #203 - The Current One

2009-09-08T23:46:00.001+09:30

Yay, for me, I’m finally up to date!

1) If you were to only live until the age of 50, how would you live your life differently?
I’d at least try and do the things that I’ve always wanted to do. I’d stop thinking I had plenty of time and that one day The Husband would grow out of his bullshit paranoia and support my dreams and aspirations. That’s for starters anyway.

2) Are you settling in your job/career?
Considering I have neither and I’m just a stay at home mum (SAHM for short), then I’d have to say yes. I’d always wanted to be a mum, so I’m proud of being one to two quite amazing little people and two amazing teenagers. That doesn’t mean that there weren’t things I wanted to do personally, for me. I’ve not done one of them. At all. That is all changing though and with any luck I’ll be starting university next March. Even though I don’t want to wait that long, I want to start right now!

3) Are you settling with your significant other?
As much I don’t like admitting it, I probably am. I love him, that’s not an issue. There’s lot of great things between us but there are a lot that aren’t there either. We are both to blame, I’m not stupid enough to think it’s all his fault. Looking at it from my perspective though and thinking about what I need in an emotional sense, it’s just not happening and regardless of how much I’m wishing it to suddenly materialize, it’s not going to. I’m just going to have to accept that and learn to get those things elsewhere I suppose. Oh, and just to clarify, I’m talking about sex here at all. I’m referring to the emotional, intellectual and I guess spiritual aspects of who I think I am and who I could possibly be.

4) How important is your family?
My children are everything to me. They are who I get up each day for. I’m not nearly the mother I would like to be, who I envisioned myself being, but then I tend to see perfection and anything less is failure, so I’m probably not the best judge really. Without my children, I would be nothing.

5) If you caught a neighbour peeping in at you while you were naked or having sex, would you close the blinds? (assuming you live in a city and can see into other buildings).
If it was any of the neighbours that I actually have, then hell yes I would shut the curtains. Fuck, I’d probably be out that front door with a knife ready to cut their perving filthy balls off! The neighbours I have are just plain freaks, I’m serious! I have a compulsive liar on one side of me who can’t seem to stop making up bullshit about us all. Extreme stuff too, like we’ve robbed banks and at one point we were even drug barons! On the other side I have an alcoholic guy who completely gives me the creeps. He even scares my little girl. He’s horrible and smelly. If the person peeping in was just a random stranger then, nope, I’d probably just leave everything the way it was. It’s not really hurting anyone, so what does it matter?

The girl on page 194 is quite possibly one of the hottest women I’ve laid eye’s in quite some time. You have no idea, as a person who is incredibly self-conscious about how I look, bordering on anorexic, to see a women who looks so freaking normal is thoroughly brilliant!

Do you TMI?

TMI #202

2009-09-08T23:27:00.001+09:30

1. If you could have monumental sex where would it be (i.e. on Lincoln's lap, the stairwell of the Statute of Liberty)?
That’s a hard one...no, the pun wasn’t intended. How’s this: In an incredibly swanky restaurant, dressed in our finest and either on the immaculately laid table or in the expensive antique chairs that we’ve been seated on.

2. Have you ever "played" with your food (i.e. a blowjob under booth #9 at Denny's, finger banging by candlelight at Spago)?
Um, no, I don’t think so. Not that I can recall anyway. Though it would be an awful lot of fun.

3. Have you ever had sex in motion (i.e. the lavatory on Virgin Air, the back seat of your Chevy Suburban)?
Have had sex in the car, though not while it was moving. We try and christen every car we own. I’ve given The Husband both a blow job and a hand job while he was driving.

4. Have you ever had sex worthy of a confessional (i.e. a stall in the church bathroom, on the desk in your boss's office)?
No, haven’t done that. Does doing it behind a closed waterfront coffee shop count?

5. Have you ever had sex under the stars (i.e. in the alley behind Scores Gentleman's Club, the roof of your South Beach condo)?
Oh absolutely! I’ve done in the City a couple of times at night, at least a couple of them were in an alley too! As mentioned above, The Husband and I did it one night, while staying at his mothers when she lived in a small coastal town, at the back of a coffee shop, that was closed at the time. It sits right on the water and there is a little island just on the other side, so it was all lit up, along with the boats moored on the water too, it was quite pretty really. The sex was knee wobbling too! It took me a good 10 minutes of relaxing time before I could walk properly again!

Bonus: What's your favourite place (of all places) to have sex (i.e. The Bunny Ranch, Las Vegas)?
Outside. I think I’ve answered a question similar to this before. I can’t be bothered searching the archives to find it. Anyway, definitely outside, anywhere outside, as long as I don’t get completely filthy doing it.

Do you have TMI?

TMI #201

2009-09-08T23:02:00.001+09:30

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?
Of course! Doesn’t everybody? If your facing my bedroom door, then my side is on the left. At the moment mine is the squishiest. It sucks. We have a tiny room, in a tiny house and of course I went and bought big furniture for two main reasons: 1. Because I liked it and 2. Because I could do. When you are poor and you suddenly have money to burn, you don’t always think as clearly as what you should. Still, I love my furniture. It’s the first new bedroom furniture we’ve ever owned.

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?
Oh, I say it’s about 6 - 8 months old I suppose. It’s in very good condition. I always make a point of washing the pillows at least once a month, in an effort to keep them clean and hopefully have them last longer than they might otherwise.

3. What is your favourite position to sleep in?
On my side without a doubt. I always sleep towards the edge of the bed and I tend to scoot down quite a bit so if someone were to pull the blankets right up I’d disappear under them. If The Husband isn’t there then I might face the centre. I generally can’t face towards him because he’s much bigger than I am and I have asthma and I find it incredibly difficult to breathe.

4. How often do you change your sheets?
Every week. My favourite sheet that we have is a white one and I can’t stand even the smallest mark when I sleep or when the shit starts to wrinkle up, hate it. So it’s got to come off so I can wash it and it’s all nice and fitted again.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?
Fuck all to be brutally honest. I either sleep or I don’t. There really isn't a middle ground with me. If I know it’s going to be a bad night then I’ll generally just sit in the kitchen and mess around on the computer. If we’ve got no Interweb credit then I’ll either lie on the lounge or in bed and watch television (I can see the TV in the lounge from my side of the bed). If I’m lucky, I will some kick ass sleeping tablets and I’ll take those until I pretty pass out and then hope that I’ll wake up in the morning.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?
Energized without a shadow of a doubt. The Husband, he’s ready to completely crash out about 2 minutes after, me, I could be awake for the next four hours. Having said that though, if it’s been a particularly aerobic session then I’ll probably fall asleep within about half an hour or so. There’s only been a few time’s that I’ve pretty much fallen asleep the same time The Husband has. I have read this is very common though. Men always tend to fall asleep very quickly whereas women stay awake longer. I recall reading somewhere that if there is some cuddling afterwards it releases some sort of hormone in women which enables them to fall asleep generally with their man. I won’t claim this as fact but I know I did read it somewhere.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day?
I don’t know actually. Maybe 4 hours or so. I know that if I’m really tired and I have a nanna nap for a few hours I can run off that nap for ages. Though when I’m going through an insomnia phase, once I fall asleep I can stay asleep for up to 12 hours at a time. It’s ridiculous really. I can go for quite some time without any sleep though, at least a couple of days. By about half through the third day I start to fall asleep every time I sit down. I can be a right bitch though when I’ve got insomnia. Actually, let me rephrase that, I am a right bitch.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe your most vivid dream.
I can’t. I don’t dream very often and when I do I always seem to forget them quite quickly. A couple of months ago I dreamt for about three nights in a row. I wrote them down in my journal. I know there was grass and my mother in one of them. I think another had The Husband in it. The first one, now that I think about it was about me using a vibrator called The Bullet that The Husband brought for me. I think I was actually on the verge of coming when I woke up.

TMI #200

2009-09-08T22:16:00.001+09:30

1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that your significant other does (did) not know about.]
I guess you could say about 16 years I suppose. The Husband and I have been together for 17 years (I think that’s right) and I did sleep with someone else not long after we first got together. When we separated for a while, about 3 or 4 months I slept with someone else then too. Since then I haven’t though, so I guess if you add it all up, it would be about 16 years. That’s not too bad for someone in their 30’s I think.

2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
Nope. Nothing. I don’t have any real close friends, except my 60ish year old neighbour and frankly, the woman really pisses me off sometimes. I have my mother but that’s not the sort of emotional comfort I think is being referred to here. If anything I think I would probably go on a bit of a rampage, sleeping with too many people too often and then I would more than ditch men altogether for a while and concentrate on women. I know I’m bi, that’s a given now. I denied it for a very long time. Though I do sometime’s wonder if I’m actually gay. Wow, can’t believe I actually voiced that thought. I’ve not done that before.

3. Can you be "just friends" with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
I don’t see why not, though I’m sure it’s easier on the person without the unrequited love to consume every moment they are together. I’ve been friends with plenty of people that I’ve been crushing on before. It’s usually no big deal. When I was single (many moons ago) I usually ended up sleeping with them at some point.

4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity? [For the purpose of this question monogamous is defined as no sexual partners that a significant other does (did) not know about.]
Yes, yes (I’m about 99.9% certain, despite his protestations to the contrary) and I think No. I’m not going to elaborate here, otherwise I’d never finish and you’d all get very bored, very quickly.

5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
Money followed by sex. We are what is commonly known as ‘poor’. We are always broke and it drives me completely and totally fucking insane. The fact that I tend to react to things completely different than most do (thanks Bipolar) doesn’t help the situation at all. As for the sex. I don’t do it enough. It’s as simple as that. To cut a long story short The Husband has done a few things in the past that have revolved around sex that have hurt me, what turns out to be a lot more deeply than I would have ever thought. I’m sure there is other stuff going on in my lunatic mind, but while I enjoy sex, love it, all aspects of it, even went so far as having a threesome, I just can’t seem to make myself want it in the way that The Husband wants me to. If that makes any sense whatsoever!

Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
Compatibility. The ability to sit together, without a television and have a meaningful discussion on anything at all. We don’t have that unfortunately, though I think we could if some things were to change, which I know they won’t because he won’t change them.

Do you have TMI?

Things

2009-09-08T17:36:00.001+09:30

What can I say? I’m still here, still around. Physically.

Mentally, I feel as if I’ve checked out.

Home feels as if it’s balancing on a knife edge and I’m the one holding the knife.

I just can’t seem to find the right words to describe what’s going on in my jumble of a mind at the moment. I haven’t been writing in my journal either. The words just won’t come, no matter how hard I look for them.

I’ve started a post of one type or another on countless occasions over the last few weeks and I just draw a total blank. There’s nothing.

I wish I knew where it all went and if it’s okay where it’s currently residing.

On a different note. I really wanted to make sure I did the 200th TMI, but I didn’t. So, to make up for that, I’m going to do a bunch of TMI’s from the 200th one up to the most current. Be prepared to be bombarded with posts. I’m hoping to get that done tonight sometime. After doing dinner and the dishes and the kids have done their homework...and the list goes on...

Slimblue & Gray: Thankyou so much for your concern. You have no idea the feeling I got when I read your comments. If it wasn’t for those, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now posting this. You guys are true friends.

TMI Tuesday #199

2009-08-12T18:31:00.001+09:30

I wonder if there will be a big to do for the 200th TMI?

1. How do you differentiate between love and lust?
Honestly, I don’t know. I suppose you want to spend a hell of a lot more time with out of the bedroom with someone you love than with someone your in lust with. I guess at different times lust can be so much better than love.

2. You are happily married, engaged, or committed in a relationship, yet you have a hot sexy dream about someone you have always wanted to do it with. Have you cheated at least in your mind?
Absolutely not. Dreaming, thinking, wishing, wanting doesn’t constitute cheating. Actively pursuing would. At least that’s how I think of it.

3. Do you trust your significant other?
As terrible as it sounds, it depends. It depends on too many things to list here now. I do know that not feeling complete trust for your partner is not exactly ideal. There are a lot of things that aren’t ‘ideal’ in my whole life and frankly this one isn’t right up there on my priority list at the moment.

4. How important is your Husband or Wife wearing their Wedding bands? Is it important to you and why?
Yes, even after what I wrote above, it is important. It’s not the be all and end all. I like know he has it on. I never take mine off. Even when I had two of the four children after we were married. I got them to tape it up when I went into theatre. I feel strange not wearing it. So does he. Actually, his doesn’t fit properly anymore and he refuses to get resized even though it looks like it may start to graft itself to the bone shortly.

5. Do you feel that flirting is OK if you are taken?
Sure, why not? There’s nothing wrong with it. I wouldn’t appreciate it if he were doing it in front of me, unless if was something we had agreed on previously. I would never do it to him. In fact I would never tell him that I had flirted with anyone or even if anyone had flirted with me, not that I’m sure I would recognise if it were happening. He’s actually a really jealous man and he’s get’s incredibly pissed if he thinks anyone is looking at me. It’s ridiculous, I know. Particularly because I wouldn’t dream of doing the same to him. Plus, he is a really big flirt.

Bonus (as in optional):If you were 100% guaranteed not to get caught having a one night stand with someone else, would you?
That’s why I don’t go out anymore without my husband. I don’t know about know, but I used to have a bad habit of going out for the night and having one night stands. I guess that makes me lots of bad names. I probably wouldn’t do that now. No, I know I wouldn’t. I’m just frightened I would. So I wouldn’t go about it intentionally. Still, I’m not a very nice person am I?

Others have gone before me.

Friday Fill-In’s #136

2009-08-08T21:38:00.001+09:30

1. Sitting outside in the sun somewhere, usually my front yard, with a cool drink and a good book is my favourite summertime activity.

2. My favourite John Hughes movie is probably Ferris Buller’s Day Off. I can distinctly remember completely pissing myself laughing at the Porsche going through the window and the look on Matthew Broderick’s face. Wasn’t he just a little cutie? Like a duck. And Mira Sara, wow, what a hottie. Even then, at the young age I was, I think I spent more time looking at her in that movie than I did anyone else. Then again, there is the Breakfast Club. I still love that movie. Molly Ringwald was my idol for ages. Emilio Estevez, yummy!

3. A girl’s long, soft flowing hair is something I love to touch. I’ve got the long, it’s just the curly I need to get rid of.

4. The full moon always makes me feel good to look at but I think it messes with me emotionally. Could explain a whole lot the past few days.

5. I’m drinking a sweet white wine right now. Because I got fairly pissed last night and it was the first time I’ve felt good in forever, so The Husband figured why not keep the run going and buy a bottle for home. Only problem for me, is we were all out last night, so it didn’t seem quite so pathetic like it does not, drinking at home, essentially alone.

6. When daylight fades I realise how truly boring my life is. I look back at a day of doing nothing (except housework and kid stuff) and think of all the things I could have done had I made a million different decisions and taken a thousand different paths instead of the easy one’s that I did take. That didn’t rock the boat. That haven’t upset anyone. Except me. And probably the kids.

7. And as for the weekend, well, seriously. Screw this question. I’m tired of answering every week knowing that nothing I’d like to have happen is going to, for various reasons, the least two of which are we have no money and The Husband can be as boring as a wet rag. How about, the next time something actually is going to happen, I’ll answer it then.